visit again.
That was all past and forgotten when I started the operation. But early on I was reading about certain Christian mystics and a description of “God's athletes” whose bodies were reduced to skeletons by their spiritual discipline and devotion to the spiritual path, and I felt a similar surge of horror. Of course, I would never allow that to happen…but the idea must have remained in my unconscious mind until later when I began to notice myself growing thinner with all the fasting and a vegetarian diet. Around that time, I joined a local gym and an instructor showed me weight-training exercises that would soon restore my losses, but a few weeks later I discovered that I was losing weight even faster and I felt an irrational panic that was very hard to shake off.
As demons go, this one was relatively harmless, and yet it was extremely persistent. Whereas the worst of my demons were manifested and tamed during the seven years following the operation, this one persisted into my early seventies and still surprises me at times. It has taken me many years to grasp the fact that I am actually much taller than my in-laws: when I visualise them I still see myself looking straight into their eyes, as if they were just as tall as I am. And I have at last grasped the fact that the reason that I need to push the car seat right back before driving is because I am actually a large person, and not simply because I have a funny driving position.
“Mother's boy” lament
On 30 August 1977, I filled pages of diary with an absolutely classic and embarrassing lament about the way that girls favour “bad boys” over “goody goodies”. On an immediate level, it was probably a backlash from a spiritual path that was requiring celibacy in an era when such abstinence was seen more as a failure than a victory, but it also had deeper personal roots.
In the postscript pages I discuss the way that Sun in Aries, versus Capricorn rising, created a demonic split between my wild and potentially dangerous martial nature and a more cautious and conscientious capricornian self, and how I tended to identify with the latter and project out the former onto other people. This was another of many demons that I began to meet and came to terms with in the years that followed my Abramelin operation.
PHASE ONE
The first two moons
I had built my oratory: a six-foot by three-foot pine shed concealed in the shrubbery. It had the specified windows to east and south and a door opening onto a level space for a sandy forecourt, as required. It was about thirty yards from the cottage where I had arranged my sleeping chamber. The cottage was shared by an old college friend.
The instructions begin thus:
Having carefully washed one's whole body and having put on fresh clothing: precisely a quarter of an hour before Sunrise ye shall enter into your Oratory, open the window, and place yourselves upon your knees before the Altar, turning your faces towards the window; and devoutly and with boldness ye shall invoke the Name of the Lord, thanking Him for all the grace which He hath given and granted unto you from your infancy until now; then with humility shall ye humble yourselves unto Him, and confess unto Him entirely all your sins; supplicating Him to be willing to pardon you and remit them. Ye shall also supplicate Him that in the time to come He may be willing and pleased to regard you with pity and grant you His grace and goodness to send unto you His Holy Angel, who shall serve unto you as a Guide, and lead you ever in His Holy Way and Will; so that ye fall not into sin through inadvertence, through ignorance, or through human frailty. In this manner shall ye commence your Oration, and continue thus every morning during the first two Moons or Months…
When ye shall have performed your orations, close the window, and go forth from the Oratory; so that no one may be able therein to enter; and ye shall not yourselves enter again until the evening when the Sun shall be set. Then shall ye enter therein afresh, and shall perform your prayers in the same manner as in the morning…
You shall set apart two hours each day after having dined, during the which you shall read with care the Holy Scripture and other Holy Books, because they will teach you to be good at praying, and how to fear the Lord; and thus day by day shall ye better know your Creator.
A fuller account of the final form of my oration is given on 13 August. I followed it with an extended meditation as described under “The meditations” in Chapter Four.
Easter Monday, 11 April 1977
Desperate rising, alarm went off 4.30, not 5.30. Felt a wreck. All seemed like a dream. Half hour or so, saw sun rising a few degrees. Breath rose in steam. Sweated after penitence. Used T's collect.1
Returned about 6.40 am to tea, washing up, tidying. Breakfast 8.30. Huge sweep out and cushion/carpet beating for dining room and kitchen to clear my sawdust, etc. 10 am I offered instant coffee to Mrs Smith—cocoa for me—and had welcome rest for half an hour plus. Then started on spare room [to be my “Chamber”]. Cleaning and leaving heaps of stuff elsewhere. Swept tons of dust and rubbish. Took out mattress into lovely sun (with cold North Wind). I had washed my pillow too. 12 pm I too reclined in sun and rested and read Hymn of Jesus before going to 1 pm lunch at Biker J's. Delicious vegetarian meal. Chatted. Clouds came. Back via SA to say I'd made altar myself.2 Home 3-ish. Dusting and washing room. Made bed, set incense to consecrate room. Tea 6-ish and writing this diary since Friday. Dilemma: should I change for evening ceremony? Decide to try not to, but will shake clothes to save me from laziness. Beans are cooking; I've started soya sprouts too. Must put on some alfalfa to grow.
Aware of noisy traffic in evening, roar of motorway. Scared of dark after.3 Lateish bed as I ate after evening session.
Tuesday 12 April
Much fresher. A warmer morning. Washed up and had toast for breakfast (no eggs or cheese in house). Read chapter on circulation of the light in Taoism and Creativity and dozed slightly. Actually the dreaded drop-off4—on my second day! Oh help! Just for a flash, but I did feel different for it. Shopping on the High Street 10–11.30, about. Took along lots of dry cleaning and bought tons of food. My case had come and gone at antique shop. Looked at books. Some loss of awareness but I remained alert right across Redbourn Common on way back (slipping, bulging shopping bags probably helped). Noon I had scrambled eggs and Swiss chard. Read Secret of the Golden Flower. Put lime on garden, moved cloche to the peas. Re-planted onions and helped Mrs Smith with her boiler and clock. Read magazine after tea and somehow day seems short of achievement though I have done some necessary clearing jobs and now have a table in my “chamber”. 9 pm, cloudy day, no sun.
MUST: make altar floor, lamp. Write up official diary.
Wednesday 13 April
Damp, dark morning. Dream of Dobro player visiting me and me having a go. Later, dream of telling N about dream of Dobro player. Dream of returning to Eton: I'd asked to go back and was told to apply in normal way for the job. Another dream of [my recent work boss] coming round for a drink—he seemed to come in a sort of pleading way. My dwelling was very grand and he was impressed and honoured. Another dream of C giving birth to a third child.
Morning operation: traffic loud, although morning. Better concentration, sat in meditation and withdrew through choice and not because of getting fidgety. Scratching on roof surprised me, but I was unshaken. 6.40 am.
Brek after washing up. 7.50. I read till N got up. 8.30 sat to write my Abramelin Diary. Wrote till 10.
Late lunch (1.45) as I spent morning making a lamp. Simple, but the result is surprisingly attractive. I hangs beside me in my
