href="#ud2daa190-da3a-5d99-ba86-8599ba01ed6d">OUTPATIENTS’ CLINIC
INTRODUCTION
Simon & Mark
Dr Mayo: So, we’re the Movie Doctors?
Dr Kermode: Well strictly speaking only one of us earned our title. Yours is an honorary doctorate. Mine was earned by actually writing a thesis on modern horror fiction.
Dr M: Well mine was earned by actually looking so fabulous in a gown, they decided to give me another one. So we are both, strictly speaking, doctors.
Dr K: Yes but neither of us is a medical doctor. However as ‘movie doctors’ we are well aware that some movies need medical attention . . .
Dr M: And also how other movies can make you feel happier, make you nicer and well . . . weller?
Dr K: I think you mean healthier.
Dr M: I think you’re right, I do. And have we constructed a rather fine conceit around this?
Dr K: Indeed. So. Imagine you’re a movie in need of medical attention – you might be far too long, or unnecessarily upbeat, or be in need of a live organ transplant . . .
Dr M: . . . or you might be an actual human patient in need of a cure for a broken heart, tinnitus or . . .
Dr K: Celluloid or humanoid, the Movie Doctors’ Clinic will help.
Dr M: Films will be referred to the relevant department, depending on whether they need a bit of cosmetic surgery or something more drastic.
Dr K: You can find Michael Bay’s films in the recovery room.
Dr M: And patients?
Dr K: Unlike in a real hospital, waiting times for patients’ clinics is minimal.
Dr M: From the moment you arrive at our doors, we’ll diagnose you and suggest cures for your problems. We’ve colour coded everything so you don’t get lost —
Dr K: Or find yourself accidentally incorporated into a Human Centipede.
Dr M: So sit back, dip your hand into your bucket of corn-based snack and enjoy this beautifully designed, elegantly written and strikingly affordable movie concept book. Nurse, the screens . . .
ACCIDENT & EMERGENCY
Have you ever found yourself in A & E late on a Friday night? If so, you’ll know that it can be quite a sweary, violent and unpleasant place. Rest assured that the Movie Doctors’ A & E is nothing like that. True, our clinic is full of action, drama, glamour and movie magic: car chases, heroes who survive ridiculous injuries, real-life accidents on set. But ours is safe – you could watch the goriest, most violent scenes in our clinic and it wouldn’t add up to an hour spent in an actual A & E. Go on, collect a ticket at reception. The Movie Doctors will attend to you shortly.
ON-SET A & E
A Clinical Examination
Film sets are really dangerous places to work. In August 2014, the Independent newspaper reported that gruff-voiced action star Jason Statham (of whom both the Doctors are huge fans) had ‘narrowly avoided death on the set of The Expendables 3’. According to the story, ‘the actor was forced to leap from a truck he was driving before it plunged 60ft into the sea after a stunt went horribly wrong’. ‘He faced death,’ declared Expendables co-star Sylvester Stallone with a straight face (or at least a face as ‘straight’ as Sly can actually manage). ‘He was test driving a three-ton truck and the brakes run out. It went down 60ft into the Black Sea and was impaled.’
For anyone else, it would have been catastrophic – but not for The Stath. Luckily, before becoming everyone’s favourite shirtless, oil-wrestling screen star, Jason was a champion diver (he competed for England at the Auckland Commonwealth Games in 1990) and was thus able to leap nimbly from the crashing vehicle, presumably performing a perfectly executed pike en route, before swimming briskly to safety. ‘If anyone else had been in that truck he would have been dead,’ Stallone told the Indie. ‘But because Jason is an Olympic quality diver he got out of it.’ As for The Stath himself, he proved as cool as his on-screen persona, playing down the allegedly life-threatening incident, and insisting that the worst thing that happened to him during the shoot of The Expendables 3 was the fact that ‘I snapped a shoelace in the very first scene.’ You can see why we love him.
Jason’s on-set accident made for acres of lively news coverage, all of which helped to publicise the movie. But the fact remains that (if the story is true) Statham had a very lucky escape. Others have been less fortunate. Indeed, over its hundred-year-plus history, the art of moviemaking has often proved injurious and occasionally lethal, with cast and crew risking life and limb in pursuit of a good shot.
Michael Curtiz’s disaster epic Noah’s Ark (1928) was billed as ‘The spectacle of the ages!’, using a reported 600,000 gallons of water to bring the image of a massive biblical flood crashing onto cinema screens. Audiences were awestruck by the results, but few contemporary viewers knew that such overwhelming spectacle had been achieved at an extremely high human cost. According to popular folklore, three extras drowned during the climactic flood sequences, while another lost a leg from injuries incurred on the set. Indeed, so high was the casualty rate on Noah’s Ark that Hollywood promptly instigated new stunt-safety regulations with the specific aim of minimising the risks which had become an everyday part of moviemaking. Yet even with such apparent safeguards in place, lives have continued to be lost while making movies.
Glancing back over the last forty years of film-making, we find a litany of tragic accidents which demonstrate just how perilous the profession can be. Most distressingly, in the early eighties seasoned performer Vic Morrow and youngsters My-ca Dinh Le and Renee Shin-Yi Chen were killed on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983) when an action sequence involving a helicopter
