or being heard. She was the neighborhood outcast and no one cared what she had to say.
Instead, the media, business community and assorted haters in Hampden and elsewhere were telling her story for her. It was a classic example of a lesson I’ve preached for years: “If you don’t tell your story, someone else will. And when someone else tells your story, it won’t be the story you want told.”
The story they were telling about Denise was simple: she was a classic villain. She was a latter-day Cruella Deville, sneering at the offended sensibilities of the good citizens of Hampden.
She was the Grinch Who Stole Hon.
But after speaking extensively with Denise, I saw a different side of this person I’d read and heard about. I saw a genuine, deeply-wounded person who needed help. Denise hated the isolated life she was now forced to endure. And she didn’t know how to navigate her way out.
We needed to change the “villain” narrative in a hurry and humanize this good person. At the same time, Denise had to become stronger and embrace the skepticism.
Our first order of business was to develop a core messaging and media plan, focusing on key points Denise would convey in answering reporters’ questions.
A few examples:
Q: Why trademark the word Hon. Do you own it?
A: As in any industry around the world, each business must protect its brand and ability to operate. It is a common and sound business practice embraced by many. (Business perspective was important as Denise was merely doing what every sharp business person does, man or woman).
Q: By trademarking Hon, did you steal something from Baltimore?
A: Not at all—we are sound business stewards for the term. Our business goal is to keep the term in its rightful home: Baltimore. No one owns the rich traditions of the city—we only embrace them for a period of time before we pass the baton to the next generation. If the term is not trademarked, anyone could move to own it and take it from our city.
Q: With the negative reaction to the trademark, why don’t you just give it up?
A: Cafe Hon has been in business for nearly 20 years and I plan to continue to operate here in Baltimore for years to come. If we give up legal protection of the term “Hon” for restaurant services, retail services or T-shirts, we expose the business and all that we have worked for. Again, the legal goal is solely to protect the business interest, not restrict speech or make others feel as if they cannot use the term in conversation. Others may decide to trademark the term who will not keep it in Baltimore.
The strategy was similar with the Cafe Hon website and the various digital platforms where she was being hounded. This was where the real conversation was occurring, not on the marble stoops that real Baltimore Hons still lovingly scrubbed with soap and water each weekend.
Denise had been avoiding everyone, paralyzed with uncertainty over what to do. We urged her to respond and be present, to tell her story with authenticity and meaning. We had to work on Denise’s confidence and build her inner conviction—the same determination she relied on to build her business as a single mother during the previous two decades. It was there, we simply had to light the fire again.
We also needed to deal with the very aggressive, hostile and malicious group of people who were bullying Denise and wanted to see her fail at every turn. These were people who enjoyed kicking others while they were down. They basked in other people’s problems.
Should Denise Whiting have made the business decision to trademark “Hon?” Maybe, maybe not. It didn’t matter. It was a business decision that was largely misunderstood by the populace. And now it was a toxic issue ruining her business and personal life.
Clearly, she wasn’t an axe murderer or criminal who preyed on the vulnerable. So did the perception that she stole the term “Hon” warrant all this backlash and behavior? Absolutely not. It was a mob mentality at its worst, people operating on the streets and social media platforms with a high degree of anonymity. Denise wasn’t challenging it because she was beaten down and scared.
One of the leaders of the anti-Whiting bullies was a young man who stalked and harassed Denise, both in-person and online. He also pasted Hon stickers with a slash through them everywhere in Hampden. (This was the same charming individual who would bolt into Cafe Hon when it was packed with diners and scream.)
In my view, this type of behavior was absolutely intolerable. While he may have disagreed with Denise’s business tactic, it gave him no right to break the law and try to instill fear and intimidation into her life and those around her. I convinced Denise to go to court—in fact, I went with her—to obtain a peace order and set a court date, severely restricting the man’s access to her. He ended up writing a letter of apology and swore never to be around her again. To this day, he has not been a factor in her life.
My philosophy on bullying is simple: sometimes you’ve got to punch the bully right in the nose—at least metaphorically—so everyone gets the message that you’re not going to take it anymore. In other words, this type of behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. This was our figurative right cross to the bully’s snout. Denise began to feel more and more confident—she had a team on her side that didn’t fear confrontation.
The bottom line with bullies: start by very assertively expressing that their tactics won’t be tolerated. If it continues, hold them accountable by any lawful means possible—progressive discipline, police reports, criminal court, civil court, etc. Make no apologies for criminally or civilly pursuing those who hurt others or destroy property.
I also accompanied Denise to several merchant association meetings attended by other business owners, managers and elected officials. They, too, were protesting and balking at her business posture. Again, we strongly encouraged Denise to tell her story and face the music so she could control her message at the grass-roots level, rather than letting everyone else do it for her. Denise was carefully scripted and rehearsed—this was no time for missteps.
It was uncomfortable for her. But our goal was to bring people from negative to neutral about Denise, not to make them advocates—although we would gladly take that. We needed to take the edge off the issue and restore Denise’s “humanity.” Denise had chosen not to attend these important meetings in the past; however, with each meeting, she grew more confident in her ability to defend her position.
In addition, we set up security details with the Baltimore Police Department to watch her and her business at HonFest. That was where the majority of activity was occurring. The threats and actions against her were becoming more aggressive. Not to sound overly dramatic, but you never knew who was going to do what to get their proverbial 15 minutes of fame and become the “community hero.”
Still, we urged her to celebrate HonFest and do what she had always done, just a little more cautiously and with a few more plain-clothes police officers near her. Bullies want to see their victims change their behavior—it gives them a feeling of power and control. We were determined not to let that happen.
If you’re strong and exhibiting professional behavior, you send the clear message that you won’t be intimidated. This deprives bullies of their self-anointed heroism and takes away their control.
Within weeks of working with Denise, I saw her gradually becoming physically and mentally stronger, a much more confident person, and a more focused and determined leader. She was becoming resilient again.
I knew she was that under normal circumstances.
