and the Sunshine State 134
Locking up a fast piece of your past 137
When prom backfires 139
On this date in history 141
Paul is still not dead 143
Memories of working as an extra on the
less-than-classic ‘Jaws 3-D’ 146
First Person: My own personal Roswell 149
[8] Call of the Wild 153
Osprey Cam Update: Audrey preens; Tom still a no-show 154
A mammal only a mother (and father) mammal could love 157
Quick! Spray that bat house!!! 159
Enemies at the gate—deck, porch, soul 161
[9] It’s Actually About Me 163
Standing tall and hating gray 164
When the moon is in the seventh—or second—house 167
Dating is still too much pressure and heartache 169
Speaking of dachshund underwear 172
Trash talking: Tales from the pit 174
The jealous kind 176
My resolutions (a.k.a. goals) for 2014 178
The Short List: In praise of pleasure 180
Taking a strange, unexpected and personal walk
through our newspaper 182
Oh, what a beautiful morning 185
Little did I know 188
[10] Man’s Second Best Friend 191
Good-bye my lovely 192
Man’s second best friend 195
My own bridge scandal 197
Unmentionable driving crimes 199
‘Love Shack’ Redux 201
The mother of all nature 203
My brush with the law & other fun stories 205
So, Anne Arundel doesn’t welcome us? 207
When the cobra strikes 209
[11] From Flights of Fancy 211
In a sentence, Donald Trump is a bluffer
(or How I spent my Summer Vacation) 212
Once more to McDermott’s Pub in Ireland 215
Portable Paris: An immoveable feast 217
Tequila, Blue Angels and Iguanas 219
Hello, I’m not working today 221
Have you tried snow snorkeling? 223
Bethany, My Bethany 225
[12] Hometown Favorites 227
First Person: ‘Cloudy with a chance of meatballs’ 228
Volunteer caretaker tends to Brewer Hill Cemetery 230
First Person: My house of cards 233
‘I have not yet begun to shave’ 235
Zip lines, oysters 237
Capital News Quiz: 8 teachable moments 239
Stopping by Lafayette Park on a Snowy Afternoon 242
Anne Arundel County welcomes us—with strings attached 243
Vote for me and get cool free stuff! 245
Thank you, Stephen Colbert 247
Annapolis noir, baby. 249
Update: Athena is home 252
Peekaboo, where are you Ronald Reagan? 254
Cuddle up and I’ll tell you a story 256
Maryland, My Maryland 258
[13] Pets—But Mostly Earle 261
How to find your spirit animal 262
Sami and Bella officially respond 264
Earle & I: An intimate conversation 266
Highway (Dog) Philosophy 269
First Person: Earle: 6, Chipmunk: 0 271
Earle: Just the Facts 273
Tail of the confused dog 275
The fine, fine brain of a cat 277
Sick as a parrot? Not exactly 279
[14] Put Down the Tequila 281
Put down the Tequila and step away slowly 282
Sober and reporting for duty 285
Love you like a brother (and other motivational workplace lines) 287
Why yes, that is a waste basket on his head 289
But do you deserve a summer office party? 291
The job evaluation selfie 293
People, if you read nothing else 296
How do you spell s-t-r-e-s-s? 298
The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence 301
FOREWORD
On a chilly winter evening six years ago, my great friend Rob Hiaasen and I sat in an Irish bar in the northern Baltimore suburbs, swilling pints of Guinness.
The band was playing a god-awful Pogues cover, one that, were it ever played in the presence of Shane MacGowan, would cause the band’s legendary front man to weep and stab himself with a sharp object.
Rob quickly tired of the caterwauling on stage. So we moved to a quieter spot in the back of the room, where he was eager to share news about his latest exercise regimen.
Months earlier, he explained, he’d bought boxing gloves, an 80-pound Everlast heavy bag and a speed bag. Now, every night after work, he was punching the bags for 12 three-minute “rounds” and resting for a minute between each one—just like in a real boxing match.
“I’m
