function, tries to reason with us and tell us there is no cause for fear. In some people, executive function is so well developed that it completely inhibits the urge to escape; they have no awareness of discomfort. But not everyone has such robust executive function. Most people feel some discomfort. Some of us feel a lot.
Here is where the social engagement system can step in and make the elevator ride comfortable. If we receive the right signals from another person, the social engagement system activates the parasympathetic nervous system. It applies vagal braking, which overrides the stress hormones and makes us feel at ease.
But what if there is no one physically present whose face, voice, and touch have that effect? Research at the University of Arizona, published in 2019, shows that having a calming friend in mind is as protective against stress as having the friend physically present. The research involved 102 participants who were in a committed romantic relationship. Participants were split into three groups. Members of each group were exposed individually to a stressful situation. In the stressful situation, those in the first group were asked to think about their day. Those in the second group were asked to think about their romantic partner. Those in the third group had their partner present. Those assigned to the second and third groups had lower blood pressure during stress than those in the first group. There was no difference in the blood pressures of those in the second and third groups. One of the researchers, Kyle Bourassa, said, “It appears that thinking of your partner as a source of support can be just as powerful as actually having them present.” The conclusions of this research study, regarded as ground-breaking, correspond with the results thousands of clients have achieved using the method in this book.
When Carole drove through the tunnel, she had no one physically with her to down-regulate her. Prior to her trip, however, she had made sure she had someone with her psychologically. She linked her trip through the tunnel, landmark by landmark, to the memory of a person whose face, voice, and touch activated her parasympathetic nervous system. Vagal braking calmed her. This method can be applied to any stress-producing situation.
CHAPTER 6
Control Panic and Claustrophobia with Vagal Braking
Becky emailed:
I have been terrified of elevators. As a nurse, I would climb ten or more flights of stairs at the hospital to avoid taking the elevator. This is part of a severe generalized anxiety disorder that resulted in years of daily panic attacks. I am fifty-two years old, and after seeing a variety of therapists over many years, this [the SOAR program] has helped me tremendously.
Carole’s experience navigating the Holland Tunnel proves that we can intentionally evoke the effects of a friend’s calming presence to manage panic. In some cases, calming signals from other people are built into our memories serendipitously. For example, even if you were scared when you first used an elevator, if you were with someone you felt physically and emotionally safe with, you likely associated that person’s presence — and their calming signals — with the elevator. Thereafter, when in an elevator, the invisible psychological presence of that person quelled your fears. Your friend’s psychological presence overrode the urge to escape and stopped the panic before it even started.
But if calming associations were not built into your brain serendipitously earlier in life, you can build them in now, as Carole did. It’s really simple. We need to find a memory of a time when you were with a person whose presence activated your parasympathetic nervous system. Do you have a friend with whom you have, at times, felt your guard let down? If so, you were unconsciously receiving signals that you were physically and emotionally safe in their presence. Feeling your guard let down is proof of full activation of the parasympathetic nervous system. If you are not sure whether you have ever experienced this feeling, let me see if I can point you to it. When you are with a friend you feel comfortable with, you may think you are completely relaxed. Unexpectedly, a ripple goes through your body, and you relax even more. That’s your guard letting down.
If you have not experienced this feeling, you can use something close to it: the memory of being with a person who, at least sometimes, did not judge you in any way. You may remember a child who was delighted to see you and ran to greet you. Other memories that may evoke the feeling are saying your wedding vows, getting engaged, cuddling a pet or seeing it running free, going fishing or playing golf with a friend, or celebrating a success with teammates.
To address the claustrophobia in an elevator, recall being with your friend. Remember their face, their eyes, their voice, and their touch. Imagine your friend is holding up a black-and-white snapshot of an elevator. Keep that in mind for a few seconds to establish a visual link between the elevator and the friend’s face. Some signals that activate your calming system are communicated in a person’s voice, so we also want to establish a vocal link. Imagine that you and your friend are looking at the snapshot together and having a conversation about it. It doesn’t matter what is said: the important thing is that you link your friend’s voice to the elevator scene in the photograph. Touch is calming, too: during this conversation, imagine that your friend gives you a reassuring touch.
Most panic-inducing situations have something in common: we feel unsafe, and escape is not immediately available. When escape is blocked, flight — our most instinctive way of dealing with panic — is compromised. After you have linked a calming memory of a friend to the experience of being in an elevator, consider other situations where escape is not immediately available such as a tunnel, a high place, a multilane highway, or a seat in a classroom, church, or theater that is not at the end of a row. All of these situations can be dealt with in the same way, by establishing calming links to them.
Everyone tries to avoid thinking about anxiety-producing situations. Set that strategy aside for a few minutes and make a detailed list of situations you find challenging. Choose one situation to work on. Think through all the parts of the experience. Link the face, voice, and touch of the calming friend to each challenging moment of the situation. Repeat this exercise daily for a week. Then choose another anxiety-producing situation, and work through that. Once you have linked all the challenging moments of each situation to the calming presence of your friend, you will no longer feel the urgent need to escape. If you have had your friend with you in a challenging situation and not felt calm, here is some good news: having your friend built inside, already linked directly to each challenging moment, provides greater calming than simply having the person with you physically but not linked to the challenges. Built inside, your friend stops the stress before you can become aware of it.
For the experience of getting in an elevator, I’ve listed some typical steps below. Your own list may be longer or shorter.
• Walking into the building
• Walking to the elevator
• Pressing the button for the elevator to come
• Waiting for the elevator
• Elevator door opening
• Seeing the elevator ready for you to get in
• Stepping into the elevator
• Selecting the tenth floor
• In the elevator; more people getting in
• In the elevator, waiting for the door to close
• Elevator door closing
• Elevator, with the door closed, not moving
• Elevator starting upward; heavy
