A New Kind of Loneliness
Part 1. Understanding Closeness
Chapter 2. An Environment of Obstacles
Chapter 3. Dispelling Old Myths
Chapter 4. Learning to Pick Partners
Part 2. Mastering the Art of Knowing
Chapter 5. Gaining Access to Another Person’s World
Chapter 6. Drawing Deeper Understanding
Chapter 7. Asking Inviting Questions
Chapter 8. Listening to Another Person’s Narrative
Part 3. Mastering the Art of Caring
Chapter 9. Feeling Another Person’s Feelings
Chapter 10. Uniting as a Team
Chapter 11. Making a Relationship
Chapter 12. Showing Another Person You Care
Part 4. Mastering the Art of Closeness
Chapter 13. Creating a Culture of Closeness
Chapter 14. Overcoming Obstacles at Work, at Home, and in Love
Chapter 15. Getting Closer to Yourself
Conclusion: Us vs. Loneliness
Appendix: Reminders and Takeaways
Notes
Index
About the Author
For as long as humans have gathered, there have always been those who have found themselves a little on the outside. Their peers may have perceived them as different, or they may have perceived themselves as so. Relationships may have been harder for them to find, and a struggle to keep. For as long as people have attempted not to be alone, there have been those who have still been lonely.
Historically, loneliness was a result of rejection by the tribe. You had to cross some unspoken line or break a taboo to be shunned. You had to set off alarm bells in some way. There was a reason for one’s isolation from the group and resulting loneliness, and it was a somewhat rare occurrence. Loneliness was the exception, not the rule.
Today, in the Western developed world, loneliness is becoming more the rule than the exception. Nearly everyone struggles with loneliness at some point; you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who hasn’t suffered at least a short stint of painful loneliness. You’d hardly know it, though, since loneliness no longer looks the way it once did.
Loneliness is no longer characterized by rejection from the group or an inability to find a mate. Today, isolation is often experienced by highly functional people who have no apparent cause for feeling separate. This type of loneliness is hard to pinpoint, even by those in the throes of it. It’s a new kind of loneliness, one that is not typified by a lack of people in our lives. It’s an internal loneliness, a loneliness of the heart and mind.
This subtle yet troubling type of loneliness is not only elusive; it’s becoming increasingly common. Most, if not all, of us have felt it at one point or another. In a moment when everything you need to do is done, you suddenly realize you have very few people with whom you can discuss the things that really matter. Maybe it dawns on you that very few people — if anyone — really know you. That very few people — if anyone — really care.
If you’ve struggled with this kind of loneliness, you’ve likely found it extremely frustrating to overcome. You want to feel less lonely, you make an effort to incorporate more people into your life, you try to connect with them, but you often walk away feeling that your efforts haven’t panned out.
This new type of loneliness is not like hunger, which is always satisfied by food. Even if the meal isn’t delicious, it still sates you. A stale loaf of bread satisfies true hunger as well as a freshly baked one. Yet somehow a mediocre interaction with other people does not alleviate loneliness. It usually makes it worse.
I want you to know that it’s not just you feeling this way; evidence indicates that increased feelings of disconnectedness are a trend across the entire Western world. In 2006 the American Sociological Review reported that the average American had only 2.08 people with whom they felt they could discuss matters of importance. This number had dropped by almost a third since 1985. Researchers also found that the number of respondents who said they had no one to talk to about matters of importance had more than doubled, to 25 percent.
In many ways this trend is counterintuitive. Our modern world now affords us channels for communicating with anyone, anytime, anywhere. We have access to other people at unprecedented rates — rates our ancestors would have found superhuman. We no longer need to lose contact with anyone unless we want to, and if we want to, we can always meet someone new.
But the fact that we can surround ourselves with people more easily than ever before begs the question “If you and I are always available, without any practical barriers, why do I feel the barriers so intensely?”
The answer, which speaks to the heart of this new loneliness, is that the problem is not a lack of people; it’s a lack of feeling. Specifically, the lack of one particular feeling: that of closeness.
When a relationship lacks closeness, you’ll sense that the other person doesn’t really know you and/or doesn’t really care about you. Loneliness is essentially sadness caused by a lack of closeness, also known as sadness caused by distance. This is why it doesn’t work to simply surround yourself with people. You must actually feel close to them.
The good news is that you have the power to create closeness with any willing partner, through the efforts detailed in this book. And you don’t need to be a social butterfly to do this: using the techniques in this book to become just a little closer to one or two people will greatly ease your pangs of isolation.
You can create closeness with anyone who also desires it — regardless of how you met or by what title you call each other. Family member, friend, romantic partner, even coworker — anyone can become a person close to your heart, if you make the effort. You can create closeness within one of your existing relationships or within one yet to be formed.
Understanding how to do this requires a shift
