that life was hell when he was living with us. He was always butting in.”
“He was your father.”
“No. He was your husband. And the two of you were always arguing. Then he ups and walks out. And I thought that was great, but you were miserable for a long time after. And now, after all these years, he turns up in our lives again and you welcome him in. That I don’t understand.”
Carolyn closed her eyes. “I thought you’d grown up.”
The words stung. Hannah blinked back the tears. Here he was, dividing them again, now when her mom was dying. The bastard.
“O.K. Mom, I’ll be civil to him.” Just don’t be mad at me.
“Thank you, dear.” Carolyn reached for her hand, but Hannah barely felt the weak squeeze.
Dan returned as Hannah prepared to take the tray away. Time to be nice. “I usually read to Mom a while after lunch. Would you like to do that?”
“Yes, I would. Thank you, Hannah.”
She left as Dan sat down and stroked the side of Carolyn’s face, left before her anger erupted.
She closed the door to her room and stripped, changing into shorts and sports bra. She had to get out of there, run off some of the tension. The temperature had risen, making it too balmy for late September. Indian summer. A last chance for the heat of summer. But there’d be no last chance for her mom. On her way out she stopped at the open bedroom door. Dan had made himself very comfortable.
“I’m going out for a run. Won’t be long.”
She didn’t wait for an answer. She had to get out of there. She hit the laneway at top speed and didn’t slow down until she’d done half her route, down the road, up a dirt trail through the woods and over to the cliff.
Her foot caught the tip of a stick and she stumbled, pitching towards the edge. She grabbed a low-hanging branch to stop her fall. Her whole body shook, her heart pounded in her ears. It was a long way down to the shoreline. She bent over from the waist, breathing hard.
She couldn’t catch her breath. She never ran out of breath. Hadn’t since her early days of running. She straightened, avoiding looking straight down, and did some leg stretches, then sat on a log well back from the edge, staring out at the ocean. Breathe slowly. Relax. She used to love coming here to sit and watch, sometimes to dream about sailing across that open expanse of water to whatever was beyond. Maybe all the way to Japan. Just relax.
Of course, in those days, she’d fantasized about a special guy going along with her. Well, guess what, he’d never materialized. Lots of false tries but never Mr. Right. One analyst had said it was because no one could compare to her father, the father she never knew, a memory she’d assembled from bits and pieces of other men. The warm laugh of a friend’s father. The dark, haunting looks of a magazine model. The togetherness of television’s Walton family. She didn’t know anything about him; her mother had always refused to discuss him. She didn’t even know his name, but that was okay, he was always “my daddy”. She’d woven a rich fantasy life for the three of them. Before Dan had come along.
He couldn’t compare to her daddy. And she had refused to call him that. He had pushed his way into their lives, taking up all her mother’s time, and driving her daddy further away from her thoughts. Hannah had hated him for five long years. Until he had left. And her daddy was able to return, to be with her. And she was happy.
“Hannah, do you think we could have a talk?” Dan asked as he cleared the dinner dishes from the table. It had been a quiet meal, just the two of them, eating a nuked frozen lasagna and fresh green salad she’d tossed together with makings from the garden.
“I don’t think we have anything to talk about.” She ran the dishwater to drown out his words.
He went back to sit with Carolyn while Hannah fumed. Her mom. She was the one who should be sitting with her, not cleaning up after him. She finished the dishes then went in to get her mom ready for sleeping. Dan disappeared until later that evening, when Hannah sat reading in the living room.
“You can’t avoid me for the entire time I’m here, Hannah.” Dan sat down beside her on the couch before she had time to object. “I know you think I didn’t belong in your lives, but I did love you both, you know.”
Hannah closed her book and turned to face him. “No, I don’t know and it doesn’t make any difference anyway. You’re here to visit with Mom. Let’s leave it at that. I do appreciate having my privacy, if you don’t mind.” She heard the chill in her voice and was glad of it.
Dan shook his head. “Okay. Okay.” He stood slowly and retreated down the hall. She waited until she heard the door to his room open and shut, then she opened her book and stared at the pages. An hour later, she closed it, not having progressed from that single page, and went to bed.
Hannah dreamed again that night but could recall only bits and pieces of it in the morning. She’d been with her mom, somewhere. Just the two of them walking along the river.
Her head throbbed. Another tension headache in full control. Run. She needed to run. Dan’s door was closed as she crept down the hall. Her mom slept noisily but soundly. Her Rykas crunched loudly on the gravel laneway, drowning out the sound of the nuthatches as she jogged over to the road. After ten minutes of full out running, she cut back to a medium paced walk for one minute, then another ten minutes at full speed. By the time she reached the cliff, her breathing was measured, her mantra keeping her pace. No-body-loves-you-like-your-Mom. Run for ten minutes, walk for one, then…she stopped at the sight of Dan sitting on her log, staring out at the water.
Her heart battered the walls of her chest making it hard to breathe. Her log. Her mom. Nobody loves you like your mom.
She ran straight at Dan and pushed. He pitched forward, his yell becoming more faint as he plummeted the hundred metres to the rocks below. She bent over from the waist and gulped air. After a few minutes, she sat on the log and stared across the ocean. The silence surrounded her. No birds chirping. No waves intruding. No thoughts invading her head. She eventually roused herself and headed back to the house.
Hannah sat on the edge of her mom’s bed and held her hand. The funeral had been held that morning, and Carolyn had insisted on attending. It had drained all of her strength, even on a gurney with an ambulance transporting her.
“I can’t believe it.” Carolyn sobbed, gasping for air. Hannah grabbed the mask from the portable oxygen unit and placed it over her mom’s nose and mouth until her breathing became less laboured. After a few minutes, Carolyn pulled the mask aside.
“I had so hoped you two would get to know each other again.”
“Please, don’t try to talk. Just rest, Mom.” Hannah reached for the mask, but Carolyn grasped her hand.
“I have to talk. To tell you.”
“It can wait, Mom. Just lie quiet now.”
“No. I have to tell you, now. Hannah, don’t hate me, baby. Please. I did it for you.” Her fingers actually dug into Hannah’s hand, and her voice sounded stronger. “You’d built up such an image of your father. Of what you thought he was like. Except…Dan and I. We…we’d been lovers. My husband found out. Dan left. He was in the military. They sent him away to Cyprus on a peacekeeping
