that thought is true. Really! Think about how many times you’ve had a random thought appear out of the blue. For example, maybe your friend has been acting evasive lately when you try to make plans for dinner with them. You can’t help but think maybe they don’t want to spend time with you anymore. But is this true? Maybe. But it could also be that your friend is being evasive because they are planning a surprise birthday party for you, or they are distracted by a stressful work week or a difficult family relationship. Once you know the facts, it’s easy to see that your initial belief wasn’t actually accurate.
Our thoughts are not always true, but some thoughts are easier than others to dismiss. Most of our thoughts aren’t very powerful — or, as I like to say, very “sticky” — but the thoughts our inner critic feeds us are very sticky for some reason. Yet the thoughts your inner critic feeds you are simply … not … true.
Take a step back and ask yourself what that voice inside your head is telling you. What kind of lies is it feeding you on a daily basis? If you’ve never tried to stop the lies your inner critic is feeding you, it can be difficult even to recognize them at first, because they are so deeply ingrained. Here’s a clue to help determine whether your negative thoughts are coming from your inner critic or from your authentic (and more accurate) self: if the thought is negative and coming from a place from fear, it’s probably your inner critic.
For example, many of my friends and I can have trouble accepting compliments. Even something as simple as “I love your scarf” can be uncomfortable to hear. It’s easier to respond with, “Oh, I couldn’t decide what to wear this morning so I grabbed this in a hurry, but it’s actually a pain to wear,” when a simple “Thank you!” would have been sufficient.
Why is it so hard to accept a compliment? For many of us, it’s because we believe it when our inner critic tells us we don’t deserve it. A “congratulations” or a “job well-done” on a work project, or even a compliment on our physical appearance, seems like a lie. Rather than boosting confidence, compliments serve as an uncomfortable reminder that we aren’t happy with ourselves.
Similarly, we all have those friends who are always apologizing, even if something isn’t their fault. Their emails, texts, and phone calls always begin with “Sorry to bother you, but …” While it seems harmless enough, this simple phrase communicates that they feel like they are imposing on us and our time, as if they have to preemptively apologize for asking a simple question. Here’s a tip I’ve found helpful in conquering this habit: Whenever I find myself starting an email with an apology, I delete the apology and dive right into the reason why I am emailing.
That pesky inner critic can also show up when we talk negatively about ourselves to other people. Phrases like, “I’m so lazy,” “I’m not good at XYZ,” and “I’m sorry I’m so boring,” are all ways our critical inner voice leaks out. It’s our way of expressing that we aren’t happy with ourselves.
The inner critic constantly reinforces any false belief we may have that we are unlovable, unworthy, and never enough.
Like Kristina, we can let this voice keep us from lifting ourselves up and striving for our goals. It tells us that we’ll never amount to anything, and we ask ourselves why we even try. If we can’t do it perfectly, we may as well not do it at all, we tell ourselves. At the same time, we hold ourselves to impossible standards of perfection that we don’t expect from anyone else. It’s understandable if other people make mistakes, but we think we should never make mistakes, because that indicates we are stupid and weak. Other people may struggle to keep their lives together, but we have to maintain perfect work/life balance or we’re failing in our relationships. We love many other people who may not be beautiful or successful by any worldly standard, but unless we lose a certain amount of weight, look a certain way, have a particular job, make a certain amount of money, or own a particular type of home, we are failures. The trouble with holding ourselves to standards of perfection is that we will always be disappointed because (news flash!) no one is perfect.
Sometimes it’s easier to see this when it comes to other people. We are quick to offer words of support and encouragement when someone else is struggling in any way. Why do we withhold that same kindness from ourselves?
While we may not neglect ourselves to the same extent as Kristina (or Jeffrey and Anna from the previous chapter), our belief that we aren’t worth taking care of can show up in many other ways. When day-to-day life seems overwhelming, zoning out in front of the TV eating a bowl of cereal is much easier than dragging ourselves to the gym for a workout. Skimping on sleep is somehow easier than getting to bed on time. We’d rather stay up late watching TV, which inevitably means getting up in a rush the next morning, after hitting the snooze button one too many times. Neglecting self-care can also look like snacking on a candy bar instead of eating a well-balanced meal, or feeling like you have to say yes to every request at work or favor asked by a friend.
When we listen to our inner critic, we give in to not expending the time and energy it takes to take care of our needs. And we can be very creative with our excuses for neglecting self-care. Typical excuses include:
• I don’t have the time.
• I don’t have the energy.
• People need me (family, coworkers, friends).
• That time in front of the TV is the only “me time” I get in a day.
• What are you talking about? I’m fine — I don’t need much anyway.
Do any of these sound familiar? If you consistently relegate your own well-being to the back burner, you probably need to take a look at what’s going on. Why are you so bent on achieving impressive things in your work, to the detriment of your health? Why do you bend over backward to make sure everyone likes you? Or why do you keep falling back into the bad habits and cycles that leave you feeling miserable and defeated? On some level, you’re probably listening to that mean voice in your head — or trying your hardest to prove it wrong.
Silence Your Inner Critic
Listening to our inner critic and neglecting self-care are often deeply ingrained and, because of this, it can take time to learn a new way of thinking about ourselves and our self-worth. For most of us, that inner voice is a melding of many factors that have joined forces over the course of our lives to become the self-critical monologue we hear in our heads on a daily basis. Negative childhood experiences, criticism from our parents or other adults in our life when we were children, difficulty in school, friendship struggles, relationship challenges, and body-image issues all contribute to the formation of the inner critic. While everyone’s negative voice sounds different, unfortunately, no one is immune.
Thankfully, you don’t have to let your inner critic sabotage your life. You can break the cycle of self-defeating thoughts and actions.
Stopping the cycle begins with silencing that inner voice. It’s time to make a change. When you ignore your own needs, you set yourself up for long-term misery, and over time you reinforce the lie that you’re not worth the effort. It starts with small habits of neglect, such as regularly skimping on sleep, or consistently trading healthy meals for more convenient but less healthy takeout. Over time these small habits can snowball into bigger ones, like letting relationships slide. The result? You’re stressed, overwhelmed, overtired and exhausted, overworked, under-confident, and lonely.
To silence your inner voice, start by challenging it. Refuse to accept what your inner critic says as gospel truth. Even if the inner voice tells you it’s not worth it, take practical steps to care for your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. In the beginning it may feel counterproductive because your inner critic’s voice is so loud, but
