13 — The Little Way of Marriage: An Invitation
Appendix 1 — Marriage: An Owner’s Manual
Appendix 2 — Where to Turn: Resources for Couples
Introduction
“Happily Ever After”:
The Possible Dream
Every married couple wants to live “happily ever after.” This book will show you what it takes.
This new, revised, and expanded edition of For Better … FOREVER integrates even more cutting-edge-psychology with a clearer articulation of the Catholic vision of love and marriage in a way that we believe will surprise you, challenge you, and revitalize your relationship. More than a guide to an incredible Christian marriage, For Better … FOREVER offers you a path to a complete and soulful marital spirituality. You will discover new and exciting ways to fill your home with the love that flows from God’s own heart.
Is “Happily Ever After” Possible?
We opened this book by noting that every couple would like to make it to “happily ever after,” but there are many people in this, the third generation of the culture of divorce, who wonder, “Are happily-ever-after marriages even possible?”
Much to everyone’s surprise, they are, even today!
Recent research has identified a group of married couples we call the Exceptional Seven Percent (Popcak, 2002). These are exceptional couples in first-and-forever marriages who report significantly greater-than-average happiness, fulfillment, and longevity. These couples have very different ideas from their less-satisfied peers toward everything, from what they build their marriages around to how they handle conflict, from how they keep love alive to how they maintain the vitality of their marriages though the years.
Born That Way?
When you read about these Exceptional couples, you might very well be thinking, Well, good for them and all, but they were probably born that way.
Survey said (insert obnoxious buzzer noise here): “Wrong!” Studies suggest that only two factors set these remarkable couples apart: relationship skills and life experience. This finding is supported by the fact that another 7 to 8 percent of second marriages fall into the Exceptional category, bringing the Exceptional couples’ tally to approximately 15 percent of all marriages. If these Exceptional couples were born to have uncommonly rewarding marriages, then half of them wouldn’t have had to get divorced to learn how to do it! The good news is, even if you, as a couple, were not born to be what marriage experts refer to as “collaborative geniuses,” or “marriage masters” (Lederer and Jackson, 1990; Gottman, 1995), you can learn how to become one. And, thanks to this book plus God’s grace and your good efforts, you won’t have to get divorced to do it! Better still, all of the attitudes and habits practiced by these couples are completely consistent with solid Christian teaching.
Marriage: The Adventure Begins!
This revised and expanded edition of For Better … FOREVER is divided into three parts, each dedicated to empowering you to achieve a truly fulfilling, long-lasting, Christ-centered marriage.
In Part One of this book, Revealing the Vision will enable you to experience a marriage that will make the angels smile and the neighbors sick with jealousy! (We mean that in the best way possible, of course.)
Many people are surprised to discover that we Catholics have a very different, and very exciting, understanding of marriage that distinguishes us from other couples. In this first part, we’ll look at the “Catholic difference” in marriage. What makes your Catholic marriage special, and why does it matter to you? What do Catholics believe is the one reason for marrying that guarantees the lifelong success of a marriage? How does your Catholic faith increase your chances of reaching the top of the marital food chain? Why does God care that you have a happy marriage, and what is his plan to help you achieve greatness as a couple? How can you and your mate experience the love that springs from God’s own heart? Part One will answer these questions and more.
In Part Two, we’ll look at Where Are We? How Did We Get Here? Where Are We Going? We’ll reveal the hidden pathway to “happily ever after” and help you overcome any obstacles that stand in your way. You’ll discover where your marriage falls on The Relationship Pathway and what you need to do to get from wherever you are to the Exceptional Seven Percent of marriages that exhibit uncommonly high degrees of happiness and stability. You’ll also discover the Seven Stages of Marriage Mountain — that is, the seven stages every marriage encounters over the course of a lifetime. Plus, we’ll show you how you can more easily overcome the challenges that accompany these stages, challenges that often prevent other couples from making it from one stage to the peak. All along the way, you’ll uncover plenty of practical tips to help you make your love deeper and your relationship stronger. You’ll develop the skills and confidence you need to keep your relationship going strong and growing stronger even in the face of all the challenges of life.
In Part Three, we’ll explore The Road to Intimacy. Do you know what it takes to create an uncommonly joyful, passionate, peaceful, and soul-satisfying relationship? God, the Author of love itself, wants your marriage to be an epic love story! Wherever you find yourself on The Relationship Pathway as you scale Marriage Mountain, there are certain habits — your special gear, if you will — that every couple needs to cultivate to get the most out of their relationship and make the journey simpler. We’ll reveal those habits and show you, step-by-step, how to practice them. We’ll expose the true source of lifelong love. You’ll discover the four qualities that create deep marital intimacy and explore what it takes to stay in love every day of your lives together! Plus, we’ll reveal the surprising skills that allow Exceptional couples to draw closer together because of their arguments rather than in spite of them. Finally, For Better … FOREVER will expose the secrets to celebrating a toe-curling, eye-popping, mind-blowing (and, yes, profoundly spiritual) sexuality. Go figure!
A Possible Dream
When we underwent preparation for our marriage, the pastor guiding our experience said a remarkable thing: “I’ve never lost one of my couples [to divorce]. If you make it past me, I know you’ll do just fine.” More than 25 years later, through God’s grace, we are pleased to say that we’re making good on our pastor’s promise to us moment by moment and day by day. We are more in love today than we were the day we said “I do,” and every day reveals even more surprises, joys, and challenges and enables us to take our love to a new and deeper level.
We would like you to join us on this wonderful journey. It is our prayer that as you read these pages, your life, your faith, and your marriage will be transformed; made meaningful in ways you never thought possible. We know that sounds like a tall order, and it is. Ultimately, you will need to be the judge of how well we fulfill our mission to get you to “happily ever after”; but from the very beginning, we want you to know that God created you with all the qualities necessary to have a wonderful marriage. This is even truer if you are baptized, confirmed, married, and active in the life of the Church.
