are acknowledging that you sincerely believe you have a better chance, with each other than without, of becoming all God intends you both to be. As one Protestant minister’s wife said to us, “Jesus saved me, but my husband has everything to do with what shape I’m in when I get there.” Amen, sister.
In His Image
So, what did God create you to be? How do you know what your identity in Christ is? The answer lies in the Scripture passage that tells us we are created in God’s image and likeness. We might not be able to identify God in a lineup. We don’t know the color of his skin and hair, or his weight, or the size of his nose — but we do know what he looks like. We “see” God every day in his compassion, mercy, justice, truth, love, creativity, wisdom, and so on. Being created in God’s image means that each of us is called to reflect those aspects of him, those virtues (love, truth, wisdom, justice, compassion, etc.), which he encoded in our DNA at conception (metaphorically speaking). As C. S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, “[God] lends us a little of his reasoning powers and that is how we think: He puts a little of His love into us and that is how we love one another.”
Wade in the Water: Our Baptismal Identity
Baptism is the foundation of our Christian identity. When we were baptized, God gave us some incredible gifts. In addition to washing our souls clean of original sin, he infused us with sanctifying grace; gave us the three theological virtues of faith, hope, and love; bestowed upon us the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit (wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord); granted us moral virtues (e.g., prudence, justice, temperance, fortitude); and empowered us to bear the twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit (charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control, and chastity). To have an identity in Christ is to live out these freely given virtues and qualities in the unique way the circumstances of our lives demand. You know you have the seeds of an identity if you can say that, between now and the day you die, you’d like to be known for these particular virtues, qualities, ideals, and beliefs. You know the strength of your identity by how much your daily life reflects the active pursuit of those virtues, qualities, ideals, and beliefs. If someone made a reality show of your life (Real Housewives — and Husbands — of Vatican City!), would viewers be able to tell what you stood for just by watching the choices you make, the priorities you set, and the way you live?
The more our daily choices and behaviors reflect these God-given values, virtues, dreams, and goals, the more solid our Christian identity. While each one of us is individually responsible to God for living out this identity, it is the job of a sacramental marriage to support, nurture, and encourage us in this pursuit.
“Pretty words,” you may comment. “But why should I care?”
“You … Complete Me”
Practically speaking, being partners in fulfilling your Christian identities means that when your spouse asks for more from you, you are obliged to give it, so that you can respond to God’s invitation — written on your spouse’s heart — to grow in ways you never would on your own. You respond to this invitation not necessarily because your spouse always deserves such generosity (we so seldom deserve to be loved), but because you have a responsibility to God to demonstrate that generosity. You may not feel like doing more romantic things for your mate, but through these gestures you participate in God’s plan for letting your partner know how special she is to God. You may fear the vulnerability you feel in lovemaking, but that vulnerability is the very thing you and your partner must learn to enjoy if you want to become open to God’s eternal love. Whenever you hold back in your married life, you prevent God from loving your mate the way he wants to love him — the way your mate needs to be loved. Remember, God requires you to be Christ to your spouse. When was the last time Christ refused you a sign of his affection? When did he ever refuse to share the comfort of his precious body with you? You may not have deserved it, and God may or may not have felt like doing it, but, oddly, these issues never came up.
And this is just the beginning. Do you encourage the creativity of your mate — as God does — or do you say, “Why would you want to do something silly like that?” Do you affirm the beauty of your husband or wife — as God does — or do you criticize your spouse and/or treat her or him with benign neglect? Do you seek to fulfill your partner’s dreams, goals, and needs — as God does — or do you cling to your own comfort, asking your spouse to be limited to what you deem acceptable or “reasonable”?
For the Christian, being a master of marital skills has little to do with being a good earthbound companion and everything to do with being a collaborator in God’s plan of salvation for you and your mate. If your spouse isn’t even worth a couple of flowers, a card, some good conversation, or some physical affection from you, how will your mate ever learn to accept the immense bounty of love that God has prepared for her in his heavenly kingdom?
Helping your mate get to heaven involves a great deal more than getting to church on Sunday and praying your Rosary. It involves all that — plus being the loving, attentive, generous spouse Christ would be if he were married to your partner. Have you ever really appreciated the importance of your role as a husband or wife in God’s plan? Grasping this importance is the essential first step of answering the call of the Church, “Families, become what you are” (Familiaris Consortio, n. 17).
Exercise: Creating Shared Meaning — Partners in Christ
At the beginning of this section, we mentioned research showing that couples who create shared meaning for their lives and marriage have much happier and more stable relationships than other couples who are less intentional about sharing a mission (VanderDrift and Lewandowsky, 2010; Gottman, 2011). The following exercise is intended to serve two needs. First, it will help you to clarify both your identity in Christ and what you must do to live out that identity more consistently in your life and marriage. Next, it will help you identify how to make your marriage a partnership in fulfilling that Christian destiny. In essence, by the end of this exercise, you will have developed a basic “mission statement” (or “marital imperative”) around which to build your life and marriage. Don’t expect to fulfill every part of that mission statement today. Rather, view it as a plan of action, an itinerary for what you will be working toward over the course of your lives together.
Part One: Your Christian Identity
Directions: Just like there are different religious orders (e.g., Jesuits, Dominicans, Franciscans, etc.), with each emphasizing a different mission or charism (teaching, preaching, hospitality, simplicity, etc.) that witnesses to another facet of God’s face to the world, God calls each family to be its own religious community (i.e., “domestic church,” cf. Lumen Gentium) that witnesses to his goodness through the qualities they live out in their household (generosity, faithfulness, hospitality, joy, etc.). Take some time to prayerfully meditate on the questions below. Do not share your answers with your mate at this time. This first part is about your identity in Christ, the identity that you would be responsible for living out, whether or not you were ever married.
1. Most of the virtues listed below were given to you freely and automatically at your baptism. Of them all, which virtues do you believe God has made dearest to your heart? Identify a few virtues that are most important to you. Use the list below, or write your own in the space provided. (If you have a hard time answering, try thinking of the qualities you wish to be most known for at the end of your life.)
2. Write the virtues you indicated in the form of a personal motto. (For example: “With God’s help, I will spend my life pursuing the following virtues: love, wisdom, and service.”) Now it’s your
