dream, and then watching them actually achieve it. Friends don’t let you sit quietly in the corner and fade into a beige version of the person they love. They push, cheer, and cajole you into seeking and dreaming, and help drag your exhausted carcass over the finish line.
They help keep us healthy and alive
Studies consistently show the health benefits of having friends. People with close friends are less likely, on average, to develop diabetes, heart disease, depression, and dementia. People with close, meaningful friendships live longer, on average, perhaps because they’re having too much fun to die.
Studies on pain tolerance have shown that having a friend nearby after surgery actually lowers your perception of the pain you’re in and means you need fewer drugs to cope. That means friends are a painkiller, which is kind of like a superhero, so that’s pretty cool.
It’s been proven that the emotional ties of close long-term friends and the mental stimulation they provide are even more effective than exercise in protecting long-term health! Having friends is better for your health than having a gym membership and giving up ice cream. That doesn’t mean that you don’t need to exercise, of course, just that it would be even better if you dragged friends along, or made friends while you were working out. And no one should really give up ice cream.
Good friends encourage us on our walk with God
I want to go to heaven, but I don’t really want to be hanging out on those cloud benches and listening to the angelic choirs all by myself. While that would be great, it would be even better if my friends were there with me, singing along. We pray for and with one another and with each other all the time. We discuss theology and parse our way through what we each believe. We know that part of being healthy is being spiritually healthy, and we want that for one another more than anything.
Any time I find myself in the middle of a period of chaos and upheaval in my life, my friend Jen can be counted on to say: “When was the last time you went to confession? Your life always goes sideways when you haven’t been going.” What’s remarkable about that is that she’s not Catholic. She doesn’t stop to think about what she believes. She knows the things that are part of my walk with Christ, and she can see the peace that the sacraments bring me. While we don’t see eye to eye on theology, we’ve both got our gazes firmly fixed on Jesus.
Good friends aren’t shy about holding each other accountable if one goes off the road and starts drifting into sinful behavior. Faithful friends rejoice over God’s blessings for the other and are bold in crying out to him on each other’s behalf. During the most difficult times of life, a good friend will be like Simon of Cyrene, helping us to carry our cross. They truly want what’s best for us and know that that ultimately means heaven. They help us work toward our own salvation even as we help them toward theirs. Friends are brothers and sisters in Christ, and that makes us family.
We are witnesses of one another
My ninety-six-year-old grandmother puts it even more simply: “Our friends serve as the witnesses of our lives. They are there to remind us of the things we have forgotten and the tales we’ve lived along the way. When we are gone, they tell the world that someone like us once lived and loved. Then someday, hopefully, they will come to stand before the Throne of the Almighty and argue on our behalf. On that day, may their tongues be true and their memories a little faulty.” Amen.
Chapter 2
What Is a Friend?
“In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. They keep the young out of mischief; they comfort and aid the old in their weakness, and they incite those in the prime of life to noble deeds.”
— Aristotle
We’ve gotten lazy with the word “friend” in the past few years. A word that used to mean a person you were close to, or “the family you choose for yourself,” has become slang for anyone (and everyone) we know. “Can you recommend a plumber?” I have a friend… “Do you know anyone who goes to that gym?” I have a friend…
Of course, these people aren’t really friends. They may be nice enough, but they’re only people we are familiar with through life or social media — people whose names and faces we happen to know.
Our grandparents used to call such people acquaintances, and I’m all for breathing new life into that word. There’s nothing wrong with being an acquaintance and not a friend. It simply means that you’re not invested in each other’s lives. I don’t know my plumber’s favorite movie, where he hopes to retire, or anything about his family. I do know that he snakes a mean drain, that he’s fast and efficient when the pipes go wonky, and that he charges me reasonable prices. I don’t really need to know my plumber any better than that. He seems to be a nice guy, but he’s not my friend.
I’m also not friends with my next-door neighbor, the guy who mows the grass, most of the people on my social media “friend lists,” or even my best friend from junior high school. Thanks to modern technology, I may be able to tell you what they ate for dinner last night and where they went on their last vacation, but that knowledge merely creates an illusion of companionship. None of us actually knows each other as people. “Liking” someone’s Facebook posts and posting birthday greetings when social media prompts us to do so is not the same as a real relationship, and somewhere inside of us we all know that.
So, what is a friend? Simply put, it’s someone to spend time with, enjoy, depend on — someone with whom you share your life. It looks so simple on paper, but a deep friendship can actually be a very complex relationship. Part of that stems from the fact that there’s a wide range of people between those we just happen to know of, an acquaintance, and the kind of friend Aristotle called “one soul in two bodies.”
Work friends
After acquaintances, most people we know tend to fall into the “work friend” category. Our work friends are the people we hang out with because we have one or more activities which regularly place us in close proximity. We’re at the same place at the same time, so we chat and hang out because they are convenient to talk to or to do stuff with. They are people we probably wouldn’t choose to hang out with on our own, but when in Rome … : the girl in your history class you grab a coffee with while you compare notes and study for the next exam, the coworker who may be a little older or younger than you but is also the only other normal person in your department, the only other mom at gymnastics class with no makeup and a messy ponytail who’s not talking about when her three-year-old is going to be an Olympic gold medalist — these are your people of the moment and your sanity in the midst of craziness.
While they’re great for inside jokes and snarky commentary for now, they’re probably not going to last beyond graduation, your next job change, or your princess deciding she’s really more into karate than gymnastics. There will be many of these temporary friends during your life. You’ll pick them up and then set them down again once your paths diverge, and there won’t be any hard feelings about it. The glue that held you together will be gone. Five years from now, you’ll see them online or at the grocery store and wrack your brain to remember: “I know I know that guy, but what was his name?” Don’t worry about it, because that person will be doing exactly the same thing when he sees you.
Your kids’ friends’ parents or your spouse’s/significant other’s friends
The parents of your children’s friends and your husband or wife’s friends are work friends who deserve their
