of the men and women who suffer from this addiction hate themselves for their actions, which they know to be wrong but cannot stop. Some even contemplate suicide. They love their spouses deeply and never want to do anything to hurt them, but at the same time they know they are violating their marital vows. Tragically, the chains of addiction and the shame associated with them keep them trapped.
The Need for Recovery
The bottom line here is that women and men who are addicted to pornography and/or sex are deeply wounded. They struggle with a disease called addiction and need treatment. Fortunately, there are effective recovery programs available to help them. The first step is admitting they have a problem and then being willing to seek the help they need. They need to take responsibility for their sinful behaviors and their addiction. They must accept any consequences and be committed to doing whatever it takes to overcome their addiction and restore their marriages. In the next chapter, I outline what the recovery process looks like for people who are addicted, highlighting some key differences between the recovery process for women and the process for men.
The injured spouse can be a source of love, compassion, and moral support throughout the recovery process. They can encourage their addicted spouse to persevere in recovery, especially when the process is difficult. They can help their spouse understand that no matter what they’ve done, or what has happened to them in their lives, they are still loveable. Husbands and wives who are addicted to pornography need to know that God and their spouses still love them.
Helping an addicted spouse into recovery may require an ultimatum from the injured spouse. This requires clearly stating that if they want to continue being married, they will need to enter a recovery program. If they choose not to, there will be consequences, such as separation or divorce. While this can be very difficult to do, there are times when tough love is needed to help an addicted person.42
Chapter 4
Recovery for an Addicted Husband or Wife
While there are many similarities to the recovery processes for men and women, there are also key differences that must be addressed. I recommend both wives and husbands read this chapter. It will help you understand what is needed for a healthy and lasting recovery for a person addicted to pornography and sex, and it will prepare you for the work that will be required to heal, not just for yourself and your addiction, but for your spouse and your marriage.
Recovery will take time and work, but freedom from pornography addiction and other sexual sins is possible. It requires patience and perseverance. There will be some falls along the way, but don’t let this discourage you. Even falls can be used as learning tools to help in building a successful recovery program. Your work in recovery will set the stage for your spouse’s healing and for lasting healing for your marriage. Taking responsibility for your actions means taking a proactive leadership role in recovery. Let your spouse see that you are committed to healing and restoring yourself and your marriage.
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