puts it this way: “[T]he waning of adult authority is directly related to the weakening of attachments with adults and their displacement by peer attachments.”23
Sax wrote his book because he believes that the combination of timid parents, along with the hyper-connectedness social media provides, is allowing teenagers to develop their primary attachments to their peers, not their families. Not only do they turn to their peers for guidance about what matters, they seek out approval and love from them. The problem with this, Sax writes, is that parents love their children unconditionally. Peers do not. It’s a recipe for disaster.
It seems that a perfect storm of weak, confused parents, and technology with the potential to destroy childhood innocence and redouble peer influence, has come together to create a culture that wreaks havoc on childhood.
Solutions, Tips, & Tools
Start Young
Dr. Anderson advises parents that when their child is between twelve and fifteen months old, it’s time for a transition, and that it’s no longer their job to keep their child happy all the time. Up to then, she says, parents try to keep their child smiling and avoid disappointment and frustration at any cost, because, as she puts it, “that’s what you do for a baby.” But by the age of one, and definitely by two, parents need to change that. Usually at such young ages, “no’s” are necessary for safety issues — you can’t have your child touching hot stoves or climbing on tables. By fifteen months the “no’s” are often necessary for behaviors such as biting, kicking, and hitting. Parents must be prepared to say “no,” and to expect their child to be disappointed, frustrated, and unhappy. When that happens, says Anderson, the child has to start problem solving and thinking creatively. Far from stifling creativity or inhibiting their child, parents are actually enhancing and encouraging their child’s development when they say “no.” They’re also teaching diligence, self-reliance, and patience to their children.24
If You Didn’t Start Young, Start Now
Dr. Den Trumbull is a founding member of the American College of Pediatricians and has been in practice for over thirty years. I asked him about parents who realize they need to change direction, take charge, and become more authoritative. “I want to make it really clear that it’s never too late to start,” he told me in an interview for National Catholic Register. Trumbull suggests that parents begin by choosing two or three behaviors that need work. “Then sit down with your four or six or eight-year-old and apologize. ‘We’re sorry for how we have mismanaged a, b and c. Because of our love for you we’re now going to change our approach, and you’re probably not going to be happy with it. But we’re doing this for your own good because we realize we’ve been too easy, too lenient. We’ve allowed you to do things we shouldn’t have. We love you very much, but we need to change our approach.’”25 Chances are the misbehavior will increase for the first week, Dr. Trumbull says. But generally speaking, after the first week parents will begin to see results.
Rule-making
When making rules, be sure they’re clear and age-appropriate. Don’t ask children to follow rules, tell them. And, adds Dr. Sax, don’t negotiate. Very young children don’t need lengthy explanations about the “whys” behind rules. With older kids, understanding the “whys” will help them take ownership of the rules.
Dr. Thomas Lickona, often called “the father of modern character development,” is a developmental psychologist and author of several books, including How to Raise Kind Kids and Get Respect, Gratitude, and a Happier Family in the Bargain. He offers some examples of clear and specific rules parents can make:
• “Say ‘please’ when you’d like something and ‘thank you’ whenever someone does something for you.”
• “Don’t interrupt.”
• Look at the person who’s talking to you.”
• “Come when you’re called — and say ‘Coming’ so I know you’ve heard me.”
• “When someone asks you a question or says something to you, respond.”26
When kids forget the rules, he says, remind them. Remember that rules help children learn self-discipline. “No television until homework’s done,” is not only reasonable, it teaches children temperance.
Here’s a primer on establishing rules from the American College of Pediatricians’ website, based on Laurence Steinberg’s book 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting:
• All children need structure in their lives, and the best way to do this is to establish clear rules and limits.
• Be sure to establish rules that “make sense, that are appropriate to your child’s age, and that are flexible enough to change as your child matures.”
• Be firm in making your children keep the rules that have been appropriately set.27
Have Your “Teaching Toolbox” Ready
As Dr. Anderson points out, the word “discipline,” which often has negative connotations, actually comes from the Greek word “to disciple.” Think in advance about how you’ll discipline, so that when the time comes you can reach into your figurative “toolbox.” Dr. Anderson’s preferred method of discipline for children is the time out, and she gives general guidelines for using it. Time out should be wherever the activity isn’t. She recommends using a movable object, like a small chair or pillow, so it can be moved or taken elsewhere, such as to Grandma’s house. At very young ages it should only be used for a few seconds. After time out, says Anderson, always give a hug and address the infraction by, for example, saying, “I love you, but you’re not allowed to hit.” You’re telling the child you love him, but his behavior was inappropriate. “Time out provides the child with a nice, quiet, safe place where she can re-group, calm herself, get herself under control and think about her actions.”28 Dr. Trumbull believes that a playpen time out is reasonable at the age of fifteen months, and that most children are ready for a chair time out starting at eighteen months to two years.
For parents who use spanking as a method of discipline, there are parameters Dr. Trumbull recommends. Use it when milder measures have failed; it shouldn’t be your first or only option. The typical ages for spanking are between two and six, because appealing to reason and consequences are less effective for smaller children. Spanking should always be a planned action; it should never be a reaction or made in anger. Spanking should never be harmful or cause bruising. To be specific, use an open hand to deliver one or two swats to the bottom. It should always occur in private, never in a public setting, in order to avoid humiliating the child. And it needs to be followed by a review of the offense, and the reassurance of the parents’ unconditional love for the child.
It’s important to note that the line between spanking and child abuse is hotly disputed these days. Legal challenges to parents spanking their children have been raised in several states, including New York, California, and Texas. In 2012, Delaware became the first state to ban parents from hitting their children, redefining child abuse as anything that causes “pain.” Parents should be aware that they run the risk of being labeled child abusers if children complain to school teachers or administrators that they’re spanked at home.
Here are some other age-appropriate disciplinary tools and tips, courtesy of Dr. Trumbull:
• By age three and a half, privilege removal is a
