among siblings, and generally keeps teenagers out of the usual teenagery troubles. Younger kids learn new vocabulary words (for good or bad) and proper table manners. Everyone is more apt to eat healthy, and therefore be healthy, and you’ll have a better idea what’s going on in the lives of your kids. To get the ball rolling, you can play the high/low game where each person names the best and worst part of their day: “We bought a new carton of ice cream! That carton is now empty.” It’s a great way to find out what drives and motivates your kids.
Perhaps you’re already familiar with Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. He identifies them as: physical touch, words of encouragement, quality time, gift giving, and works of service. Chapman asserts that the way a person expresses love through one of those five methods is how he or she also feels love in return. Discovering someone’s language makes it easier to show that person love. Mine must be acts of service, because I love my kids so much more when they do stuff for me.
This methodology also applies to children. Though, for my husband and me, it’s difficult (especially when they’re younger) to discern their love language unless it’s physical touch. I have one like this. She’ll often stop in front of me with her arms out and proclaim: “Hug Momma!” Then she’ll latch on to me and make it hard to walk. Putting forth the effort to understand your kids’ personalities is helpful for knowing what works and what doesn’t with each child. Our oldest wrote us a nice note listing reasons why she loved us, which was very, very long, of course. Among her reasons was not hugging her when she’s upset, or so she emphasized. Learning to accept the hands-off approach with her was difficult for us, but physical comfort only made things worse. (Later we found out writing this letter was her penance from confession, but we’ll take it.)
This child’s attitude, however, helped us learn another important lesson: not to make a mountain out of a molehill. When my kids hurt themselves, I’m kind of like, “meh.” Yes, I’ll tend to the wound, but I won’t make a bigger deal out of it than it warrants. When I was a school secretary, kids would sometimes come to me asking for a Band-Aid for some microscopic cut. When I couldn’t see anything, they’d squeeze until the tiniest drop of blood was visible. My favorite kids were the ones who came to the office with blood I could see from several feet away. I’d say, “Whoa, let me get you a Band-Aid,” but they’d be like, “Nah, I’m just gonna slap a paper towel across it and head back out.” Those kids were all from the same hardy family of goat owners. I loved them. The kids, not the goats. Maybe both. Baby goats are kids, so I guess both.
These children didn’t try to make a huge fuss in order to get attention. They dealt with the problem simply and moved on. They were tough, and that’s an attitude that will get them far in life. I recommend encouraging that in your kids, goat or human. For the whiners, ahem, I mean the more sensitive children, you can always point out that each passing moment gets the owie closer to being healed. You can also remind them that tomorrow they’ll feel so much better (or by bedtime, or in like one minute, depending).
Something else helpful to keep in your back pocket is the phrase, “Would you like to be the one to” when asking a child to do something for you. That way it sounds like the requested task is an honor and a privilege rather than a chore, especially when you use this phrase with fun stuff. Would you like to be the one who puts the bubbles in the bathtub? Licks the sour cream spoon? Butters the garlic toast? Straightens the shoes? Puts away the laundry? Takes the trash to the dumpster? See what I did there? Sometimes that phrase kicks off something enticing. Whenever they hear it, their ears may perk. And if their answer is no, change the question to: “Put the laundry away or change the baby’s stinky diaper? Those are your options.” That laundry will get put away. Pretty much anything you couple with a stinky diaper will be guaranteed to get done.
Diaper changing duty is a task no kid would mind sharing with someone else without us needing to ask. Sharing, in general, however, shouldn’t be forced. Even though “don’t forget to share” is a common parental phrase, we shouldn’t make our kids give up a toy or the swing for someone else all the time. Sharing is no doubt important, but only when the child does so from his own initiative. We can model sharing by doing so ourselves and then encouraging our kids to follow suit by pointing out how sharing brings others joy. For them you could say, “How nice of you to let the other boy play with your ball. See how happy you made him? Thank you for sharing.”
However, sharing isn’t always appropriate. What if your child wasn’t finished on the swing, for instance? Instead, offer him advanced notice that soon it will be someone else’s turn. “Five more minutes on the swing then let someone else have a go.” Another option is playing together. “How about you kick the ball back and forth to each other?” rather than making your child give up his toy entirely. Being nice is one thing, but we don’t want our children to feel like sharing is a punishment when they haven’t done anything wrong.
Good parenting encompasses all these techniques. But just know that when all is calm and quiet in your home, and you’re lulled into a false sense of security and “I’m a good parent”-ness, that’s precisely when you’ll find an entire roll of toilet paper unraveled into the toilet and a pile of poo sinking into the fibers of your bathroom rug. True story.
When you’re feeling a little down, like you may be failing your children because they’re not involved in fifty sports and you don’t have thirty-two play dates lined up for next week, just ask yourself this: Are they happy (not just because you scored them tickets to WrestleMania on Ice) and holy (you’re doing what you can there)? If yes, then you’re a good parent. Be at peace.
Chapter Three
Having Fun with Children … Even Your Own!
“Waste time with your children so they realize that love is always free.”
• Pope Francis •
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