conversation).
It is evident that the transformation of a friendship does not happen quickly. We should not expect to be swept away to a mountaintop to witness a great transfiguration. Instead, we should acknowledge and appreciate each ordinary moment. Our friendships will grow when we pause with the other person and reflect upon the times we allowed the Holy Spirit to push us at each moment during the journey. By growing more attentive to the Holy Spirit, we can better welcome the push in the future. Much like in the example of the festival, the friendship between Reverend Steve and Father Martin was transformed into the shalom of God (a friendship of virtue), which began in the shared desire of institutional peace (the friendships of usefulness and pleasure). They allowed the Holy Spirit to push them through the virtue they shared.
In our friendships, our initial goals (use and pleasure) can also become transformed by the Holy Spirit into a virtuous goal; this goal of virtuous friendship is fulfillment. In fulfillment, the two previous goals are still active, but only as byproducts of fulfillment. Neither of these goals is intrinsically immoral, but they are far from constituting a lasting or fulfilling friendship.
This somewhat abstract theology is easier to understand when we observe our own relationships. Think about a person with whom you share the sentiment “I love you.” My wife immediately comes to mind for me. Who is this person in your life? I start by reflecting on the relationship I had with my wife before we vocalized the love (charity) that we shared. We did simple things together, such as ride bikes to the lake, walk around farmers’ markets, drink coffee, and thrift-shop. Now we just sit in old, worn chairs, devoting our love to each other and sitting in perfect harmony. Just kidding! We still do all the same things that we did before. But something has changed. These activities have been transformed. We drink coffee and thrift-shop with a shared understanding of each other. We still seek out the goals of use and pleasure, but not as our ultimate end. Our end is fulfillment, or, according to Aquinas, charity; and the more we strive for the goal, the closer we become.
Our new goal is unlike the previous two because it cannot be achieved in its entirety. It is impossible to say, “Now, at this very moment, I have become virtuous.” While we are still citizens of this earth (unlike the type of fulfillment we will encounter when we are united in true charity with the Trinity in heaven), fulfillment is not like the destination of a journey, where friends can eventually arrive. Instead, we learn from the philosophy of Alasdair MacIntyre, renowned professor of philosophy at the University of Notre Dame, that “the good life for man is the life spent in seeking for the good life for man.”15 (Recall, “The journey is more than the destination.”) We become virtuous in this life by trying to be virtuous, and we are pushed farther when we allow ourselves to be pushed. We become virtuous in this life by trying to be virtuous, and we are pushed farther when we allow ourselves to be pushed. Similarly, we become charitable when we seek charity. Virtue begets virtue. On this virtuous journey, we learn that we must remain attentive to the movement of the Holy Spirit in each small moment in daily life. This is more effective than spending every minute dreaming about some abstract destination. So take the first step in this journey. Remember that trying to be virtuous is a sign of true virtue.
How #1: Plan and Execute a Road Trip with Friends.
Turn to page 148.
A brief word of caution: A common reaction after reading this chapter may be to discard the first two types of friendship and seek only friendships of virtue. I imagine that Aristotle and Aquinas would advise against this. They explain how each type of friendship has some varying degree of goodness. Recall how Aristotle chose to use the word “friend” for all three relationships. He knew that friendships of usefulness and pleasure are good up to a certain point. They can be useful for the progress or success of one or both parties. They even help us experience pleasure. But they are trumped by a friendship of virtue. Especially one that is guided by charity.
Friendships of virtue include elements of the other two friendships, but have a different goal. Virtue transforms the fruits of usefulness or pleasure. It leads to long-term fulfillment and participation in eternal love rather than short-term enjoyment.
The Sacrament of Virtuous Friendship
The journey of virtuous friendship starts with small steps. Let’s discuss a theology of these small, seemingly ordinary moments in light of some extraordinary moments. According to the Baltimore Catechism, a “sacrament” is traditionally defined as “an outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace.”16 At a minimum, the various Christian churches generally recognize two sacraments. At most, the Catholic Church and the Eastern Orthodox churches propose seven sacraments. Despite the number we believe to be correct, most Christians agree that God’s grace is not confined to these moments alone.17 We must ask, “What ordinary moments in our lives are sacramental?”
Loosely speaking, we could say any communal activity that is rooted in virtue and reflects the grace of God can be defined as “sacramental” (take note here of the lowercase “s”).
Catholic sacramental theologians scour the books of Scripture to identify the moments in which Jesus instituted each one of the seven Sacraments. During this search, they often overlook the smaller moments in the life of Jesus when the Holy Spirit bonded the friendships between the apostles. For instance, Jesus formed a group of virtuous friends who came to share in his mission. They walked, ate, drank, and talked with him. These same activities — walking, eating, drinking, and talking — are sacramental when they are transformed within virtuous friendships. These seemingly ordinary experiences are transformed just as our participation in the love of the Trinity transforms friendship. As virtuous friends we receive a number of new “sacraments”: the sacrament of friendship, the sacrament of table fellowship, and the sacrament of dialogue.
These sacraments also confer grace to anyone who is lucky enough to participate or be a witness. Think about the impact of this in light of the story of Reverend Steve and Father Martin. It emphasizes an important detail about how we understand friendship: The work between friends is no longer restricted to the secular world of usefulness or pleasure. It is central to the spiritual life! Jesus’ community of disciples is the ultimate example of sacramental friendship for all of us to follow. It is also a sacrament that we can share with Jesus, our friend.
Furthermore, the way we think about the sacrament of friendship is unlike the way we think about the other Sacraments. For instance, many Christians put the Sacraments on a pedestal. They emphasize their deep, seemingly unattainable, spiritual significance and forget about the simple physicality that is necessary for each one. We tend to focus on the saving power of Baptism rather than the water that is instrumental in bringing it about. We emphasize the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist and forget about the elements of bread and wine. In each example, we tend to forget that each sacrament requires a “visible sign,” some physical item, to accompany the “invisible grace.” It is important to ask ourselves, “What would happen if we looked at the Sacraments with a holistic approach, looking at both the ‘visible sign’ and the ‘invisible grace?’ ”
A sacramental view of life can help us break free from our restricted understanding of theology. Jesus teaches us, through the Sacraments, that spiritual realities are dependent, during our time on earth, on physical realities. Scripture reminds us that Baptism is dependent upon water. The Eucharist is dependent on bread and wine. Confirmation, Holy Orders, and Anointing of the Sick are dependent upon oil. The spiritual graces are dependent upon the physical symbols to act as vehicles of grace.
A restricted view of the Sacraments can be detrimental to the way we experience the world around us. It is hard to recognize the sacramentality of other experiences when we put the seven (or two) Sacraments on such a high spiritual plane. Many of us are convinced there is no reason to look elsewhere for God’s grace if we believe that the Sacraments contain the fullness of grace. “Why bother with these
