am sure. I am feeding his fish for him. See, I’ve got the key right here.” The old woman held up the key, swinging it back and forth on her bony index finger.
Overcome by a wave of nausea at the sight of it, my mother ran down the hallway and out the door. Just barely making it outside before losing her lunch. This can’t be happening! He wouldn’t do this to me! she thought to herself. Once she finished retching everything from her stomach, she retrieved a pen from her bag and wrote Liam a note letting him know that she had stopped by and to get a hold of her as soon as he returned.
She went back to her dorm. She was so tired. She lay down on her bed and fell asleep. She woke later that night. Her room was dark and quiet. Most of the students had left for the holiday. She was alone.
The next morning, she took a cab back to Liam’s apartment. The letter she had written was where she had left it. She didn’t bother knocking. She walked all the way back to campus. She spent the next three days in bed. She was sure she had the flu. After all, she had all the symptoms: exhaustion, nausea, and vomiting. She cried herself to sleep, and when she slept, she dreamt of Liam. When she woke, she cried herself to sleep again.
On the third day, she made herself get up and take a shower. She began vomiting again when she tried to brush her teeth. God what is wrong with me? She began to worry that this was more than the flu. She decided to go to the main building and check her final grades. What she found only added to her misery. She had not done well enough to bring up her GPA. She would be placed on academic probation. This would affect her scholarships. She went back to her dorm and spent the rest of the holiday in bed, getting up only to eat, drink, vomit, or relieve herself.
My mother’s roommate was the first to find her. “Oh my god! Mary, are you okay?”
My mother didn’t answer. She was too weak from dehydration. She closed her eyes and went back to sleep. Later, she would awaken in a hospital bed with an IV in her arm. She was too sad to care. Once again, she closed her eyes and went to sleep.
“Miss Foster…Miss Foster…” My mother was awakened by a woman in white. “You need to wake up and try to eat. We gave you something for the nausea, so you should be able to keep it down. Now wake up girl and feed that baby.”
“Baby! What are you talking about?”
“You’re pregnant, my dear! Didn’t you know?”
“No, I didn’t.”
And that was how my mother found out about me. She was both scared and excited. She couldn’t wait to tell Liam. He’d be happy, wouldn’t he?
My mother was released from the hospital the next morning. She was instructed to keep her stomach full to avoid the nausea. The nurses also made her a pregnancy survival bag, filled with packets of just-add-water chicken broth and saltine crackers. She went back to her dorm room and slept all day. She awoke later that night, got up, and took a cab to Liam’s.
She arrived at his apartment and knocked on his door for what would be the last time. This time the door opened. There he was, standing before her. She smiled, feeling brief relief that was soon replaced with an uneasy feeling, like being at a party you weren’t invited to. He did not smile back. “Come in.”
She entered his apartment. “What happened, Liam? I thought we were going to spend Thanksgiving together.”
“I never said that, Mary.”
She thought about it and realized that he had not said that. She had just assumed they would. “Oh, I guess you’re right. I just thought we, that you would want to spend more time together.”
“Mary, this can’t go on. You can’t keep coming here. I am your teacher, you are so young, I could lose my job over this.”
Her head began to spin with the realization that he wasn’t in love with her and that she meant nothing to him. Her nausea returned. “I am such a fool! I have given you everything. I thought you loved me! I thought you wanted me! Why? Why, Liam? Why have you done this to me?” she screamed.
“Stop yelling, Mary! Be a grown-up! I thought you were mature enough to handle this! After all, you pursued me!”
“I pursued you? Why did you wait for me to get off work? Why did we take those long drives? Why did you kiss me?”
“You’re an attractive girl. You’re smart. I enjoyed talking to you. I didn’t expect you to come to my office like you did that day. This is just a big misunderstanding, Mary.”
“I am pregnant, Liam.”
Liam was stunned. He looked as if he had been punched in the stomach. His face turned red, and he began to pace the floor.
“What do you mean you’re pregnant, Mary? You mean a smart girl like you is not on the pill? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you trying to trap me, Mary? How do you know you’re pregnant? Better yet, how do you know it’s mine?”
“It’s yours, Liam. You are the only one.”
“Well then, I will pay for the abortion.”
“No, Liam, I will not end this pregnancy.”
“Well, that’s just perfect, isn’t it, Mary? That’s just great!”
“I am sorry, Liam. I thought you wanted to be with me. I thought you would be happy. I’m sorry. I won’t bother you again.”
“I am sorry too, Mary. I thought you were mature enough to handle an adult relationship. I will do the responsible thing and pay for an abortion. Contact me when you have decided what you are going to do. Until then, I need you to stay away from here, stay away from me. I have worked very hard to get to where I am, and I don’t need you screwing that up for me.”
Liam handed her some cash, opened the door, and directed her out. He shut the door behind her. She dropped the money in the hall and walked away.
She decided she would continue to pursue her goals. She would conceal her pregnancy, and when the time came, she would find a suitable family for her baby.
But her pregnancy was grueling. Her grades continued to decline. The nausea and vomiting never let up. It became very hard for her to maintain her own health. She had no money or insurance for prenatal care. She did the best she could to take care of herself and read every book she could find on pregnancy and how to have a healthy baby. This may seem very irresponsible to some, but I was impressed by her strength, her resolve.
Professor O’Brien wouldn’t even look her way. She had no one to confide in. She often thought about calling her mother but knew that her family would never accept a baby conceived out of wedlock. She was on her own in every sense. She did what she could to separate herself from the life inside her, the little person that moved with such exuberance. But in her heart, she had already begun to love me. So when I was born to my mother on August 13, 1971, at 12:01 a.m. in the ER of the nearest hospital, she took one look at me and my fiery red hair and knew she could not part with me.
Mary Ann Foster walked out of that hospital with her daughter in her arms: me, Juliet O’Brien Foster, and never looked back. She left Berkeley.
* * * * *
The
