Wheeler’s circus fund-raiser, Cass was still in bed when Ethan came out of the bathroom. She yawned, wanting to go back to sleep. He hadn’t even gotten home from Boston until eleven, and he’d been keyed up, full of excitement about the exhibit, describing how he’d alternated photos so that inside the door of the gallery, the first photo to the left and to the right was of a person. Whichever way you went, Unending began and ended with people. The line of visitors had snaked all the way through the art of Asia, Oceana, and Africa, around the Rotunda, and down the stairs.
Now he was half purple and half green, with that red nose and without a smile. “I feel funny already,” he said, heading back into the bathroom.
When Cass was little, she’d never played “dress-up,” but she had played “desk” in her room, wearing glasses, swinging her legs, straightening the papers and pens, paying bills.
“You should come with me,” Ethan said, and sat next to her on the bed. “There’ll be lots of children to practice wanting.”
She looked at him, trying to figure out if he were joking. “I’m doing my part,” she said.
“I know you are. Just seems like a perfect opportunity. Like to not go is going out of your way.”
“I’m in bed. To go would be going out of my way.”
“Excellent point,” he said, leaning over and kissing her more than once. “Wish I was in there with you.”
“Come on,” she said, throwing back the covers.
“Wheeler will be here any minute,” he said, and pulled himself away.
“Hey,” she said, sitting up. “I need to tie the back.”
He came and sat back down on the bed. Even with the strings tied, there was a three-inch gap at his neck that showed his lime green t-shirt. “I made you a bow,” she said.
He rested his hand on her leg as he stood.
Then he picked up his wallet from the wooden bowl. “I wonder what a clown does with his money.” His cell phone beeped. “There’s Wheeler now.” Ethan collected the rest of his clown paraphernalia and said, “Okay, give this clown a proper send-off.” He pinched her bottom and honked his horn. “I’ll be back in time for supper unless I decide the clown life is the life for me—in which case, come visit me when the circus is in town.” He picked up his pillow and threw it at her.
Instead of accompanying him to the door, she slid back under the covers. He still hadn’t said he was going back, and like a kid afraid that if she didn’t believe she wouldn’t get any toys, she hadn’t asked.
She tried to imagine him in Afghanistan. There, he wore a beard. There, he dressed in those loose, flowing clothes. But it was all blurry. She could only see him here.
And she was doing her part. Right after they got married, she’d bought a journal and directed her thoughts toward children. She’d visited the zoo, stood next to them, spoke to them. In those early days, Ethan might point out how much fun a small family was having at the beach. See, he would say. And yes, she would reply, they did seem to be having fun. But she only saw it; she couldn’t feel it deep inside. Then she switched her focus to the mothers—watching and listening and talking to them. Finally she tried making it an intellectual undertaking and read everything she could get her hands on about the wonder and mystery of children.
She wanted to want them for Ethan.
But she just didn’t.
She’d thought about pretending—saying she wanted one and seeing what happened. Perhaps if she had mother clothes to put on …
These days, her goal was to not draw any conclusion, to not say out loud or in her head anything final, to remain open for the weeks that remained. But the closer it got to their anniversary, the more she found herself thinking about Ethan’s part of the bargain rather than her own. After all, as she’d said more than once to Vee, if he was never done with Afghanistan, she would never have to have a baby.
She picked up her phone.
“Is this the director of Howell House calling?” Vee said.
“Ha ha. How’s it going?”
“Ugh—stomach flu.”
“Oh dear, can I do anything?”
“Don’t mention hamburgers.”
“Hope you feel better.”
“We’ll celebrate when I do. Adios.”
Cass slid her computer to the bed. She had to get the GoFundMe account open. But she couldn’t come up with a name she thought would inspire donations. Maybe if she let go of what she wanted and looked at what she had.
Help Howell House.
It wasn’t poetry, but it was a way forward.
“Help Howell House,” she typed into the website and clicked and was live, everything else having been in place days ago. Then she clicked on the Donate Now button and contributed $100. Her plan was to get the word out to as many people as possible, and she would ask Ella to take charge of the campaign on social media. Next week, letters would go out. After that, an email blast. Building up to the serious stuff—the foundations and potential large donors. She could do this. She had to do this.
Around dusk, she and Ethan set out on foot for Sunday Supper at JCT. Kitchen. Not depending on a car for everyday living was something they agreed on. He hadn’t had one since before college; hers stayed mostly in the garage. It had been her high school graduation gift, and she’d always thought she’d trade it in for something smaller when she had extra money. But her parents had given her the Explorer. They’d seen her in it. She had seen them from it. It was a link, a connection. At the time each one had died, she’d hardly kept anything. Travel light her father had taught her.
Up ahead, the dirt-red pedestrian bridge extended in an arc over the railbed below. Its design echoed the crossing tracks underneath.
“You look nice,” Ethan said. “I’ve missed how you wear your clothes.”
She smiled. “How do I wear my clothes?”
“Like butter,” he said, leaning over and kissing her ear. “Like they’re irrelevant.”
She glanced down. A faded pink tee, a chiffon skirt, sandals.
On one of the tables across from the bar, a family was having a picnic. The baby was crying in the stroller, which the mother was pushing back and forth. Another kid sat in the dad’s lap. Still another was smashing potato chips. The dog hid under the table.
“The circus was fun,” Ethan said. “It’s been a while since I was with little kids for that long. I’d forgotten how the smallest things amaze them. They totally believed I was a clown. I was completely real to them.”
“Were you funny?”
“I believe I was, babe,” he said, taking her hand.
“How did you even know how to be funny?”
