Detailed instructions are necessary for the operation of such space-age toilets, but social gatherings are not the proper occasions for tutelage. Do your business and leave—touching nothing.
4. Never wear toilet slippers back into the living room in a Japanese home. And understand that people dwelling on tatami mats cannot be mollified by attempts at humor. ("Golly, here I go again. I can never remember to change these danged things. Ha, ha, ha.")
5. Do not ask for milk and sugar with your Japanese green tea. It's not done. And it tastes awful.
6. The words "I do not speak English very well" mean something different, in relative terms, than the words "I do not speak Japanese very well." Under- and overstatements are involved. Therefore, the words "I can't understand these people—they seem so nice but I still don't trust them" should be used with utmost discretion. They've been heard before.
7. Always leave the elevator first if you're a man. If you're a woman, leave last but out of politeness keep your finger on the "close" button as you're exiting until the very moment before your arm is ripped from your shoulder by the closing doors.
8. Always slurp soup. Never slurp sushi. Always eat curried rice with a spoon the size of those your grandmother used when mixing dough for pies. Never stop pouring beer for your drinking companions until the foam erupts and spills all over table and laps. Always feign surprise when this happens.
9. Immediately approach and speak to the Japanese man wearing a wristwatch that: a) fits, and b) is made anywhere but in Japan. He's lonely.
10. All stories involving the following colloquialisms should never be repeated in Japan. The subsequent explanations required will take more time than the story is worth, and subways stop running around midnight.
a) A horse of a different color.
b) A pig in a poke.
c) A snake in the grass.
d) Birds of a feather.
e) Raining cats and dogs.
f) The ease with which a camel goes through the eye of a needle.
g) Made a monkey out of me.
h) He's a complete ass (or a pain therein).
i) Donkey's years.
j) The eye of an eagle.
k) The heart of a lion.
1) The wisdom of an owl.
m) A wolf in sheep's clothing.
n) A bull in a china shop.
o) Crying wolf.
p) Spots on a leopard.
q) The memory of an elephant.
r) A laughing hyena.
s) The day of the jackal.
t) Goose.
u) Bullheaded.
ν) I was buffaloed.
w) Chickenshit.
x) Cock.
y) Going ape.
z) Brass monkey.
11. Never wear the hotel yukata to a traditional Japanese banquet at a hot-spring resort unless you are: a) a woman, b) wearing tennis shorts underneath, or c) a very small man with short legs. Those things go on for hours.
12. It is unbecoming for a blonde, 5' 7", blue-eyed woman to put hand to mouth and giggle. Don't even consider it.
13. Do not rage at taxi drivers who cannot understand your directions in English. After all, how many New York taxi drivers, or London taxi drivers for that matter, understand English? (Or any Australians?)
14. Do not pull your shirttail out, roll your pants to your knees, wear your suit jacket backwards, and tie your necktie around your head during your performance at a karaoke bar. It can only lead to trouble. Particularly if you're driving home. And most especially if your wife thinks you've been working late at the office. And without exception if you're with your Head Office boss. (But always if you're with the local staff.)
Another Dimension
IT HAD BEEN RAINING—a driving, splashing, windswept torrent of water—for twenty-four hours. Muddy rivers cascaded down the mountain roads, engulfing and threatening to submerge the abandoned automobiles scattered randomly in the newly-formed lakes and ponds of the countryside valleys.
It's the "tail of the typhoon," everyone said comfortably, as if knowing why the heavens had opened in such spectacular fashion was enough to banish concern.
Nevertheless, Max Danger, feeling for all the world as Noah must have felt, surveyed the situation with considerable concern. (He briefly reviewed his experiences of the last week to make certain he had not overlooked a dream or vision involving cubits and shipbuilding.)
Max and thirty-nine of his company stalwarts were bouncing along the mountainside roads of the Izu Peninsula. It was company travel (trouble) time. Perched on the" gaijin seat" in the front of the bus, Max watched the driver negotiate the hairpin curves. Great stretches of the road were under water, thereby blurring the nice little guidelines one considers when navigating in the mountains—ditches and edges of cliffs. In fact, swinging wide on curves created waves of water washing over the edges and onto the tops of tall pine trees growing many meters below. It was truly, and alarmingly, breathtaking.
The driver's head rocked back and forth in an attempt to keep his vision on track with the wipers sweeping across the windshield. Since the windshield was the size of a barn door, the driver nearly left his seat each time the wipers reached the end points in their cycle. Fortunately, he had the steering wheel to hang on to. He had taken off his Mickey Mouse gloves and was gripping the wheel with actual flesh.
The bus hostess had stopped prattling over the intercom at about the same time as the driver doffed his gloves. The relative silence was a blessing, but it also emphasized the drama inherent in the escapade. It did not alleviate Max's feelings of concern to watch her peering intently through the windshield and hear her whisper hidari (left) or migi (right) to the driver as he wheeled the vehicle around blind corners. She was also doing something unusual for bus hostesses. She was sweating.
Max saw the jumble of stalled automobiles at the same time the driver did. Luckily the wipers were in the middle of their cycle. Max's foot jammed imaginary brakes—the driver hit the real ones. The bus slewed sideways, its rear end clipping the boulders at the very edge of the cliff. Sliding and banging in this fashion, the bus entered the lake formed in a hollow in the roadway. It came to a stop against a red Honda submerged to its windows in water. Eight other automobiles were in the lake, and about a dozen people were standing under trees on the "upside" of the cliff watching the action.
(A question was raised in Max's mind regarding the situation, although
