I am not doing this lightly or with out thought. I plan to seek citezanship from the suepreme Soviet in the USSR. I have made my desision for political reasons and it is final.
Joe Bill began to flip through other pages in the journal. Each page he saw was a variation of the same theme, the same message, the same erratic spelling. On other pages was writing that Joe Bill recognized as Cyrillic, in the same hand—row after row of the same words, also in slight variations, which Joe Bill knew were conjugated verbs. So Lee had a secret language, too—Russian. There was a loose scrap in the journal that said: S. Bulgakhov, svt emb, Helsinki. On another page was row after tighter row of signatures: Alek Hidell, Alek J. Hidell, Alex Hidell, A. J. Hidell. On a page near the end he read: The actions of nations can be easally understood, but the actions of human beings are unfathamable.
It was one thing to talk about communism, even one thing to be a communist or a Marxist or whatever Lee was. It didn’t bother Joe Bill, at least not to the extent that it had bothered Colonel Wade. But for a man—especially a veteran—to defect to the Soviet Union, this was another thing altogether. For a man to have contact information at a Soviet embassy. And that little tiny camera, and sneaking around the boat, and who was Alek Hidell? And now the question was, what to do about it? He could go to the ship’s captain, explain the whole thing, how the notebooks were open and he had never meant to look at them, but now that he had, the captain had certain responsibilities. He could wait until the ship docked—surely it wouldn’t be but another few days—and go to the first US consulate he could find, tell them about Lee and his plans. Or he could go to Colonel Wade and see what he thought. He was still flipping through the pages of the journal when he heard Lee say, “I haven’t been reading your Bible, Joe Bill.”
He turned to find Lee standing right next to him, practically over his shoulder, and Joe Bill realized that at some point, without knowing it, he’d actually sat down in the desk chair to read the journals. Now he stood, too quickly, and the chair fell back against the floor. Lee was standing close, and Joe Bill tripped over the chair and bumped into Lee as he stumbled past. Lee calmly went to the desk, looked at the open journal for a moment before looking back to Joe Bill with just the barest hint of a smile. He did not speak.
“I’m sorry, Lee,” Joe Bill said, trying to get his legs beneath him for the fight he was sure was coming. “I came in and the thing was sitting there open, and I know you never leave them open, and I was going to close it when I saw . . .” He was silent then.
“What did you see?” Lee said, after several long seconds passed.
“I saw what you’d written there.”
Lee looked again at the open journal, the Cyrillic words. “You saw where I was practicing my Russian?”
“Yes,” Joe Bill said, slowly balling his fists.
“I didn’t get to go to college,” Lee said. “We couldn’t afford it. I joined the Marines. And pretty soon in the Marines, you realize that you’ve got to have something to keep your mind working, or you’ll go nuts. I studied Russian, taught myself how to speak it and read and write it. I taught myself. Pretty smart, huh?”
“It is, Lee,” Joe Bill said.
“Well, you caught me, huh? I study Russian. I guess that makes me a suspect now.”
“No,” Joe Bill said. “I think it’s very impressive.”
“Well, I’m glad for that, Joe Bill. I sure did want to impress you. That’s the most important thing in the world, isn’t it? For underlings to impress their betters. That’s what makes the world go ’round, right? That’s what keeps the machine turning. Be a good boy and I’ll throw you a bone.”
“Lee, I don’t think I’m your better.”
“You think you’re everyone’s better,” Lee said now, slapping the journal shut and moving toward Joe Bill, who took a few steps back. “You’re so young and so smart. A little too smart, aren’t you? Want to be a big man, but you’re always playing games. You think I don’t know about your game?” Lee was standing right in front of Joe Bill now, pointing at him, nearly poking him with his finger.
“What are you talking about?”
“The way you listen to everyone all the time. You think I don’t know you speak French? I can tell by the way your ears prick up when the officers are talking at dinner. And you’re not just getting a word or two here and there. You speak good French. I’ve watched you listening to the crew. They probably know, too. You’re not exactly subtle about it.”
Joe Bill could feel himself moving ever closer to the door of the cabin as Lee continued to advance. He wanted to disappear. Joe Bill had sneaked around like some sort of spy the entire time he’d been on board, and for no reason at all other than to make himself feel superior—like a mysterious, grownup man, with his school-taught French and his smarts and his damn cigarettes, which he wanted now very badly. They were in the pocket of the overcoat that he’d thrown carelessly over the top bunk, another thoughtless invasion of Lee’s privacy and space. And as he stood there and looked at it all, not just all he’d done that night but all he’d done the entire trip, although Joe Bill was not physically afraid of the smaller man, he wished he could take a beating for it, and he thought he knew how to make it happen.
“I also saw the other things,” he said. Lee stopped pointing and stood back from him, quiet for a moment.
“What other things?”
“The thing about renouncing your citizenship,” Joe Bill said. “The signatures. The little camera. All of it.” He relaxed himself completely to take the first blow. But it didn’t come.
Instead Lee turned and went to the bunks. He took Joe Bill’s overcoat from the top bunk and folded it neatly on Joe Bill’s bottom bunk. He then pulled himself up onto the top bunk and sat cross-legged facing the desk. “Sit down,” he said.
When Joe Bill didn’t move, Lee pointed to the overturned chair and said again, “Sit down.”
Joe Bill moved slowly toward the chair, picked it upright, and sat there. Lee sat very still and looked down at him from the top bunk.
“This is important, Joe Bill, so I want you to listen to me, okay? This is the most important thing you’re ever going to hear in your life.”
Joe Bill nodded.
“There is a very good chance that there’ll come a day, maybe soon, maybe not, but it’s coming, when you’re not going to want to have had anything to do with me. People may come and ask you about me, about how we spent this time together on the ship for France, and what do you remember about me, what kind of person was I? And they’ll hound you about this.”
Lee stopped talking for a moment and brought his hands in front of him and crossed them there. Joe Bill, looking up at Lee, began to feel the strangest moving sensation in his chest, and for a moment he couldn’t place its familiarity. But as Lee leaned in a little to speak again, as he took a deep breath, Joe Bill knew it was, of all things, the urge to cry.
“Now, this is the important part. You’re not going to be able to say you never knew me. But you’re definitely not going to want to tell them you read my journal or that you knew anything else about me. The camera, for example. You never saw the camera, understand? The thing to say is that I was strange, and quiet, and that when I did talk, I was spouting off about communism. Got it? Maybe you can even say I didn’t believe in
