a toilet bowl for four days in a row and my stomach was gnawing in agony that I agreed to be taken to the doctor in my pyjamas and duvet. After being prodded, poked, diagnosed and told I needed to start taking care of myself I began to take it slightly more seriously.
Up until that point, in some weird way I had been pleased that I had been throwing up constantly; it meant that I would lose some weight without trying. Although there was no denying the pain I was in, I was happy to ignore it if it would make me skinny. Having my housemate intervene and help me see that my health was at stake was another wake-up call.
Ultimately, getting the stomach ulcer forced me to stop partying with a different crowd each night and take stock of my health. For the first time I started looking at my diet and the way I was eating, and I made some lifestyle changes in an attempt to heal myself and cure my ulcer. I gave up alcohol, cocaine, cannabis, spicy, fatty foods and smoking for six months. (Actually I don’t think I totally gave up smoking completely, but I definitely cut down.)
I took herbs and tinctures. I read up on and ate a low GI and low GL diet.5 I learned about being more alkaline, reducing inflammation, and food combining. I started to go to yoga classes and to eat well. I was determined to get better. I gave my system the break it needed and through eating mindfully I cured my ulcer. My interest and pursuit of good health was short lived; I was 20 and convinced that I would always bounce back. I did it to be able to party again, not because I loved myself.
1. I have often wondered, what if I had gone to Bali in 1998 instead of 2011? Would I have discovered my purpose then? Did I need the lessons that CSSD, TV land and My Girl Friday taught me? I like to think so. I like to think that my trials, tribulations, tests and triumphs are what make me who I am now, and enable me to empathise in real world terms with other misfit entrepreneurs.
2. PIES – see explanation and exercise in the workbook section, Step 1: from Numbness to Awareness.
3. I talk about imposter syndrome in the workbook section, Step 3: Judgment and Acceptance
4. I answered yes to all these questions and felt I needed help: http://www.oagb.org.uk/do-i-have-a-problem-with-food/. I went in secret at first, but eventually shared with my housemates where I was going when I needed to go to meetings.
5. Patrick Holford and Fiona McDonald’s The Holdford Low GL Diet Cookbook and Low GI Cookbook by Louise Blair were especially helpful.
DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL
In this book I am sharing my ‘warts and all’ – things which at the outset I really didn’t think would end up being important to share and which I certainly didn’t feel had a place in a ‘business’ book have now made it to the fore and centre. As I talked with my clients and peers about what I might include it became clear to me that I ‘need’ to share it all with you. Don’t misinterpret that as meaning it’s easy for me to do so, doing so scares me immensely. But, my focus and intention in writing this book has always been to encourage connection and trust via truth, honesty and vulnerability.
Emails like this from clients enabled me to take the risk and feel good about doing so:
‘[I have been] thinking about something that you asked me when we first spoke. You asked me about why I got in touch with you and what made me feel like I could work with you.
Looking back now, I understand that at least part of the answer to that question is the fact that you are clearly an able and passionate coach, but importantly for me you also talk in a really frank and ‘un-coach-like’ manner. It goes back to that article1 that said you don’t necessarily share a traditional coach’s vocabulary. I realise that your style of coaching is one that really works for me. The bold and rebellious edge means I don’t feel like I’m getting talked at by a corporate suit.
Another part of the answer to that question is precisely the fact that you are courageous yourself, and express your own vulnerabilities and things that concern you, and that you are working on and developing. And I realise that’s important for me, too, because it gives me a sense that you can fully understand and relate, and are coming from a place of knowledge and experience.
So... I wanted to let you know that your openness and vulnerability, and the way in which you uniquely communicate that, is a large part of why I dig what you do.’
Graeme Blackwell
Here’s the thing – It took me 20 years to learn some of these lessons, and my hope for you is that you don’t spend as long repeating the same things over and over. If someone had shared his or her story as frankly with me, maybe I would have wised up sooner. Maybe hearing someone I liked, knew and trusted tell me their story would have enabled me to reflect on my own and maybe it would have normalised some of what I was going through for me.
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