I'll tell you this, when he gets out he's going to be bigger than Wolfgang Puck. He's working on a book, The Minimum Security Prison Diet Book of Recipes. I eat here three times a week, and I've lost forty pounds in the last eleven years. So it works. We got more than 1,200 prisoners here and you can't please 'em all. We got people here who are disappointed that he makes 'shit on a shingle' with meat. Geraldo was interested in that. Anyway, he makes 'Nachos Haldemann' and 'Enchiladas Erlichman' from the old state dinner parties, and they are out of this world. Really stick to your ribs. As a matter of fact, they stick to your ribs for three or four days.
"We got a kosher kitchen here too, 'strictly' as those people put it. Vegetarian food too. See that guy out there pulling up bean sprouts and eating them? Wouldn't harm a cow, but I think he killed his grandmother last year for changing channels on his TV. .. just kidding.
"There is one line we don't cross here-no booze. Cocktail hour here means a twist of lemon in your Diet Pepsi, or neutral spirits on the rocks, no salt, please."
"What are neutral spirits? "
"Water ... and that's tough for some, I guess. Even if you can't drink, you miss just ordering it. I wouldn't know, I've never had to do without it.
"You know we have a lot of brilliant assholes in here, all convicted felons. They're in prison! And yet you never hear about any trouble here at Allenwood, do you? I could dog and grind 'em ... break 'em, you know. But I don't. The secret of keeping peace and order in this place is psychology.
"What do you mean by 'psychology'?
Like, I put a golf pro in the same cell with a coal miner, a faggot in with a bounty hunter ... team a preacher up with a pornographer, and let 'em learn from each other. As I say, I use psychology!"
And does it work?"
"I know it does. I'd like to put Jeffrey Dahmer in the same cell with Michael Milken. Then secretly tape what they have to say to each other. And have it transcribed. Who wouldn't want to read that?"
"Wouldn't that violate their basic constitutional right to privacy?"
"Oh my !! Let's see, let me check my copy of the Constitution . . . hmm ... Bill of Rights . .. hmm, First Amendment. .. uh huh, Fifth Amendment ... Eighth Amendment ... OK! Good, that's it!! It's constitutional! The Founding Fathers would definitely want to hear this. They'd just love it. There's no doubt the Founding Fathers would want to hear what Benedict Arnold said to Aaron Burr when he changed sides after the Battle of Bunker Hill. It's definitely constitutional!"
It occurred to Morley Safer that perhaps the prison system was not the only story here. Warden Coots was! As it so often had in his travels, the Demon of the Unexpected had struck again.
After a short break, Safer resumed the interview just to the west of the putting green.
"Warden Bubba, with so many millionaires and billion-aires as well as very powerful and influential people here, it's hard to believe that they don't get special treatment. What should the public know about that ?"
"Mr. Morley, let me just tell you a story. I was eating in the convicts' cafeteria one day, you know, to show that the food wasn't poisonous. I started to gag. I got numb. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I blacked out. I was choking to death in front of 600 convicts and I was unable to make a sound to let anyone know. Everything sounded like I was in an echo chamber. I was dying, no doubt about that. They tell me I was turning kind of blue when Big Boy Dorkin noticed I was in trouble. Well Dorkin is two-hundred-and-sixty pounds of dangerous and hostile muscles, and he put a Heimlich maneuver on me that hurled a piece of meatloaf across the room that knocked a guard unconscious. He also broke three of my ribs-but fuck, I'm alive! And I owe my life to that big slob. Big Boy is in here for stealing food stamps. Hasn't got a dime to his name, but I make sure he's treated just as good as any millionaire in this joint. On the other hand, Ivan Boesky, who was sitting across the table from me, just sat there like it was a fucking corporate takeover and watched me change colors. Didn't lift a fucking finger to help me. I made sure his last few months here were real memorable, I can assure you. So you see, I treat everyone the same-rich or poor, especially if they have saved my life."
"Just how do you make things especially memorable for someone here, Warden Coots?"
"Well, first off, no TV! Ever see the look on the face of a Rhodes scholar-millionaire-embezzler when you tell him his TV privileges are revoked? They lay in their cells and whimper like sick dogs. I'm talking about guys with 132 IQs. They miss three episodes of Days of Our Lives, and you never have any more trouble with them ever again.
"A while back, I had an attitude problem with 'The Honorable' Julius K. Felder- remember him? The mayor of Youngstown, Ohio. Ran a sports book from his office in City Hall. I had him pulling weeds in the yard all day on Super Bowl Sunday XXVI. Wouldn't let him watch the game. Monday Night Football was sort of a religious experience for him, so he claimed that not being allowed to watch the Super Bowl constituted 'cruel and unusual punishment.' He claimed that by missing the game, he had suffered not only mental and physical anguish, but a permanent psychological scar. Have you ever heard such bullshit? It's on appeal now, and probably will go all the way to the Supreme Court. I don't think I'll have any more problems with him though. I put him in the same cell with G. Gordon Liddy for six months.
"Also, little lessons in humility work real good too. See that guy busing the tables over there? Well, he was a big spender, a real party animal. You know, flew to Paris on the fucking Concorde, went to the Cannes Film Festival, winters in Monaco. You know, all that fancy bullshit. Threw himself a birthday party at the Waldorf Astoria for 400 of his best friends. Cost him $80,000 just for the flowers. Well, you know where that dickhead got his money? From the 'Magic Wish Foundation.' That outfit that gives kids with terminal illnesses their last wish, you know, make it come true. He was on the cover of People magazine. He just got beat out by Mother Theresa as Humanitarian of the Year in 1987. Raised millions. Guess how much he spent on the kids? Not one fucking dime! And then he prances in here on his first day like a goddam peacock-Gucci loafers, Rolex watch, Armani suit, and he looks around as if he's displeased with the accommodations. Well, within 10 minutes he was on his hands and knees scrubbing floors in the crapper. And he'll be there until he gives a pint of blood to the Red Cross every two weeks for the next year. After that he'll sort X -rays at the Children's Free Clinic in town until there's a cure for cancer."
"Make the punishment fit the crime, is that it, Warden?" Safer said. "Sounds like a story Andy Rooney could really sink his teeth into. But let's move on. Many people feel that most of the inmates are in here for the least of their crimes, and that smart lawyers always plea bargain them out of the real jams."
Coots was amused. "Well, let me just say that a good portion of our prison population is made up of 'smart' lawyers."
Morley Safer smiled, "That doesn't surprise me one bit. Clear up something else for me, Warden - sex! There have been rumors that during visiting hours there's a lot of it going on here at Allenwood behind your back. Is there any truth to that?"
"Well, let me ask you how you would handle it. I got 1,200 testosterone-burdened felons in here, and some of them are so horny they glow in the dark. So some of those rumors may be true. I let a few of them have a little Sunday picnic in the bushes now and then. If they've earned it. We got 4,000 acres here, and you can't watch everyone all the time. Besides, a little pussy from time to time never hurt anyone. It's better than having them humping each other during the week isn't it? Also, it's a perk that they don't want to lose, so it helps to make everyone easier to deal with the rest of the time. I think it might be an idea whose time has come, don't you?"
"I
