a thesaurus is a prehistoric animal."
* * *
IN-COUNTRY travel in Vietnam is always problematical. Most areas outside metropolitan Saigon are accessible only by air or armed convoy, and space by either means is always at a premium. Generally speaking, it's the resourceful guy who makes out.
A newly arrived free-lance correspondent was trying to figure out a way to get to Phu Vinh in the Mekong Delta, and had asked the advice of a wisened old staff sergeant, then on his third voluntary Vietnam tour.
"Well now," drawled the NCO thoughtfully, "I don't rightly know what's the best way to get to Phu Vinh, seeing as how I ain't never been there afore. Howsomever, if I was goin' down there I'd be lookin' for the safest way. I'd go on out to the PX storage area on Plantation Road and bum me a ride down on a beer truck. Them guys may get careless with the chow and the ammo, but they ain't never gonna let no thin' happen to that beer."
* * *
FOR centuries traditional Vietnamese dress has called for the wearing of a non, a cone-shaped hat similar to those worn by Chinese coolies and usually made of straw, reeds, or bamboo. It is light and certainly utilitarian, protecting the wearer's face from the hot tropical sun.
But like all porous materials, the non grows heavy when wet and the monsoons only add to the problem.
Folks in Vietnam today still wear the non and the hats are still made from the same substances, but the problem of water-logging seems to have been solved nicely−with the help of American-made Saran Wrap.
* * *
WHILE Lieutenant Colonel Roy Thompson was head of the Saigon bureau of Pacific Stars & Stripes, he had a running feud going with a certain Marine colonel in I Corps who had barred Stripes reporters from his area and denied them the use of all press facilities under his control.
Colonel Thompson placed an 8" x 10" photograph of the belligerent colonel on the wall of his Saigon office with the legend: "Know Your Enemy!"
* * *
THEY say there's one born every minute and USARV (United States Army Vietnam) American Red Cross Field Director Jerry Preston and his assistant, Ron Colizzo, fit nicely into that category.
On a business trip to Saigon from their headquarters at Long Binh, they spotted an animal in a cage which resembled a miniature jaguar and, upon inquiry, were told it was an ocelot. Further discussion disclosed that ocelots make excellent pets but take a bit of getting used to by owner and animal alike. By this time both men had become fascinated with the prospect of owning the ocelot and negotiations began in earnest. Finally the owner reluctantly agreed to sell his pet for 900 piasters, but only because he "needed the money to feed his large family." He dutifully warmed Jerry and Ron not to handle the animal for a few days until he got used to them, and then to do so only with great caution. They agreed, and hurried back to Long Binh with their new charge, convinced they had scored a major buying coup.
That afternoon a young trooper happened by, looked at the ocelot with curiosity, then opened the cage and began gently to stroke the animal's fur.
"Better not do that, soldier," warned Jerry, "He hasn't been tamed yet and he might turn vicious without warning."
"Oh," said the GI, extracting his hand and carefully closing the cage. Just as he was staring at the splotches of yellow and black paint smeared on the palm of his hand, the "ocelot" went "meow."
* * *
THE participant, place, and even the service will have to go unnamed in this story.
It seems there was an eternal water shortage at a certain command post installation in the field, and many of the troops had gone without showers for some time. After doing a few favors for one of the NCOs there, we were invited to his hootch for a welcome shower.
"How come you have water?" we asked.
"I only run out of water when the general does," he answered. "You might say," he added with a wink, "that we're on the same party line."
* * *
AVETERAN first sergeant, serving with an aviation unit in the Mekong Delta, claims that the only difference between his outfit and the Boy Scouts is that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision!
* * *
THERE are some truly amazing contrasts in Vietnam, and one of our favorites is the contradiction of dress and tools employed by two groups of people on and around an open expanse of land outside Saigon.
Ringed by gun towers and bunkers manned by well-armed security troops is the Tan Son Nhut golf course.
* * *
WEBSTER defines "ambush" as "a trap in which concealed persons lie in wait to attack by surprise."
This definition has been bent somewhat by a few commanders in Vietnam. The word bears the stigma of disastrous defeats of the French and ARVN (Army of the Republic of Vietnam) by Viet Minh and Viet Cong respectively, and the mere sight or sound of the word can put some officers into orbit.
In late 1965, there was an action in the Iron Triangle, in which a company of U.S. infantrymen was decimated. As they marched down a trail, the Viet Cong detonated two 750-pound bombs as mines, one at the head of the column and one at its rear. Hidden VC then poured devastating automatic weapons fire from the sides of the trail. The unit reacted aggressively and admirably, breaking the ambush, and a sister company helped trap the enemy force, and wiped it out. Nevertheless, there was no mention of "ambush" in the unit's operational report. It was labeled an "engagement."
Unfortunately, no one told the public information officer, who released a story quoting one of the company's wounded as saying, "When the VC triggered the ambush..."
Several days later, the brigade exec locked the heels of the PIO.
"Goddamn it, that was an engagement, not an ambush," he screamed. "Do you know what an ambush is?"
"Well, I know what Webster calls it, sir," the PIO replied.
"Goddamn it, if the general says it's an engagement, it's an engagement, no matter what Webster says."
After a 40-minute tirade, the PIO sighed with relief as the XO stormed out of the tent. A passer-by, who just happened to be the brigade's chief operations sergeant, looked sympathetically in.
"What was that all about?" he asked.
"Oh, the old man didn't like a release we made on some action Sunday in the Triangle."
"You mean when Bravo Company got ambushed?"
* * *
LEATHERNECKS also have their anxious moments when it comes to the proper selection of a word or phrase destined to appear in a news release, especially if the subject matter deals with hostile action involving unorthodox tactics. "Ambush" is considered a delicate word, and one not to be bandied about without a good deal of thought.
One night a Marine patrol
