this room and two doors on the right.’
‘Thank you.’ I push myself up and out of the beanbag and lunge for the door. I am using every muscle in my stomach and chest and face to keep it in. My vision is tunnelled as I focus on door handles and my feet and the pool sparkles beside me and then I’m closing doors and fumbling locks and I turn and sit on the closed toilet and my head is in my hands. It bursts out. Sobs and tears and snot rise up through my throat and nose and eyes. I’m stunned there’s so much in there. I’m like a shaken can of lemonade just opened.
Finally, after I don’t know how long, and with stinging eyes and burning cheeks, it’s all out and I’m empty. I blow my nose, splash water on my face, look at my red eyes in the mirror, try to out-stare myself.
‘Stop it. You’re hidden. You don’t do this. You don’t throw that shit up at me. You don’t remind me or tell me or tease me. I’m not listening. I’m not interested.’
No answer. Good.
I throw another handful of water over my eyes, look at New Me and nod my head.
‘Sorted.’
And this weekend I’m going to get wasted, get stoned, do anything and everything I have to do to get my new self on the road to reckless completion.
I dry my face on a soft, laundered towel that smells of lavender, unlock the door and step out onto the poolside, where Charles is waiting for me with a lit cigarette in one hand and an unlit held out to me in the other.
‘Are you alright?’ he asks. ‘Please.’ He holds the cigarette closer to me.
‘Thank you.’ I take it and he lights it with a solid gold Zippo. ‘I’m fine, thanks.’
‘Fitri told me you didn’t look well and she’s worried she made you unhappy.’
‘It’s OK. It wasn’t her fault.’ I feel his eyes watch every movement of my face. ‘You know, memories jump out at you sometimes.’
‘Yes. I know.’ He drags on his cigarette and the examiner’s eyes soften as he looks down into the light blue of the pool.
‘This is a very nice house,’ I say, not knowing what else to say.
‘Thank you.’ His eyes focus on me again. ‘If you don’t want to keep teaching today, it is no problem. I understand.’
‘No. I can teach. This isn’t a very good first impression. I’m sorry.’ I draw heavily on the cigarette. I read the banner around the filter: Davidoff.
‘Don’t be sorry. Life likes to surprise us at the most inopportune of times.’
‘You have nice children.’ Nice, what a crap word.
‘Thank you. They are a little hard work at times. I worry about them, living here, in a house that looks more like a prison.’
‘Why do you have such security?’
Charles smiles and nods.
‘I am a businessman who sometimes does business that creates enemies. Since the riots I don’t take risks anymore. I don’t trust people.’ He drops his cigarette and kicks it into the pool. I don’t think I will bring my swimming gear next time.
‘Riots?’ I feel I should know what he’s talking about.
‘You don’t know? You English, you are only interested in your royal family and the weather.’ He puts a hand on my elbow and starts leading me back along the pool. ‘It was 1998. Just two years ago. Economic and race riots. It was a very bad time for us Chinese living here. I will not put my family at risk again of these fucking people.’
‘What people?’
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