Anger
Once a family member has moved beyond the denial stage of grief, he or she often becomes angry. The person who took the child for diagnosis or the professional who diagnosed the child may be the one towards whom they direct their anger. Others direct their anger toward the child, a spouse or ex-spouse, parent, other family members, a supreme being, or even another child for being healthy and typical. This anger may flare at sensitive times, such as in meetings with the child’s educators or therapists. It is okay to feel angry at this stage, but avoid misdirecting your anger at those who are trying to help you and your loved ones. Grieving family members may quickly alienate friends, family, sources of assistance, and others. Direct your anger into something constructive that can help your loved ones. Develop a strong support network. Direct the energy of your anger into advocating for your family member who has autism.
During the anger stage of grieving you or family members may feel:
frustrated or jealous;
anxious or frantic;
irritable or raging;
embarrassed or ashamed.
Signs of being in the angry stage of grieving may include:
Asking “Why me?” “Why my child?” “Why my family?”;
Thinking or saying “It’s not fair.” “We are good people.” “This shouldn’t be happening to us.” “We don’t deserve this.”;
Questioning one’s faith or religious/spiritual beliefs regarding a supreme being;
Self-blame: “This is all my fault. I should not have consumed _____ when I was pregnant.”;
Blaming others: “It’s her fault, she didn’t talk to him enough.”;
Avoiding taking your loved one with autism out in public anymore;
Frantically trying to obtain every “cure” and therapy available and being upset if there is a slight delay in starting the treatment.
Different family members have different perspectives on the child’s diagnosis, causes, treatments, and potential outcomes. Family members may be strained and exhausted. They might feel as if they have been left out, their opinions ignored, their needs neglected. Or they may feel disrespected. This is a time when minor disagreements can quickly evolve into major battles. Recognize when someone is experiencing anger as part of grieving and consider using the supports listed.
Supports to consider using when you recognize you or an extended family member is experiencing anger as part of grieving include:
listening without interrupting. Let them vent. Let them talk about whatever is on their mind.
recognizing that what is meant as a kind word often infuriates people who are in this stage of grief.
acting the way you naturally act.
being patient with the person’s mood changes. It’s normal for someone who is grieving to move through a variety of emotional extremes.
showing genuine concern and affection. Give a hug or put your arm around the person’s shoulder, if appropriate. If the person is not interested or is irritated that you offered, don’t take it personally. Understand that such reactions happen during grieving.
saying “I’m sorry”; “Tell me how I can help”; “I want to be there for you”; “Would you like a hug?”; “Know that I am here to listen whenever you are ready.”
using creative outlets such as journaling, writing poems, taking photos, or blogging.
having compassion for family members, the child who has autism, and yourself.
When you recognize you or a family member are in the anger stage of grief:
Don’t avoid the person or isolate yourself. That extended family member (even if it is you) needs love and support at this time.
Don’t pry into personal details.
Don’t ask questions or offer theories about the causes of the child’s autism. Don’t start talking about how Uncle Bob never talked until he was eight years old.
Don’t say, “I know how you feel.”
Don’t say clichés or offer advice or quick solutions.
Don’t try to cheer up the person or distract the person from what he or she is feeling.
Don’t minimize the problem. Don’t say, “It’s not that bad” or “You’ll be okay.”
Don’t tell the person how to feel or to stop feeling angry.
Do say, “I love you” (if you are close enough).
Do ask “Tell me how I can help?”
Do say “Tell (the child who has autism and other family members) hi from me,” or “Give (the child who has autism and other family members) a big hug for me and tell him I love him.”
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