among others, “sitting and reading” (3), “sitting inactive in a public place” (1.5), “lying down to rest in the afternoon when circumstances permit” (3).
Night was seeping in. The sandy day gathered itself in traces, windswept. In the sleep study the real night would arrive, then certain sleep. First, in the ebbing and flowing twilight that holds night from day, there was preparation. The technician asked if I could wait for him to set up someone else’s sensor electrodes before mine.
Alone and unable to focus on my book, I eavesdropped. The technician pontificated about women: Men, he said, either fall asleep or they don’t. There’s no trying to fall asleep for a man, he said. If a man can’t fall asleep within ten minutes of lying down, he’ll get out of bed and leave the bedroom to be productive elsewhere.
Women, on the other hand, lie in bed worrying, he continued. They worry about what they’ll wear the next day and what they’ll pack for their kids’ lunches.
I worried. And while I worried and waited for the technician to glue on my electrodes, I peered from the bed toward where a painting should be if this were a temporary bedroom (i.e., a hotel room). In place of art, a camera. It was no less beautiful than a hotel-room painting, but neither was it more beautiful. In the footage I’d spend 29 percent of the night on my back and 71 percent on my side, all of it in the green of nausea, all of it bulging in surveillance wide-angle.
I appreciated the window in the room, which added some verisimilitude to the experience. Maybe it would be better to rule out possible diagnoses, to confirm that all we could know about my sleepiness was that it was unknowable. Outside, past the concrete courtyard the window framed, there was a world going on. I texted two friends about going to dinner the next night, after the test—my grand return. I’d wear my new black dress. And, for those few hours, I’d ignore the new trouble rising: that a grand return to routine after not quite leaving the routine isn’t grand, and it isn’t really a return.
But this was too much, this thinking about people that led to thinking about what those people might be doing without me and if I was missing something by being here, the center of attention. If I didn’t stop, I wouldn’t be in tip-top shape for sleeping and would fuck up the whole test. So I turned off my phone, tugged at the blinds’ two pull-strings individually until the slats fell parallel to the floor, and took in the scenery of the room: The vinyl chairs, the sagging bed, the noisy pillows—those were also problems. They did not fit into the notion of normalcy. This inside world was proving just as troubling as the outside, and I wondered, before the study even began, how well I’d do at performing something habitual in a new but familiar setting, one uncannily like the other sleep labs in shape and intent but, not yet at least, in results. Can one make a diagnosis based on data gathered from a performance? Summoned by the technician, I got up and followed him into the Electrode Room.
The Electrode Room was cold, and the technician wore latex gloves. Outside stood a sign: “Quiet. Sleep test in progress.” Inside, I got my costume: wires likes marionette strings from the chest and legs, china marker scratched at precise points on my head, a bright red X on each temple. A tube hung from my ears and looped under my nose. By way of small talk, the technician mentioned that he’d just been in Chicago for his aunt’s funeral and, boy, there are just too many traffic lights there. A compressor chugged air against my scalp, solidifying the glue in bursts, the soundscape like a conversation between people who’ve just met.
In bed and ready for the night, I felt my body against layers of blankets and wires—so much opportunity to become tangled. During my last two sleep studies, electrodes often detached during the night. They must be glued well enough to stay put but not so well as to make them permanent.
I waited beneath the minimal buzzing in the room, now ready for sleep.
Can you hear me? came the sleep technician’s voice from somewhere near the camera, beginning the pre-study sensor calibration.
I could hear him, though he couldn’t hear me until he entered and fiddled with something in the Electrode Room.
Can you hear me?
Close your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Look left. Look right.
Without moving your head, look up. Look down.
Blink five times. (I could hear my eyelids creak like hinges.)
Clench your jaw.
Hum.
Flex your feet.
Breathe in. Hold it. Breathe out. Ok, goodnight.
I fell asleep in four minutes. I dreamed I was in a plywood-lined elevator that got stuck oscillating between the twenty-third and twenty-seventh floors until I pulled the stop lever and went plummeting, down, down into an echoey atrium where the elevator car careened into glass walls and sent me, hands outstretched, through open doors into open water. There I swam, electrified by the wires in my hands and the water, naked with an old high school friend, gazed upon by other high school friends, less mortified than I should have been, less mortified than I was when I woke up, ten and a half hours later, to a blinds-drawn sunlight and voice through the intercom: Ma’am, are you awake?
Stay where you are, I’ll be right in, the voice said. Five minutes later, a woman knocked as she was opening the door and asked how I slept—better than normal? I don’t recall her face but I do remember it was vastly older than the face on the ID around her neck: A football pin obscured the word “hospitals,” and below smiled a young woman with bangs. Did she spend all her mornings greeting people? Did she tuck them in at night too?
I told her I slept ok, not as well as normal, that yes, I’d had dreams, that no, I don’t think I woke during the night. She said I’d be taking my first nap in two hours, and until then I could do whatever I wanted besides have caffeine or medication. I wanted both, but to prove I needed stimulants to stay awake, I first had to go without. Thus, two weeks before the study and its wires, I’d stopped taking all my medication. The doctor warned me at least three times that there would be a drug test and if I failed, the whole thing would be for naught. At first I abstained from weed too but it was grad school summer break and the cicadas were loud and what else to do besides sit outside with friends, stoned? Finally I stopped, because smoking made me so excruciatingly tired that the only force that could carry me to bed was the frantic worry of not making it home before sleep hit. I often ran that last block to my house; I knew how small the window of time was before I’d be unable to move through air that thickened like setting cement.
I dazzled myself with tiredness on the second day off stimulants but denied the dazzling, saw no sparkle in the way mornings could induce sleep as much as afternoons. At my summer job in a sandwich shop, I drank as much water as possible so I could go to the fluorescent-drenched bathroom and sit down and rest. There, I’d verify being awake by verifying the terror, the levels of dread of not being asleep. I’d muster the energy to stand back up by finding a sliver of belief that the sleep study would be worth it, that numbers could be replicated even if context couldn’t. Still, I was dubious of the data even before they were tallied.
Five days off stimulants, I walked to the grocery store a mile from my house. Do you need to know how I sweated?—beaded over in pixels of sweat like an enlarged comic-book character, some superhero of repose. Each step felt laced to the sidewalk, and each next step seemed not just out of reach but unimaginable. This is how walking became unfathomable. This is how I realized the stroll to the store was a mistake in both practice and intent.
I considered calling for help. I could call a friend and ask
