pick on a heterosexual older man. We also talked about pedophilia. The two older men who abused him were pedophiles and not homosexuals. He did not know this. I showed him a wonderful Newsweek article written by movie producer Tyler Perry. In the piece Perry revealed that he also had been molested as a youth. He wrote the column to a young boy involved in the Penn State scandal to tell him that he wasn’t a victim—he was a survivor.2
To help Paul dissipate his considerable feelings of anger, I asked him to write a letter to the last man who sexually abused him. The following is some of what he wrote:
“I still remember and despise what you did to me after all these years. I remember the way that you lured me away from my friends. I still see the images in my head. It’s too painful for me to write down what you did to me. It sickens me. I still feel you, hear you and see you in my mind. You started something in my life that I thought was good and it wasn’t. What you did to me years ago is so disgusting and terrible, it still haunts me today. The actions performed by you on me and me on you make me sick. It has left me with years and years of memories that will never leave my mind. Now in this day and age of full media exposure, it seems to get worse.
“I can never, ever forget. The visual thoughts are haunting. I guess I cannot blame it all on you, because I am told that I may have been searching for something. But still, you were older than me. I despise what happened to me and think your actions were deplorable. I hate every thought of it. I hate every action that was done. Do I hate you?—no, I don’t—But I hate the sins of our past. Years ago, I was filled with rage, anger and fear, and sometimes I still am. Trust me, the memories will never stop. The emotional roller coaster never slows down or has an end. I share this with no one. It is my hell. The side effects never stop. It cost me plenty of tears, fear and anxiety, as well as feeling useless and hopeless. It’s a journey without an end.”
Paul was locked into his routine because it helped him feel more secure. It was difficult to get him to try something new and take a risk which he thought was dangerous. I asked him to try an exercise which I call “follow your nose.” I asked him to take a four-hour block of time, perhaps on the weekend when he was free, and do whatever he wanted. It sounds easy but can be hard for anxious people like Paul. He struggled with this concept. However, one day, he finally tried taking a walk in a different part of his favorite park. He actually enjoyed it.
Paul showed gradual improvement. It was difficult to quantify but there was a change. He looked more relaxed. He wasn’t pulling on his hair and rubbing his face as much and his nightmares and flashbacks were far less frequent. He seemed happier and talked more in therapy. He started to have more realistic expectations of himself and others, while focusing on his positive attributes. He tried to allow himself to be less perfect and less “scrupulous.” Although he was fearful, worried and hesitant, he tried new things and widened his “safe zone.” Before our sessions, he was afraid to go anywhere new, but he eventually visited his son in New England and took a trip to California with his wife to visit her children.
Before, his trips away from home were limited mostly to a theme park. He called this “my ultimate safe zone—a place to relax and have fun. I don’t have any scary dreams when I am there. I just feel free. I joke around and laugh with the kids.” I suggested to him that perhaps this was the one place that he allowed himself to lighten up, be juvenile and compensate for his lost childhood. I tried to get across to him that he could give himself permission to relax and enjoy life like he did in the theme park in other situations as well. At first, he complained that doing more would be out of his comfort zone and bring him into the unknown, which he found scary. However, he then came up with the phrase “experiment with life” and seemed more comfortable and less threatened by this way of describing his dilemma. He agreed that he would try to experiment more and his wife later said that he was doing so.
Medication helped Paul. He was most recently on an antidepressant. Perspective has helped. Education has helped. Exercising and a religious connection have helped. In an effort to have him share his story of abuse with someone other than myself, I asked him to speak with his priest and see what response he got. He agreed to do this. I hoped that the priest would further reduce Paul’s feelings of guilt, anxiety and shame.
Paul’s vignette illustrates some of the pain anxious people experience. It also highlights various treatment modalities. Next, we’ll look at steps to take and stories of several other special yet representative people as they share the anxiety in their lives with you. I will suggest possible solutions that they and I have used to relieve their anxiety, help them refocus, relax and enjoy life.
Stop the world and the anxiety process for a moment. Give yourself time to recoup. Slow down and gain perspective. There is no danger. You don’t have to race so fast. Perhaps you are putting yourself under time pressure. Give yourself permission to relax. Don’t let the symptoms of anxiety control you. You can take charge of them.
People who are anxious move too fast physically and mentally. They always seem to be busy. Some experience physical symptoms such as heart palpitations and shortness of breath. Sometimes they are not even aware that they are feeling anxious and just feel pressured, tense and irritable. They may act restless and fidget if sitting too long. Often they feel compelled to do things like they were a wound-up clock. Overly perfectionist, they have a determination to get it right and have an exaggerated sense of what they and you “should be doing” and the specific way that tasks “should be done.” They have to do them all on their own, in their own way, and often do not like how others complete a task, yet they complain that they have to do everything themselves. They often have a strong need to please others and therefore have trouble saying no. This puts them under further time pressure and increases their tension. They have difficulty unwinding and relaxing when they should be relaxing. Their to-do list grows longer and longer. By the end of the day they are tired, wiped out and unable to sleep. These behaviors make them more prone to burnout. Judy, one of my clients, has these problems.
Judy’s Story
“My anxiety is my best friend. I guess my anxiety has been with me so long I became inexplicably comfortable with it. I was described as a ‘hyper’ child (although I did well in school), who never wanted to sleep. I think I must have thought that if I relaxed I would lose my energy level. My mother was the same way. She would clean, clean, clean and work, work, work. At one point, I was working full time, dating and going to graduate school. I had so many people I didn’t want to disappoint. I was under stress and the anxiety returned big time. My coworkers described me as a ‘hyper nut.’ (In a good way!) I think that my anxiety worked for me. I could pull all-nighters and study and then go to work the next day. The anxiety or the ‘hyper personality’ became part of me. I lived with it, accepting that ‘this is me.’ I seemed to thrive on pressure but hated it at the same time. Although I did very well, I couldn’t calm down when I wanted to. There were ebbs and flows; some years were worse than others. I am my mother’s daughter.”
Judy bounded into the office and onto a chair. She was forty-three years old. She carried a large red purse that caused her to be somewhat off balance. She talked with her whole body and threw herself into different positions like a rag doll. Judy complained of anxiety, palpitations, sweating, tension headaches, shortness of breath and feeling hot or cold. “Everything is overkill with me. I’m over the top,” she said. Indeed, she did not seem to relax for a
