But ultimately, with the focus on trauma damage and recovery from it, running eventually becomes possible.
Old: Parents are sufficiently capable to parent this child.
New: Even capable parents require additional training that addresses the child’s early trauma.
Parents can be perfectly capable of successfully parenting birth children and meeting adoptive or foster agencies’ parenting requirements. They can have advanced academic credentials. But raising a traumatized child necessitates additional training and skills. This fact does not diminish the qualifications of the parent, but instead it underscores the reality that parenting a traumatized child is so very different from ordinary parenting.
When a child with early trauma enters into a family system, the system changes. This system will absorb and react to the child’s N-IWM. The natural reaction is to begin a Downward Spiral. The Trauma Lens Paradigm Shift offers techniques and interventions that will reverse the spiral and promote healing. These techniques will feel counterintuitive and may be viewed negatively by others. Parents using the old, familiar parenting model would “consequence” a child for a tantrum. The new model explains why the child needs “time in” with the parent rather than being sent for a time out. Being with a sad or scared child—instead of fixing the behavior—requires training and practice in co-experiencing the child’s emotions and co-regulating them with the child.
Corey’s Family
In most cases it is neither easy nor inexpensive to return a child to “the system” after adoption. Rebecca and Danny were willing to try something new to preserve Corey’s placement even when it seemed hopeless. With time and trauma-specific treatment they were able to grieve their lost parenting expectations and accept the new paradigm. They recognized that their parenting failures stemmed from their old parenting methods. The shift did not require so much additional effort as it did adapted strategies. At first they were incredulous at the idea that they did not need to change Corey, just themselves. They were being asked to embark on a parenting effort seemingly more complicated and time-consuming than the crisp behavior modification principles they used so successfully with their birth children.
Rebecca and Danny were annoyed and taken off guard when Corey told them he should not have consequences for making decisions from his “baby part.” But they recovered and with sadness informed him that he needed to learn to recognize how much that hurt part was costing him. “Don’t worry—you’re getting this. I can remember when you didn’t even believe you had a baby part!” they assured. Success is energizing.
Old: My child’s problems are a reflection of my parenting skills.
New: My child’s problems are a reflection of his/her early trauma.
We cannot be ashamed or afraid of our children’s problematic behaviors while at the same time expecting them to acknowledge ownership and endure the fear of recovery. When we say, “No child of mine behaves like this,” we disown the child. Other common damaging statements include: “I cannot handle these behaviors,” meaning “Your behaviors are too big for me.” “I cannot stand it when you behave this way” means, “I cannot stand you.” By learning to see the child’s behaviors as a reflection of his early trauma, we preserve our self-image. We free ourselves to be sad with the child and for the child instead of fearful for ourselves. By increasing our ability to feel the child’s sadness and fear ourselves, we are able to assist him in experiencing his own emotional world. Our reduction of defensiveness makes forming alliances easier, as we no longer frame the problem as one of our defective parenting skills.
Families need to instill in the child a feeling of having been “claimed” by them and “belonging” to and with them, in order for healing to proceed. Statements like “No one in our family does that” or “You cannot behave like that because Granddad is the mayor” send the message that the child will never be a member of our family. The new paradigm allows for the recognition that this family and these parents are working to help the child heal from the early trauma. It transforms and properly elevates the parenting effort as heroic in joining with the child to overcome problems caused by someone else.
Sally’s Family
Jane’s new in-home staff was quick to reframe Sally’s behaviors through the trauma lens. They identified Sally’s attempts to deflect emotional closeness, disrupt adult communications and relationships and recreate the chaos from her past. Jane was reluctant to allow the staff to talk to the school, because of the protective services report with its inferences of her being too harsh with Sally. She had noticed the looks between teachers and heard from them in muted form the same derogatory remarks inflicted by her sister. Nevertheless, she decided to give the staff a chance to meet with the school personnel along with herself. She was surprised at how credible the information sounded coming from knowledgeable professionals. One teacher even admitted that a family member was showing similar behaviors and asked for resources. Buoyed by this experience, Jane scheduled the in-home staff for a meeting with her parents and sister in order to explain to them how early trauma damages a child, the impact on the new family and how to help. The support system thus created allowed Jane to begin to effectively parent a child hurt by someone else.
Old: All the child needs is love.
New: Love is expressed differently to children with early trauma.
Unconditional love is a requirement for healing. Expressing that love to a child of early trauma becomes highly complicated. Parents must understand that the actions that typically express unconditional love actually become fear-inducing due to the child’s N-IWM. Early traumatic experiences predispose the child to assuming that parents are untrustworthy and dangerous. Once that “knowledge” is pre-verbally acquired, the child will experience any parental interaction with suspicion and fear. Parents must understand this, label the child’s behavior as emanating from the early trauma and become able to predict resulting behaviors. That is, we must be able to read the child’s internal state before we can successfully demonstrate unconditional love, assist in recovery and accurately express our emotions to the child.
Otherwise, parents can only offer conditional love and are unable to help their child navigate fear, sadness and anger. Before recovery, most children cannot achieve “average” levels of emotional intensity or regulation. Parents are handicapped in expressing their own full range of emotions due to the constant background of the child’s projected fear. Before the child can accept our love, she must know why it’s so scary to do so. Children absolutely need love. The traumatized child needs to learn how to experience love before she can receive love and interpret the experience. The early trauma damage leaves children without the ability to receive the very thing they need.
Amy’s Family
It was clear to both James and Lori that “just loving Amy more” was not working. They began a new in-home service that was to help Amy learn to love them. Amy stated that she did not feel loved by her parents: “They are just trying to please Child Protective Services. They don’t like me, ’cause I’m too bad.” James loudly protested, “If anyone else treated my wife the way Amy did, I would have kicked them to the curb long ago!” As treatment progressed, the family learned why Amy constantly feared good things. Lori was taught to help her daughter notice the fear in her body and see how it affected her behavior. Amy enjoyed the activities with her mom and was able to voice when she had “too much good.” James and Lori learned to reduce the number of gifts to special occasions and infrequent surprises. They expressed sorrow and reframed destruction of property as Amy saying that she had “too much.”
Amy was scared of her parents’ deeper understanding, but her fear slowly decreased, as
