asked me to write down my thoughts about revisionism. I’ll recite a few lines:
‘The forget-me-not thinks far ahead.
It thinks of the past to look into the future.
Retirement is not the same as degradation,
It doesn’t change one’s piety.
Emotional in battle,
Your pursuits keep you busy far into the night.
Strive to avoid being wasteful in your work,
Be creative but avoid empty talk.
Do all you can to convey a true sense of responsibility,
Sincerely explain how to be successors in the cause.’
The cadre barked out, ‘No more poems, if you have anything to say, say it quickly.’
F had been happily reciting, I looked at him in confusion. He shook his head and stood up to go, as if humiliated. I could feel things weren’t going well, so I pushed him back onto the chair.
‘I brought you some biscuits, you can have one when you feel hungry. I also brought you a bag of glucose, a jar of apple purée, and two packets of chocolate. Is there anything else you would like? Oh, I intended to bring you that set of Marx and Engels’ Complete Works in Japanese, but I was afraid I might get lost, so I left it at home. I’ll bring it next time. I also brought a tai-chi chart. I hope you can learn how to do tai-chi from it. You must look after your health, and exercise properly.’
‘I will, I can do that in the cell. Next time bring some books, food’s not important.’
‘I’ve heard it’s not easy to buy good books.’
‘Have you finished?’ urged the cadre.
‘Tell the children I wish them happiness. If my son Xiaogu returns, don’t let him come here.’
He was led away. At the door, he turned round and shook my hand, with a smile.
The smile consoled me. It was like the smiles he used to give me.
Holding back my tears, I left. When I reached the entrance, the sentry stopped me. Secretary Shi came rushing over and we stood by the gate until the pock-marked duty officer arrived to sign my visitor’s form. Then the guard let me out.
I had set out at six and arrived at ten. Now, it was eleven. I waited for the bus and squeezed aboard. At Shahe, I changed again. It was gone three when I arrived home. I was exhausted and sank onto the bed.
Was there anyone I could share my agony with? Anyone to listen to me cry my heart out? No. Gradually, I drifted into a lethargic sleep, but I jolted awake at the thought that my youngest son would soon be back. I jumped off the bed, pulled myself together, and went into the kitchen.
Ten years. Finally I’d seen him and knew he was alive. After years of numbness, I was unable to calm down. Now I was waiting for my son, so I could share my feelings.
The first thing he asked was ‘Did you see father?’
‘What do you mean, father?’
He corrected himself: ‘You saw him, you saw dad!’
‘Yes, I saw him. He looked well. We talked for an hour or two.
‘He recites poems to himself. He recited some to me, but I can’t remember them. The one about me was called ‘‘In Praise of Long-Lasting Love’’. He composed one about your sister, ‘‘In Praise of Goodness’’. The one about older brother was called ‘‘In Praise of Sincerity’’.’
‘He chose good names.’
‘Yours was ‘‘In Praise of Dreams’’.’
‘Why did he call it that? Do I daydream? Do I like dreaming? I don’t think so.’
‘I think he meant you’ve always been as if in a dream. You weren’t even eight. You didn’t know anything. I do remember some lines:
‘Your heart is as pure as your eyes are bright,
So naïve and innocent.
As soon as you finish supper
You open the door and off you go;
When the police arrived
We pretended they were guests.
‘That was when they came to arrest us. We couldn’t tell you, we just urged you to sleep. When they took us away in the middle of the night, we kissed you and wished you sweet dreams.’
I couldn’t continue.
One day, Old Tian suddenly turned up. I hadn’t seen him in ten years. When I opened the door, I gasped. None of our old friends had visited me for years, mostly because it was difficult to communicate, or they had lost their freedom. I also felt it was unwise for them to seek trouble. But here he was, calm and self-possessed, not caring what might happen. He told me he was going to see a friend who lived nearby, to learn some English. He knew I lived here, so he had dropped by.
He wanted to know about Hu. I told him what had happened. I added:
‘He’s incorrigible, do you know he’s composing poems in his cell? Some are about his family, others about his friends. He chose a beautiful name for them, ‘‘Songs in Memory of Spring’’. He recited some, but I can’t remember them.’
‘You have to keep up your morale. Then you’ll never be defeated.’
We told each other our news of the last few years, and about our friends. I felt as if he had opened a window and a small breeze had blown in from another world. I’d been too out of touch. I knew this or that literary figure had climbed the ladder, fallen into disgrace, or played up to those in power, but I also knew a single wrong word, however true, could lead to the break-up of a family. All these perils left me terror-stricken.
He hadn’t been implicated in our case, but he was still wearing three denunciatory ‘hats’ put on even earlier. Now his entire family of eight people was living on 100 yuan a month.
I was moved most by the case of Old Nie and his wife. In 1955, Hu Feng and his friends were branded a ‘counter-revolutionary clique’. I had assumed it wouldn’t affect the Nies. Ever since the start of the campaign to criticise him, F had avoided discussing literary issues with Old Nie, for fear that he might say something wrong, so he hadn’t let him know about F’s 300,000-word memo about the situation in literary and art circles. At the time, Old Nie wasn’t interested in such subjects, he was only interested in classical literature. But somehow or another he had got dragged into it, and was even expelled from the Party. Afterwards, he stopped going to work and just read books at home. I suppose you could say he shut himself up to ponder his mistakes.
In 1957, Chairman Mao summoned help for his campaign to rectify the Party. Big Sister Ying was studying at the Socialist College. When she heard the news, she was excited. Inspired by her love for the Party and the country, she resolved
