health, influence, productivity and growth, but in our ocular society we virtually ignore this crucial skill – which is why there’s a need for this book.
So, what is the power of listening?
LISTENING CREATES UNDERSTANDING
In 2014, I gave a TEDx talk in Athens (the cradle of democracy) and also at London’s Houses of Parliament entitled ‘The Sound of Democracy’. I started the talk by walking on stage and saying one word: “Listen!”. Silence fell in those 2 impressive theatres full of hundreds of people. After a while I said: “That is the wonderful sound of several hundred people consciously listening. It’s also The Sound of Democracy, because democracy depends on civilised disagreement – and that is only possible if we understand other people’s points of view, even if we disagree with them. Conscious listening always creates understanding.”
This is a crucial point, and one that is increasingly threatened in the world we are creating. Post-truth politics, fake news, selective web browsing that only confirms our preconceptions, attack journalism that constantly interrupts or mingles opinion with fact, sound bites, personal broadcasting on social media platforms, 140-character diplomacy… these are all undermining the quality of our listening and eroding our ability to coexist in peace even when we disagree. Not listening makes it possible to caricature, depersonalise and demonise people, and that is a long, dark, slippery slope that leads to horrors that we see all too often in totalitarian societies.
I passionately believe that listening is necessary for peace, and for civil society to exist. That alone is a good enough reason to teach listening in our schools, and to defend it as a crucial bastion of the free world. Politicians always meet for talks: I suspect it might be better if they met for listens instead.
After all, what use is free speech is nobody is listening?
LISTENING PROMOTES INTIMACY
Truly listening to someone requires all of your attention. Ask yourself now, when is the last time you truly listened to someone? This is a rare and most generous gift and one that, in our intense, connected, multimedia existence, we are becoming unwilling or even unable to give. What, stop checking my email, Twitter, Facebook and go offline? You may be familiar with FOMO – fear of missing out – which tempts us to live a multi-stream, always-on existence, checking email whilst lying in bed and not talking to our partner, or having conversations with one eye on a screen and the other on a phone. In that twilight world of semi-attention, listening is a tattered vestige of its full self.
Even before technology intervened, true listening was the exception, not the rule. I believe that there are literally billions of people on this planet who have never known what it is to be truly listened to, so scarce is that experience.
Intimacy requires honesty and deep knowledge of another, which can only come through listening. I have heard it said that we seek 3 things in a relationship: to be heard, to be understood, and to be valued. It’s tragic then that one of the most common complaints in relationships is: “He / she never listens to me!”, because not listening eroded all 3 of those needs.
Listening is an act of love, and like all acts of love it requires some work or it can succumb to atrophy.
In this book you’ll be learning some structures and exercises to help revitalise your listening in relationships, rebuilding and renewing intimacy.
LISTENING PERSUADES AND INSPIRES
When I started my first business in magazine publishing, our original advertising salesperson, John, was the polar opposite of the stereotyped loud, brash sales executive. He was so quiet that you could never hear his side of the phone conversation. He never stood on his chair, or did a countdown at the start of the day, or slapped himself in the face before a call. He had a gentle, quiet and polite nature; when he listened, you really felt heard. Despite the lack of fizz and buzz going down the phone line, people just seemed to love buying from him; his sales figures were amazing. He went on to launch a division, buy it out from us, and sell it for a large sum – all, I am sure, at well-modulated volume levels and with very attentive listening.
Ask any top-class salesperson what the most important part of a sales call is and they will almost certainly say: “Listening!”. We all know how irritating it is to have someone sell without listening. We feel disrespected because our needs are not being discovered or met. Listening is how a good seller can identify the problem, and tailor a solution to match it exactly; a call like that can come across as caring, helpful and kind, to the point where we feel grateful after buying whatever it is. That is a recipe for long-term repeat business.
As any parent knows, the need for persuasion is not restricted to selling. Whether the issue is a tantrum-throwing toddler or a recalcitrant teenager experimenting with booze or drugs, listening can be a transformative first step in persuading a child towards more productive behaviours. If we want our children to listen, we need to show them how, by listening to them.
Listening is the oil in the engine of inspiration. We can inspire people only when we know what they want – which means listening.
LISTENING IMPROVES HEALTH
We’ve seen how dramatically sound can affect our health and wellbeing. Developing a practice of consciously listening to the world around us is the only way to discern which sounds are health-giving, and which will make us sick. If we are conscious, we are in a position to take action, whether that’s moving our location or blocking the noise. Some of the exercises later in this book will help you to develop exactly these skills.
LISTENING EDUCATES
It’s said that the Greek philosopher and mathematician Pythagoras erected a screen in front of the teacher so that first-year students were not distracted by visual input and could listen properly to what they were being taught. Gradually over the years, the tables have been turned, and the written word has replaced aural teaching at the top of the table, to the point where we now speak of ‘book learning’.
Conscious listening is a wonderful tool for learning and for growth. As you’ll discover, we listen through a set of filters. Once you gain mastery of that process and control of your filters, you too can empty yourself of what you know (or perhaps what you think you know) and make room for plenty of fresh lessons!
The power of speaking
The human voice is the instrument we all play, but very few people have ever had any training in how to use it effectively. This is a complex, versatile and powerful skill and it is extraordinary that we don’t teach or test it in schools.
To paraphrase the old song, it is what you say and the way that you say it. Your voice is your breath projected into the world; it’s the only part of you that you can send forth outside of your own body
SPEAKING AND INSPIRATION
I live in Orkney, a set of islands off the north coast of Scotland that are liberally scattered with antiquities from prehistory. Possibly the most famous is Ring of Brodgar, a stone circle dating back to around 3,000 BC. Each of the 60 huge stones that originally formed the ring (27 are still standing) had to be dragged miles to the site before being erected, which must have taken incredible organisation and determination, not to mention teamwork, for these Neolithic people. Even with modern equipment this would be a major operation. These people had no power other than their own muscles; they worked of their own volition, unlike the slave labourers who built the pyramids. They must have been very highly motivated.
I often wonder who had the idea to create this seminal structure, which some scientists believe inspired all the stone circles in the UK, culminating
