and Don’ts
1) DO—question your religious beliefs. If we are made in God’s image, then God is pretty curious. Questions are not sacrilegious. They are at the heart of a loving, informed, and mature faith.
2) DON’T—make your child go to a place of worship if there is an anti-LGBTQ message or condemnation of LGBTQ people there.
3) DO—think about finding an affirming place of worship. You can visit gaychurch.org or similar sites to help find LGBTQ-positive places of worship throughout the world.
4) DO—realize that your child being LGBTQ is natural, and they can no more help it or change than they can change the shape of their hands or the color of their eyes.
In Their Own Words
Josephine, parent, Montana
My son came out to me at age fourteen while being a little sneaky and getting busted.
It was a summer morning, and he had been at his friend’s house for two days. He texted me, “Can I sleep over one more night?” This was a new friend, and I hadn’t met the parents yet, and even though my son had been trustworthy in choosing great friends thus far, I wanted him to come home and check in. Plus, I wasn’t sure this other family was that cool with suddenly adopting a new child. So I replied, “No, two days is enough in a row, you have been at your dad’s for a week, it’s my birthday, and I want to see your face.” A few minutes later, I get a text from his dad: “Do you know this new friend? I saw some texts between them, and I think I saw them calling each other bb.” “Hm. Will ask,” I replied. Welcome to modern co-parenting.
When my son came home, I didn’t delay. “Do you have a crush on this boy?” I peered at him jovially. “Yes,” he replied, beaming. “We are dating.” As a queer parent, I felt an amazing new sense of kinship with my child, and I knew this was a special, unforgettable memory being formed. His admission was adorable, but he was also BUSTED. He knew I would probably say no to sleepovers if there was any kissing involved. I wasn’t sure at first how to respond. Would getting grounded scar him if it was part of his coming out story? My head was whirling with parental duties and raw emotion. I decided to go with supporting him first. Squealing like I just saw 400 cute puppies, I said, “OMG THAT’S SOOOO cuuuuute!!” My son rolled his eyes, which also glinted with joy. Then I said, “Were you even planning to come out to me?” And he said, “Well, I thought it would be really funny to get in an actual closet and then jump out and scare you and say “I’M GAY!!” That is my son. Classic him. We laughed.
Next, we talked about the other boy. I asked if his parents knew he was gay, and I told my son that was pretty sneaky sleeping over for a couple days. I assured him that they could still spend time together, but there were going to have to be some boundaries. Concerned the other boy might come from a conservative family, I was nervous for him, but I wanted to talk to the other parents, or at least the other boy, if I could. I asked my son if he could ask his boyfriend to talk to his parents so that we could work out curfews and rules. I added, “Don’t pressure him. If he doesn’t want to come out, we’ll figure out what to do.” My son started texting away.
The other boy told his parents immediately, and my son gave me the mother’s phone number.
When he gave me her name, I realized that I did know the parents. I was even friends with the mom on Facebook. I relaxed a little and called her. I was still nervous, because we live in a small college town, where even well-meaning liberal people don’t quite understand the life of LGBTQ. I braced myself for weirdness.
But it wasn’t weird. She and I were both tickled by their attempt to be sneaky. We agreed a summer curfew of midnight was comfortable for each of us. And then she told me that even though she is married to a man, she is bisexual herself! I was the one who’d made assumptions based on appearances! So I came out to her as well. Even better, she has an older daughter. She offered parenting guidance about teen romance, and I resonated with her style. For her, these teen years are about modeling healthy relationships and setting boundaries, and otherwise allowing them to make choices on their way to becoming adults. My relief turned to gratitude, and happiness as I realized our kids are in a whole different world than the one I knew when I was 12, when I first started to realize I was not straight.
I checked with my son’s dad. He was all right with the curfew plan, but asked a common question that hetero adults ask about LGBTQ youth, “Do you think it’s just a phase?” I replied, “It doesn’t matter if it is a phase, we still need to treat him like his identity is real.” He agreed. He has always been accepting of my sexuality, but to see him commit to treating our son supportively was nothing short of beautiful.
Since then, the kids have been pretty good with the curfew. Their big thing is to make crazy flavors of homemade ice cream at his house, or wander around the neighborhood, or hang out with friends in our tiny downtown, getting slices of pizza or sitting by the river. The other boy has popped into my house for glasses of water, and we have awkwardly begun to get to know each other. My son says many of his friends are queer, or genderqueer, or some form of LGBTQ. I have talked to my own queer friends, some of whom are in their 20s, and even they say how lucky my son is compared to as recently as seven years ago. For now, he is in a nurturing environment in which to explore his sexuality with healthy boundaries, adult guidance, and peer support. Amazing.
Sadly, I know an ugly reality does exist. We are in a rural state. Hate is real. We are not always safe. There is a fine line between being careful while still not closeted. I have experienced discrimination at work, socially, and around our city. I have crossed streets with transgender friends while giant pickup trucks rev their engines like they want to mow us down. I have been scared to hold my partner’s hand when we don’t fit the expected gender combo and have held hands anyway. I have seen friends be discriminated against in stores because they weren’t as straight-passing as I am.
But I am glad for now that instead of contending with that ugly world, my son is experiencing puppy love, like all the straight kids get to do. I hope all the support helps him become strong in his identity, so that when the world pushes back, he is ready.
Resources
Gay & Lesbian History for Kids: The Century Long Struggle for LGBT Rights, with 21 Activities by Jerome Pohlen
The Right Side of History: 100 Years of LGBTQ Activism by Adrian Brooks and Jonathan Katz
For The Bible Tells Me So—a documentary that walks viewers through the historical context of many Biblical passages.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSXJzybEeJM—a scene from the TV series The West Wing explaining all the ways we don’t follow Leviticus
Kidnapped for Christ Filmmaker Kate Logan, an evangelical Christian, set out to make a heartwarming film about Escuela Caribe, a Christian reform school in the Dominican Republic. She thought she would find troubled teens dealing with “their issues” through prayer, song, group therapy, etc. Instead, she encountered an infestation of mental, physical, and possibly even sexual abuse.
