church basement. I've been in more church basements than shitty green paint. I've eaten many lifetimes' worth of tuna casserole and Frito pie at potlucks in these basements. But I'll be damned if that isn't where most 12-Step meetings are.
The meetings being my only option, I had to suck it up and go. My way had damn near killed me. I needed other ideas, outside help, and the only people who would do it for free were a bunch of people who had been in my same situation.
I struggled with each aspect of the program. For a long time, I just practiced Step 1 over and over. That's the step where you decide to not drink or use anymore, because it's fucking up your life. My first meeting, I wasn't sure that I was powerless over alcohol, but I knew without a doubt that my life was unmanageable, like it says in Step 1. Still, I struggled, keeping my own pace.
The last place I wanted to be was in a church basement. I've been in more church basements than shitty green paint.
It took me longer to get through the steps than anyone else I've met who hasn't relapsed. I stayed on a step for months or years if necessary. I didn't even say the full Serenity Prayer for the first three years I was in, because it had the word God at the beginning of it. It was like there were two of me, one dragging the other one through the program.
But I've come full circle, and I want to share my thoughts and experiences with other people who are suspicious of 12 Steppers and their coffee-chugging meetings. It's okay to think they all look a little desperate and weird, chain-smoking like that outside the back door of a church building at 6 P.M. on a Friday night. It's okay to wonder if these people really mean it when they say you can call them “anytime” when you just met them a minute ago. It's okay to be cynical, skeptical, and a little freaked out by the whole situation. That's what this book is about, really. It's encouragement to give something that looks ridiculous a shot at saving your life.
What It's Not
This is not a book that will solve your problems. You will have to do that yourself. Whether your problems were caused by forces outside your control or were self-inflicted, you're the only one who has the ability to overcome your own struggles. This book will encourage you to find the proper help for your problems.
This is not a book against 12-Step programs. Think of 12 Step as a set of tools, and you have to build a house. You're building that house on your own, and you'll have to live in it when you're done. The advice I give will help you learn how to use those tools to build the house that best suits you.
This is not a book that will lead to you buying DVDs, going to seminars, or taking workshops. I've seen a lot of other people with a This-Is-The-Answer book that is nothing more than a text version of an infomercial for what they're really selling. I'm trying to encourage you to seek help from an established community near you, one that won't charge you a dime for their services.
This is not a book that will ask you to believe in any spiritual dogmatic system, any religion, or subscribe to any established philosophical trope. I'm not mishmashing Eastern religions; I'm not rehashing self-help gurus from years past; and I'm not slamming a view of life, the universe, and everything down your throat. I'm also not telling you that whatever religion or philosophy you have is the wrong one. I do want to clear out some of the clutter in your mind so you're free to think about who you really are and get a clear picture of what you believe.
This is not a book that will ask you to believe in any spiritual dogmatic system, any religion, or subscribe to any established philosophical trope.
I want you to read this book with an open mind. If you're anything like me, you're looking for the first thing you disagree with that you will use to discount the entire book. I'm not perfect, consistent, or absolute. I'm a hardheaded addict with a few ideas that you could use for yourself. I'm not trying to save you. I want you to save yourself.
Chapter 1
12 Step for the Rest of Us
I'm not sure why you're reading this book right now. Maybe someone who loves you and is concerned for you gave you this book. Maybe you picked it up because you're worried about yourself. Maybe you're already searching through 12-Step communities but feel like your needs aren't being addressed. Maybe you've been in a 12-Step program but don't like any of the literature. Whatever it may be, my goal is to help you move past your problems into the next phase of your life.
What I'm going to assume is that you don't fit in well with others. Maybe this is true; maybe it's how you feel about yourself. Regardless of the truth of the matter, you're not comfortable with the status quo. You're wary of being one of the herd. If everyone goes in one door, you want to go out the window. If everyone jumps off a cliff, you jump off a bridge. What I'm saying is, you may not be making the right decisions, but at least you're not making the same wrong decisions that everyone else is making. From this perspective, 12-Step programs are a scary place.
What I'm going to assume is that you don't fit in well with others.
At the beginning, everyone mumbles out the same prayer from memory. That's an auspicious start to any group meeting. You don't like prayers, you don't like group chantings. Everyone's sharing a brain, you think. This is the Borg. Is it some kind of weird cult? Then it gets worse.
Somebody says a name. Everyone, in unison, greets that person with the same greeting. That person talks, and tells some horrible story, during which the rest of the group laughs. What the fuck? What is so fucking funny? Then it gets worse.
How much coffee can these people drink? Halfway through this meeting, a good portion of the room got up to go outside and smoke, and they were smoking right before it started; isn't that an addiction too? Then it gets worse.
The guy who drives my shuttle bus every day just told the room that he's a horrible crack addict. He has six months clean . . . that means he was all cracked out driving me to work every day for years. Over there is the cranky guy from the corner deli. Is that my ex sitting in the front row? Dude, there are at least three bartenders in here right now.
All of this inner dialogue is normal. 12 Step is a little freaky at first. You'll see all kinds of people from your life, both dear friends and people you recognize from the neighborhood but don't really know. What you're going to have to get over is your preconception that these people have nothing to offer you, that they have nothing in common with you.
I've been around many different subcultures since the '80s. Punks, skinheads, Goths, skaters, rockabillies, Wiccans, vegans, slam poets, comedians, break-dancers, bikers, hip-hop thugs, gangstas both real and self-imagined. Inside each of these subcultures are even smaller subcultures: anarchists, animal rights activists, tech geeks, graffiti artists. I've been close by many of these groups but never felt like I was fully a part of any of them.
I've been around many different subcultures since the '80s . . . but never felt like I was fully a part of any of them.
When it comes down to it, I'm a loner. Lonerism is a self-inflicted lifestyle. I isolate from others. If I find out that I'm fitting into a group, I find reasons that I don't fit so I can feel left out. I use my skepticism and cynicism to distance myself from the group mentality. It's saved me from joining gangs, mobs, and groups that would not be good for me; it has also kept me from developing the close relationships that I needed to grow as a person. No matter whether the group accepts me or not, I
