as time goes on. I had taught exactly these concepts to others!
Grief and Masturbation
A perspective from Carlyle Jansen, author of Sex Yourself and founder of GoodForHer.com
Solo sex allows you to reconnect with and reclaim your body. It can feel awkward at first when you’re in grief. You may feel guilty for having that pleasure. But your loved one would want you to live fully and to enjoy these sensations. Masturbation can help you bring yourself back into your body. It can feel freeing and helpful, even if you don’t feel desire at the start.
Start by touching yourself and being mindful of engaging your nerve endings for a short period of time. Sex of any kind does not have to end in orgasm. But if you find it frustrating when an orgasm does not happen, vibrators and other sex toys are fabulous accoutrements that can make it much easier to feel heights of pleasure.
Orgasm is a release after a buildup of tension. It is often used to relieve stress and pain, and it can release grief. If you find yourself crying during solo sex, let the tears flow. Keep the stimulation going if you can, and let your pleasure clear out the stuck emotions. Masturbation is a great way to get those tears out. It is cathartic and healing in ways that can touch deeper parts of ourselves.
My Love Affair with Vibrators
I have the best unpaid job ever: I review sex toys from a senior perspective on my blog, www.nakedatourage.com. I get to describe the qualities of exemplary sex toys that stand out in a sea of thousands. When I say I review them from a senior perspective, I mean I evaluate the ergonomic design and ease of use for creaky bodies and arthritic wrists, the intensity level for those of us with reluctant arousal, the body-safe materials so important for our health, and how easily we can use the controls without putting on our reading glasses, among other criteria. I also have the pleasure of highlighting vendors that are committed to our health and pleasure, not just sales.
Whether you’re a senior or not, sex toys—particularly vibrators—can be important tools for sexual pleasure. This is especially important when you’re grieving. When you’re filled with sadness and loss, your body may have difficulty with arousal and orgasm. Your sensations may be dulled by depression. Your brain may not get the message that stimulation and orgasm can be a welcome relief.
During my nonsexual time after Robert’s death, I didn’t even look at my huge assortment of sex toys. At one point, I said to my grief counselor, “I know I should be keeping myself sexually healthy through solo pleasuring, but I’m so sad that it hardly seems worth the effort. I don’t know if it would even work.”
She replied with a knowing smile, “If you use a vibrator, it will work.” She was right.
Vibrators can be the rescue party, increasing sexual stimulation until your brain and body come (or cum) together with pleasure and relief.
A Griever Shares
“I started out by exploring solo. When sexual feelings began to resurface after some time in my grieving process, at my therapist’s suggestion, I got a new vibrator. I began by exploring my own body and seeing what that felt like. I imagined that I was with my husband again. While it made me very sad on one level, it also made me feel closer to him, as if we were continuing our relationship, only with him being on another plane of existence outside of this physical one.”
“Tingle Time”
A simple way to get back to your solo sex practice (or to start one, if this is new to you) is this easy trick. For quicker, easier, and more satisfying arousal, figure out what time of day you feel most easily aroused sexually. You may not realize that your sexual responsiveness ebbs and flows during the day, and that at certain times you’ll be more physically responsive and your solo sex session will feel more exciting. I call this your “tingle time.” For example, many people feel that quiver of erotic possibility first thing in the morning, or after their daily dose of caffeine, or after exercise or a relaxing shower.
Try tracking your “tingle time” for a few days. Then start scheduling your solo sex time to coincide with that enhanced erotic responsiveness. You’ll find you can arouse yourself and reach orgasm more easily at that time.
Don’t expect that your “tingle time” will happen after a meal, when the blood flow is going to your digestive system instead of to your genitals. The timing of your medications or the challenges of your medical conditions may affect your responsiveness, also. Experiment, and enjoy the exploration.
A Griever Shares
“I learned that you can find anything you can think of to masturbate to on the Internet. I found beautiful women with soft voices, both dominant and sensual, who seemed glad to guide me through masturbation. Phone sex lines helped when I was feeling truly lonely.”
When You’ve Been Taught That Masturbation Is Wrong
Younger readers may find this hard to believe, but many people of my generation were taught that masturbation was wrong. Even today, this belief persists among religions that censure sexual pleasure outside of marriage. I hear from readers all the time who are trying to unravel the influence of their early teachings. My therapist friend, the late David Pittle, PhD, MDiv, said this:
“Most of us over sixty grew up with a pile of bad teaching about masturbation: ‘It will make you go blind;’ ‘It is prohibited by our religion;’ ‘Nice girls don’t.’ Our parents, pastors, priests and imams were wrong. Not only is masturbation not sinful, it is very healthy and contributes to our physical and mental well-being. If you are not masturbating, then you would do well to begin. Spell the word as ‘Loving yourself.’
“In my practice, I find a different perspective on life between those who practice self-love and those who don’t. It is certainly not an ‘approved’ therapy tool, but when I see someone who exhibits depression, I often ask the question, ‘When was the last time you had an orgasm, either with a partner or solo?’ The answer is almost always a version of ‘It has been a long time.’ ”
How does this relate to grief? Please understand that you are a sexual being. Nurturing this part of you will help you find a release, however temporary, and will help you stay healthier physically and psychologically. You may or may not want a sex partner right now, but this self-nurturing is, if you don’t mind the pun, within arm’s reach.
Some Quotes to Inspire You
Here are some of my favorite quotes about solo sex:
•“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”
—Lily Tomlin
•“Among all types of sexual activity, masturbation is, however, the one in which the female most frequently reaches orgasm.”
—Alfred Charles Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, 1953
•“We know that more than 70 to 80 percent of women masturbate, and 90 percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie.”
—Joycelyn Elders, former US Surgeon General
•“How to have sex with friends, lovers, wives, husbands all begins and ends with masturbation.”
—Betty Dodson (dubbed “the Mother of Masturbation”), at age eighty-eight
•“If
