these feelings, it happened that someone she knew was getting rid of a piano and she offered to take it. With two young children taking most of her attention, her piano lessons and practicing have become gratifying personal time.
When you allow yourself to name your jealous feelings (it takes guts), you can unabashedly uncover their hidden purpose. You also connect positively with those you envy—“I am the same as they”—which raises your self-esteem.
I have been blessed over the last eleven years to work with New York Times best-selling author Jack Canfield (classic books: Chicken Soup for the Soul® series and Success Principles™), initially as a student and progressing to coauthor and friend. There came a time when my work had expanded and grown, but remained limited compared to Jack's. I felt frustrated by reaching smaller numbers of people through RIM; I worried that many more people were needlessly suffering and I wasn't able to get to them.
Around this time, I became seriously jealous of Jack, who had always been kind and supportive to me. I saw his mastery at teaching audiences of hundreds, even thousands, of people at a time and the way he stayed authentic and honest. He could adeptly facilitate difficult seminar situations in ways that were graceful and effective. I also envied his support resources that made it easy for him to reach millions. In other words: I wanted to be him.
Initially, I felt bad that I would have these feelings for someone who was a great friend and wonderful mentor. Then I realized it wasn't about Jack; the jealous voice was from me and about me and it was saying: “Deb, you are playing smaller than your inner urge. . . . You are playing it safe.” Sensing that truth, I decided to take more risks and step into greater visibility, and my jealousy organically dissolved. Instead of viewing Jack in comparison to me, I was able to see him as my inspiration again.
After 2008 and one of the stock market crashes, my husband and I realized we needed to limit travel for a while. When I heard our friends sharing their fun trips, I felt envious. Born an adventurer, I longed for the stimulation and excitement. The discomfort of this jealousy caused me to seek a resolution. Soon the idea of offering international retreats popped into my head. This new business venture paid for exotic travels and even brought additional income.
Not only did retreats dissolve my feelings of jealousy; they called me to expand. As I guided groups to Maui, Costa Rica, Australia, and Peru, there were constant challenges that spurred me to grow my skills, and I loved it. This growth was a springboard to greater vitality and connection.
Self Check-In
Who makes you the most jealous? What is it about this person that really gets you? Is she or he making more money? Exercising greater power? Expressing more talents? Having more fun? Fostering a healthier, fitter body? Having greater closeness in an intimate relationship? Name this quality you want more of right now. For example, I was jealous of Jack Canfield's level of successfully fulfilling his purpose in his work. Thus, I wanted to live my purpose more successfully.
Once you have named the quality you want more of, ask your imagination to give you a number on a scale of one to ten (ten being the most) of how much you are manifesting this quality currently. Whatever number pops into your mind first, receive it, letting go of any desire to edit.
Imagine standing in the number you received and, with eyes closed or open, looking to the “ten” where your imagination shows you an image of you speaking and acting in a way that fully embraces this quality. By looking to the “ten” from where you are, you can easily sense the step-by-step course to greater fulfillment. These steps are your road map to a more fully lived life. For example, when I looked to the “ten” level of living my purpose, I saw myself taking immediate action to write a new book, expand RIM class offerings, and seek RIM research opportunities. The underbelly of envy and jealousy is an unconscious holding back of yourself. Some of us have grown up in families and cultures feeding us messages like “Don't get too big for your britches” and “It's selfish to call attention to yourself or your needs.” In these situations, you may have learned to shy away from playing at the level that excites you. The emotional result can be to think you are less capable than you are and to take fewer risks.
If this is happening for you, you can stretch beyond your comfort zone to explore. Stepping out is scary at first—until you begin to experience greater aliveness, joy, and sense of purpose. Then the call to the quest becomes compelling.
When my husband wanted to make a career change before his fiftieth birthday, we decided to put aside our work to take the kids on a yearlong personal sabbatical to Australia. Around this time, I came across a poignant quote by French philosopher André Gide: “One does not discover new lands, without losing sight of the shore for a very long time.” I thought, “Oh yes, we're losing sight of the shore for a year.” That year was so transformational for the entire family, it has developed into a way of life for each of us. We have been drawn to lose sight of the shore regularly. We visit the shore of “comfortable same old” for a while, then head out again to explore unknown waters.
You have new shores calling to you, too. They are unique to your personality and talents. It is irrelevant how dramatic the risk. The important thing is to express yourself step-by-step more fully in your own way and timing.
Feelings about Feelings
What is your conditioned take on feelings? Did your family embrace feelings or judge them? Did you learn to share your feelings openly or were you shamed for feeling anger, sadness, and envy? Were you celebrated for your successes or cautioned to remain humble or silent?
It's possible to free yourself of these emotions. However, it requires you to look honestly at feelings you have judged as ugly and undesirable.
In nursing school, we learned the “dead man's test” for developing effective patient goals. If a dead man can do it, it doesn't support growth and improvement. For example, a dead man can easily accomplish the goal of not feeling angry. This phrase “if a dead man can do it” is a powerful statement emphasizing how feeling is a sign of life and not feeling is a sign of death. To allow uncomfortable feelings rather than avoid them is to be fully alive. Otherwise, we shut off the emotional faucet that also supplies joy and excitement. We think we can turn off bad feelings and continuously be in good feelings; however, the body keeps score and buried feelings eventually show up in numbness or as emotional or physical symptoms. It's interesting to notice the love-hate relationship we have with emotion. We crave the highs that enliven us and hate the lows that make us feel bad. It's no surprise we seek pleasure to avoid pain.
On the other hand, we can allow the continuous, dynamic river of feelings to flow safely regardless of how terrible they seem. There are many techniques to keep our emotional waters moving safely and evaporating naturally. Let's look at a few for you to practice.
Feelings into Words and Thoughts
When you name your feelings, it's like pouring water from a pitcher. Feelings are the water, and we are the pitchers. By expressing our deepest emotions verbally, on paper, or through movement, we pour out the feelings, see them as external to us, and regain a sense of internal spaciousness and capacity to welcome new experience. As you are learning in this book, feelings do not have to be shared with the person with whom we are upset. In fact, spilling uncensored feelings in an imagined way is often the most beneficial initial action. Once the intense agitation has been drained off, we can become clear about whether we need to have a real conversation. I've witnessed that most of the time it's unnecessary. Sometimes, the person
