(IOCDF)
FOREWORD
When I first met Kirsten Pagacz, we were both attending the International OCD Foundation's annual conference. She had just purchased a copy of my memoir and asked me to sign it. While I can't honestly say I remember our conversation that day, I do know what I wrote just above my signature: “All things are possible when we dare to believe.”
It dawns on me today, so many years later, that Kirsten's story and the very book you're now holding are powerful proof of that scribbled declaration.
There's a reason obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is known as the Doubting Disease. At its core are intrusive what-if questions that can become so overwhelming sufferers will do almost anything—including performing all kinds of nonsensical rituals—in desperate attempts to relieve their anxiety. Consumed by these relentless obsessions and the compulsions they spawn, individuals with OCD find themselves doubting virtually everything, including their own abilities and judgment.
I know this from experience, having nearly lost everything to OCD many years ago, but I also know that recovery is possible—if, and only if, one dares to believe. Belief, after all, is the true antidote to doubt, and those with the courage to cultivate it can, in fact, do anything, including take back their lives from the grips of this debilitating disorder. Kirsten gets this, and by sharing her inspiring story in these pages she offers us not only great hope but also a reminder of the mechanics of believing—in ourselves, in others, and in life itself.
It's often said that good writing shows rather than tells, and Kirsten has done a masterful job demonstrating through her stories just what it's like to live with OCD. When she describes the agony she's in while battling an especially horrific obsession and notes that she “could no longer tell the difference between an actual situation and a thought,” we are right there inside her head; and when she recounts an exposure challenge she undertakes in a grocery store, we can feel the pain and exhaustion she's fighting. Especially for those who have not experienced OCD, this kind of peek behind the curtains is truly invaluable.
As someone who stumbled through the mental health treatment world for far too long before getting into proper therapy, I find myself ever vigilant for well-intentioned but misguided information about OCD and its treatment. I can assure you that there's none of that in this book. From Kirsten's intimate depictions of obsessions and compulsions and their dysfunctional interplay (which she creatively calls “OCD math”) to her detailed descriptions of exposure and response prevention treatment, the information is spot-on. That Kirsten adds to all this her insightful Key Points to Remember sections is a big bonus for readers looking for practical tools they can apply in following her path to recovery.
While there are many wonderful accounts of what it's like to live with OCD, there is something especially powerful about the message Kirsten aims to leave her readers with—a message very near and dear to me. For years I have been writing and speaking about the value of what I call Greater Good motivation. Through my own journey, and those of so many other OCD survivors I've met, I've become convinced that purpose and service are the most powerful motivators available to us when battling fear and doubt. Time and again in these pages, Kirsten makes clear that she too has discovered this, explaining, for example, why she decided to tell her story: “Helping OCD sufferers and those loved ones who are trying to understand them was my burning motivation.”
When I wrote my inscription for Kirsten all those years ago, I never could have known that I'd be privileged to write those same words again at the beginning of her wonderful book. I think we can now both say with great certainty that truly all things are possible when we dare to believe.
JEFF BELL
Author of Rewind, Replay, Repeat and When in Doubt, Make Belief
INTRODUCTION
When I was nine, I started developing obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). And I lived in its grip for over twenty years. People without OCD often ask me what it feels like. Imagine you have to build a house of cards. Your OCD is the blowing fan right next to it. You can't stop yourself from building the house of cards because your brain has a hiccup, and the fan will never shut off. And, oh yeah, there is someone holding a gun to your head demanding that you perform perfectly.
Frustrating doesn't come close to describing it, but complete madness does.
I have learned how to stop building the house of cards, doing what my OCD tells me to do, and, most importantly, I have shut off the fan.
In this book I tell the story of how I learned to take down my obsessive-compulsive disorder. I will show you how to do the same thing. Yes, you heard that right. YOU are BIGGER than YOUR OCD, and of this I am sure. What's different about this book than others you may have read is that it's written not by a doctor or therapist or expert, but from the perspective of someone who has lived through the disorder—from “the street level.” I've read a lot of books, met with a lot of doctors, and fought a lot of OCD battles, and this book gives me the opportunity to share with you what I've learned about what OCD is and how to work with it until you are back in charge of your life. I know it might sound cliché, but if I can do it, so can you.
OCD comes in many different forms; it all depends on the person. Some people are afraid and crippled by the thought of contaminants and are cleaners; others are driven to madness with the overwhelming need to be perfect; there are compulsive checkers, hoarders, and repeaters, also orderers, those who require that the things around them be arranged in a particular and rigid way; there are thinking ritualizers; and the list goes on from there. However, we are all human, and we are all so much more than these labels! Maybe we don't fear the same things, maybe the form of your OCD is different from mine (I experienced most of the things on that list), but we all want the same peace, don't we? That's why we do such crazy things! We're chasing that elusive mental stillness. My intention is to give you a book that is protein packed for the mind and the soul.
I constructed this book—text and pictures—to help you out of your own constriction.
I have been collecting imagery, especially vintage art and ephemera, nearly all my life. Pictures and words that really spoke to me at a core level. Some seemed to capture exactly what I was feeling. Some reminded me of pain, some of hope or freedom. I have a feeling these images and words will hit you like that, too, and I've sprinkled them like bread crumbs throughout the book to help guide you out of your dark forest or show you a different path. I want you to feel seen and heard. I hope these pictures help you feel my presence in your life. I hear you. I get you.
Sufferers will relate; the people who love us will learn. If you are an OCD hostage like I once was, or if you wish to understand and help someone who suffers from OCD, this book is for you. It's about claiming your freedom and getting your life back. If you feel alone and isolated, or know and love someone who does, this book will become a good friend and a valuable resource. We are all at different places on the OCD and wellness spectrum, and I wrote this book with the intention to meet you right where you are, wherever you are.
Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.
—VINCENT VAN GOGH
