Heart, Sass & Soul. Greta Solomon

      Introduction

      When my mother was a young girl, she played the piano. And when her family moved, they took her beloved piano with them. But it wouldn’t fit in the entrance to their new flat. They tried every which way to get that hunk of wood up the stairs, but it wouldn’t budge. And in that moment, her piano playing life ended—it just didn’t fit. Fast forward to around twenty years later and she was determined that her children would play the piano. Each of us duly went to lessons, but we never found the magic that she had experienced. That was her path, not ours, and we could never replicate the love and joy she felt for the music of the keys.

      The path to self-love is difficult to navigate if it is littered with thwarted dreams and silenced music. It’s no longer made-to-measure Valentino. Instead, it’s more hand-me-down from an aunt two sizes too big, or from that whippet-thin cousin whose thigh is the size of your wrist. It doesn’t fit. It tugs. It pulls. It itches. It scratches.

      We can also pick at our wounds, compulsively, like the urge to pick, pick, at a scab until the freeing feeling of getting it off is replaced by the wincing rawness of unhealed skin. This is when we can become susceptible to criticism. Throwaway comments, insensitive observations, and downright nastiness can fester, and if there’s no creative buffer, they can take hold. They can worm their way into your life, your psyche, your experience. Like a piece of wood made gnarled and moldy, it can seem as though your self-expression is tangled. The unwanted thoughts, fearful tries, and inevitable failures that are par for the course when expressing yourself can seem like clear signs that it’s “game over.”

      (Un)spoken Agendas

      Let’s look at criticism for a moment, because if you’re anything like me, you’ll have heard a lot of it in your life, from a variety of angles. Here is some of the criticism I have heard:

      oYou’re too quiet and sensitive.

      oYou don’t know how to get along with people.

      oYou laugh too loudly.

      oYou have short legs (yes, really!).

      But what is interesting is that for almost every criticism I’ve heard from someone, I’ve heard the exact opposite from someone else. I say almost, because unfortunately, no one has ever told me I have long legs!

      Here is some of the praise I’ve heard:

      oYou’re one of the most outgoing people I’ve ever met.

      oYou’ve got such drive and determination.

      oYou’re really good at building relationships with people.

      So, who is right and who is wrong? And what does it all mean? Well, it means that words come with an agenda. People say things to get us to behave in a certain way. For instance, “You’re too quiet” could really be someone saying, “I’m not comfortable with silence.” And, “You laugh too loudly” could mean, “I feel depressed and your laughter reminds me of how unhappy I am.” But instead of stating a flaw or weakness in themselves, others flip it back as a criticism—hoping that you’ll mold yourself to suit them.

      So ultimately, the only thing that matters is what we believe. The stories we tell ourselves and the world hold the key to our individual happiness. If you live by other people’s agendas, then it’s likely that you’ll behave in ways that don’t serve your highest self.

      Can you relate to this? To the need to please, to be liked, to be loved? You might feel that need so much that you take the criticism, and, like a sculptor, you begin chiselling away at yourself until—over time—your structure falls. You took too much away here and left not enough there, and now you’re broken and in pieces. So, you have to try and put yourself back together. Except now some pieces don’t fit you anymore. You’re new and different, and not necessarily better. You wish you had never started chipping away at yourself. But now you can’t stop chasing some illusion of perfection that was never there and can never be there.

      Where Is the Truth?

      When you embrace, believe, and embody criticism without questioning what’s behind it, you can start to believe that you’re not good enough. That’s when your perception of the world becomes skewed.

      A key sign is that you keep finding yourself in situations where criticism, bullying, and harsh words are commonplace. That’s not necessarily to say that you are being bullied yourself, just that judgement, cattiness, and “calling people out” seems to happen all too frequently. Plus, if you’re the one that people find fault with, you can start to feel less and less. Worse still, you may be left with no idea how to remedy the predicaments you find yourself in. And if there are no unfriendly people like this in your life, it doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. Maybe you have a critical inner voice, bullying you, pushing you around, and telling you you’re not good enough. Maybe you’re telling yourself that you’re a failed piano player who doesn’t deserve to have music in her life. Maybe you’re telling yourself that you’re just not “good” at writing,

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