of the most moving lessons I learned when interviewing all those fathers was how unbelievably deeply they loved their children. As the saying goes, big boys don't cry, and men certainly don't, yet in well over half the interviews the dads at some point broke down in tears. Tears of pain, tears of shame, tears of frustration, tears of love so strong it hurt, just a pure deep flood of overwhelming emotion. At the same time I was struck by how frighteningly often these loving men simply did not know how to translate that love in a way that their children really received it, and how often our instincts as men was to do the exact wrong thing. Fathering is not a role we are well prepared for, and until and unless we start talking to one another we will simply learn our lessons the hard way and leave a tragic trail of open wounds behind us.
At the core of this most difficult undertaking is the simple fact that childhood is almost entirely an emotional experience, and as a product of growing up male in American culture, most new fathers are relatively challenged in the world of emotions. It can make for a devastating combination, with dads constantly (and desperately) trying to respond to their children's emotional pleas with logic and solutions, when what they need from him is a powerfully felt and articulated emotional bond.
In the nine years since the first edition was published, many things have changed, and unfortunately many have not. The most exciting development is that more new fathers are diving into the experience of childrearing and exploring how to get more fully and deeply engaged in the lives of their children. Equally exciting is the beginnings, at least, of an awareness that, for everyone's sake, we absolutely must begin raising our sons to be well-integrated, emotionally intelligent men, so that when their turn comes to assume the awesome mantle of fatherhood, they will have at hand all the internal resources they need.
On the other hand, the deeper changes that need to emerge, with young men learning to be fully emotionally conscious and articulate, are happening at a snail's pace. The result is another whole generation of fathers trying to go it alone and reinvent one of the oldest jobs in the world. Generation after generation, our knowledge base in nearly every area has deepened and expanded because we talked about what we knew and passed it on; yet in this, the single most sacred place in a man's life, we remain silent. Fathers need to start talking amongst themselves and sharing the wisdom and lessons they have accumulated.
Nine years later, this is still the only book available that truly represents fathers' voices in what is a beginning of that dialogue. So, to all new or soon-to-be fathers, I encourage you to read and learn from our mistakes, then pass this book on to a new father you know. And while you're at it, pass on your own experiences as well.
Chapter 1
The Crisis in Fathering
My father was a very serious man. I used to make up all kinds of explanations, excuses really, for why he was the way he was. The truth is I don't care about the reasons anymore. He died without ever telling me he loved me, without ever hugging me, without ever saying he was proud of me. I still don't understand it. It's like there is this giant hole inside of me that can never be filled.
Fathering. It's not a word we're comfortable with. It feels awkward and sounds funny. It isn't even in most dictionaries. While the concept exists as a logical counterpoint to mothering, we as a society seem at a loss for any sense of what it really represents. That fact is at the heart of a profoundly devastating wound for many men: We have lost our fathers, and far too many of us who are fathers are in serious danger of losing our children.
To cite just one of myriad statistics indicating the problem, a recent study found that only 20 percent of the fathers surveyed felt that they had a close emotional relationship with either their fathers or their sons.1 That is a remarkable piece of information. In this statistically saturated world, it is easy to let the flood of numbers simply roll on. But we as men, as fathers, must force ourselves to stop for a moment and look beyond the numbers to see the very real human suffering—ours and that of those we love—that this particular statistic suggests: The vast majority of men in this country are emotionally distant, disconnected from their closest male relatives.
In general, men tend to be very good at controlling their feelings. We are particularly good at “getting on with things” in the face of hardship, danger, pain, and turmoil. It is our training, our history, and even our mythology, weaned as we were on larger-than-life heroes stoically pushing forward to overcome enormous difficulties and crippling losses.
This skill, this ability to function effectively in the face of emotional pressure, has served us well, but it has also exacted a very dear price. It has allowed us to create and accomplish out in the world with single-minded focus; but, largely unnoticed, it has also forced many of us to lose track of what is most important and precious, the reasons why we work so hard and what we are working for—our loved ones. In homes all across the country, men are “getting on” with the business of living. But, as the statistics painfully demonstrate, in four out of five of those homes, they are doing it without the reassuringly deep comfort of a close emotional relationship with either their father or their children.
My Dad worked himself to death. He dropped out of school when he was fourteen to get a job to put food on his mother's table, and he just never stopped. It was like he was afraid that if he ever slowed down, everything would fall apart. He had never known how to be a kid and he sure didn't know how to be with a kid; it was like living with an alien. I didn't know him well but I loved him. It still makes me sad to think about him. Sometimes I would catch him looking at me or my brother with this incredibly sad look on his face, like he knew something was missing, but it was beyond his ability to deal with it.
This book is about something that is difficult to describe—the close and powerful emotional connection that flows like a current of electricity between a father and his children. It is a most powerful thing and a most fragile one. It can be lost or interrupted abruptly, or it can persist over vast distances and time. It can make the difference between a life that is rich and full and one that is empty and meaningless. It is one of our deepest desires as men yet, for so many of us, it has proven to be painfully elusive.
For too long we have been silent about our love for our children, about the happiness and sorrow that being a father brings. Fathering: Strengthening Connection with Your Children No Matter Where You Are seeks to break the silence by weaving together men's stories about the joy and pain of being a father. These stories, told by fathers whose collective wisdom and experience is represented on these pages, appear as italicized sections. They are anonymous because the cloak of anonymity gave men the freedom to fully explore these deeply emotional issues. These stories—heart-wrenching, impassioned, and honest—represent the collective voice of today's father. The narrative that flows from their stories is my attempt to record what I have learned from these men, from their efforts and their anguish.
I don't remember very much about my childhood—there are so many reasons to forget. My father was never home. Sometimes when I was already in bed and supposed to be asleep, I'd stay awake just to hear his voice when he came in. Even on weekends, I hardly ever saw him, except for when we would all dress up and go to church on Sunday. My parents broke up when I was twelve, and he just sort of faded away. My mother still tells me he is a good man, but how would I know?
The emotional distance that has increasingly come to characterize men's lives has begun to reverberate out into the world. A second set of statistics2 tells us that nearly 49.8 percent of our children live outside traditional two-parent homes; that fathers in the United States spend less time with their children than in any other country; and that among those fathers who do live with their children, the average amount of time spent with them is twelve minutes per day.
These are frightening signposts proclaiming a crisis of monumental proportions. We have allowed ourselves and our children
