word is bond, remember?’
‘Yeah, I remember, Ammie.’
I felt a tugging on my nightshirt and turned to see Abdullah looking up at me.
‘Where’s Uncle?’ he asked, using his podgy fingers to sign out the words.
I faltered. What should I tell him? What could I tell him? That his brother’s dad had just walked out on his kid in the middle of the night? That I had no idea where he was or when and if he would be back, either to see us, to drop some money for Mum, or to stay? No, I couldn’t say that, so I gave him a quick hug and flashed him a smile.
‘I’m not sure, babe,’ I signed back, ‘but if we don’t hurry, you’ll be late for madrasah. Come on, you guys, hurry up!’ And I made a big show of getting the value pack of cornflakes down from the shelf and filling up their little bowls.
As I watched them eat, I felt the knot in my stomach tighten. They would all be depending on me again – me and Zayd.
OK, so now of course the question was, where was the human hot dog in all of this? Well, Zayd, my older brother, and I had a strict division of labour in the house: he did the weekday school run and I took the weekend mornings.
‘What with work during the week, it’s the only chance I get to sleep in, Ams,’ was his reasoning. ‘Now that you’ve finished school, you’ll get to join all the other sisters, living the easy life at home, while we brothers sweat it out at work every day. Subhanallah, you sisters have got it easy, man!’
I had given him my most superior look. ‘Anyway, who said I’ll be sitting at home? Uni is only a couple of months away, remember? And then there’s the fat job afterwards, inshallah. You do know that I’ll be working after I graduate, don’t you? No signing on or benefits for me. And no waiting for some useless man to take care of me.’
Zayd groaned. ‘What’s with all this women’s lib stuff? Is that what they taught you in that school of yours? A woman’s place…’
I put up my hand and started shouting over him. ‘OK, OK, Zee, give it a rest! Let’s just agree to disagree, yeah? Because, if you think I’m going to be one of those deadbeat sisters on the dole, popping kids out every year, you’ve got another thing coming.’
I could have slapped that look of pity off his face. ‘You have much to learn, young grasshopper,’ he said, smiling. ‘For now, though, you can do the kids on Saturday mornings while I sleep in, all right?’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ I growled. ‘I guess that’s fair enough.’
Zayd knew just how to wind me up. Most girls who had been brought up in a strict, conservative Muslim family like mine, praying, wearing hijab since the age of seven, with a stay-at-home mum who never finished school herself, would have had no problem with my brother’s jibes. What he was teasing me about was the reality for most of the girls I grew up with: finish as much school as you can (GCSEs, if possible) and then hurry up and get married. Getting married was the biggest milestone, the one piece of news a girl’s parents would make sure they shared with the whole community. Once you’re married, you’re safe: you’re off the streets, you’re not a fitnah, a trial, you’ve got someone to take care of you. This was my background, these were the ideas I grew up hearing. But I was never like the other girls. You could say I was cut from a different cloth.
***
I looked in on Mum just before I left with the kids. I wanted to remind her that I was planning to go to the park to do some sketching after I had dropped the kids. I knew that she probably wouldn’t remember and would start worrying if I didn’t come straight back after the masjid.
The curtains were drawn and the room felt hot and stuffy. Mum was curled up in bed still, her hair spread over the pillow, a frown line between her eyebrows. I stroked her hair, tucking it behind her ear, and kissed her cheek. Her skin felt hot and damp.
‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ I whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’
As we left the house and walked down the close to catch the bus on the main road, I looked up at Mum’s window. The left side of the curtain was sagging badly, right where the broken glass had been sealed with masking tape, months before. Abu Malik was meant to have had the glass replaced but, obviously, he’d never got round to it.
O Allah, I prayed silently, take me away from all of this.
3
The drive into London took forever, mainly due to an accident on the motorway. We drove down with Dad on Thursday afternoon to make sure that the house was ready for the movers who were due over the weekend.
I must admit, even though Dad took great pains to explain the difference between a housing estate and a housing association, I was expecting the worst: grim estates decked out with rusting swings and dog mess on the scratchy lawns.
But our route took us through the bustle of Brixton, up tree-lined roads, past a beautiful park with a country house perched on a hill, to the gates of our new home. Looking around as we drove up the driveway, I could feel my heart rate start to slow down and the dread I had been unconsciously holding onto, easing away. The houses were neat, well looked after. Good cars stood in the private driveways and the close was flanked on one side by sky-high oak trees.
‘You sure this is it, Dad?’ I asked, suddenly anxious to check that this was the right place, that I hadn’t got my hopes up for nothing. ‘It doesn’t look that bad…’
Dad smiled, ‘Uncle Kareem wouldn’t invite us to stay in a dump, Ali.’
Umar kissed his teeth and scrunched down further in his seat, his eyes fixed on the phone he held in front of him.
‘I can’t wait to see what it looks like inside!’ Jamal was jumping up and down with excitement.
Dad chuckled and tossed him the keys. ‘Do the honours, son.’
And Jamal duly unlocked the door of our new home and let us in.
***
We went to pray the Friday prayers at the local mosque the next day and, as far as I was concerned, we stuck out like sore thumbs, even amongst other Muslims. We were obviously strangers, new to the community: we dressed differently, spoke differently, didn’t know anyone. But one of the brothers made his way over to us like it was the most natural thing in the world.
‘As-salamu ‘alaykum. My name’s Usamah.’ As tall as Dad, maybe even taller, dressed in a brown linen thobe with a crisp white turban tied around his head, he greeted us with such a smile, such easy confidence, that Dad was caught off guard. ‘Mashallah, fine set of boys you’ve got here, sir,’ he smiled, shaking us all by the hand, and giving Jamal a mock punch on the shoulder. ‘Y’all new to the masjid?’
‘Yes, we are,’ Dad answered him. ‘It’s our first time here as a family.’ Then he frowned. ‘Well, the boys’ mother – my late wife - and I visited a friend here a few times when we were newly married. But we moved out of London and didn’t come back here again…’
I stared at Dad. It wasn’t like him to speak so candidly – and to a stranger at that.
Usamah bowed his head slightly
