At this point the conversation fell into a stalemate. We reached an impasse by which neither student was capable of convincing the other of the superiority of their reasoning skills. If I had been keeping score I would have awarded Tommy the victory. Gina, I imagine, would protest, claiming that Tommy may have won this battle, but he would surely lose the war.
After a day or two I forgot about their argument. A few weeks went by and, for some reason, I suddenly remembered Tommy’s proposal. I asked him, outside of class, if he went through with it. He told me that he gave it a shot on the first night, but was called away on more pressing matters.
I think it had something to do with an Xbox 360.
Like most college students, his interest in thought experiments outside the classroom quickly dissipated. Perhaps that’s a good thing.
Maybe it was divine intervention.
Yet, the more I think about it, the more I am convinced it is not a half-bad idea (which means, admittedly, it is only a half-good idea). Not that I want to be possessed by the Devil, assuming such an entity exists, it is just the idea that with so much emphasis some religious traditions place on this creature’s ability to wreak havoc in the world, then perhaps there is something to Tommy’s wager. Perhaps traditional pursuits of God are not the most efficient. What if we went on a search for Satan in order to shed light on the existence, and, possibly, the character of God?
“So Brother Ray, that’s all I’m doing. That’s why I need you to help me come to terms with this Satan character.”
Appearing rather offended, he asked, “Well, why in the world would you think I would be of any help in that department?”
“I’m glad you asked,” I told him. “I was thinking that since your sermon, stellar by the way, mentioned Satan as many times as it mentioned Jesus—Jesus received seventy-eight honorable mentions, Satan ninety-six . . . give or take a few—I thought you could help me make a connection. What do you say?”
“Son,” stated a flabbergasted lamb-chopped Brother Ray, “I’m afraid you might already be under his influence.”
For some reason, I thought of Gina.
1. See Ludwig Feuerbach, trans. Alexander Loos, The Essence of Christianity (Amherst: Prometheus, 2004).
2. It’s inevitable. No matter how many times I cover this material, my so-called free-thinking and hyper-individualistic students unfailingly rehash the same old stale arguments.
1. The Protestant Deification
of the Devil
I have always felt friendly toward Satan. Of course, that is ancestral;
it must be in the blood, for I could not have originated it.
—Mark Twain
Hell is empty, and all the devils are down here.
—Ariel (William Shakespeare, The Tempest)
Throughout the course of my research, the one thing I have discovered is that Protestants love talking about Satan. They simply cannot get enough of him.
To be sure, there are those highbrow liturgical Protestants who think themselves far too respectable to be caught dead attributing certain travesties to the Prince of Darkness; but, as you can imagine, those folks are of little use to me. Nevertheless, I’ll return to a few of them later.
For now, however, I am interested in the majority of Protestants that fueled my upbringing and continue to geographically surround me. The Protestant South has an undoubted love affair with the diabolical one. That pointy-eared chief of demons seems to be responsible for every single tragedy, calamity, and mishap in the world. If you doubt the authenticity of such a claim, I have included an abbreviated list of things that Satan has supposedly been responsible for—and I am restricting this to only a small number of comments I have had the good fortune of hearing. The Devil has:
• unplugged a screen projector
• encouraged people to vote for Bill Clinton
• created albinos (the red eyes, I guess)
• introduced thoughts of impurity to everyone but my Sunday School teacher
• made watermelons taste like tomatoes (they really did)
• led Michael English to have an adulterous affair
• possessed the Pope, Jane Fonda, and Gorbachev
• inspired the creation of South Park, Will & Grace, and Three’s Company (RIP John Ritter, I hope you’re not in hell)
• can change the color of things
• is “behind” homosexuality (see chapter 2)
• gave the Yankees victory over the South (for possession of their Northern souls of course)
• married some of my relatives (I actually believe that one)
• occasionally wears a blue dress
• caused microphone feedback
• crossed the street disguised as a black cat
• carried a dead man away at a wake (while my intoxicated grandfather and his blitzed cousins just sat there and watched)
• gave one of my friends a lisp
• created the Smurfs
• took Jesse Helms from this earth “way too early” (or wait, was that God?)
• caused spelling errors in church bulletins
• created Islam
• created the internet (sorry Al Gore, unless . . . )
• is aiding the Chinese “take over” of America
• created puppets (okay, that one is mine—I hate puppets)
• invented Halloween
• tempts Catholics to worship Mary and other saints
• tempts women to work outside the home
• promotes dancing which leads to sex (“What kind of dancing?” I asked. “Salsa? Swing? The Jitterbug?” The Nazarene minister replied, “All dancing leads to sex.” Which, of course, immediately convinced me to engage in all forms of dancing. Let it be known, that minister lied to me.)
• and for the grand finale (sans the purported aphrodisiac of dancing, no less), forced me to have sex prior to marriage . . . sorry mom, Satan made me do it.
This short
