this go away. I didn’t know pain like this was possible. Why is it when you need the days to go by quickly they go the slowest? I screwed up as a father and I know it but I don’t deserve to lose my only son, a son I hardly even knew. Well, I guess that part was my doing. I just couldn’t see past his problems. All I could think about was how to fix him, how to make him into a good person. Hell, he was probably always a better man than me, even at seventeen. They don’t tell you about the regret, it’s the worst part; all the lost ballgames together, the growing up that I wasn’t there for, the passages, and the eventual man-to-man talks. And now it will never happen.
It’s just not the same with girls. I love my daughters dearly but a father and a son bond is something only a man can understand. A son touches a different part of you than a daughter. There are things that can only be shared by two men. I wanted so much to see the day when we talked about his life and I helped him through it. I wanted to be his best friend. I wanted to be his best man.
I need to move on, right? But move on to what? Everything feels shallow now; no depth, no satisfaction, and so far from happiness that even death looks better. What if nothing ever feels good again? I guess I can always drink or drug myself into oblivion. What if that doesn’t do it? I’m scared, I can’t live like this.
Emptiness prevails
Darkness has chased away the light
My soul aches for redemption
To go beyond the pain
Agony so deep it pierces my soul
Don’t hate me, my son
Though failed I have
To see you truly and pure
Lend me some time, my Father
Let me go back
To treasure what once was put off
And know its sweet moment again
Damn Those Dreams
I love Bob Dylan. Gracie can’t stand him but I think he’s a genius. His words are always popping into my head and there’s just something about that raspy voice that I really relate to. Bobby and I have grown up together and he’s the poet I always wished I could be. “I don’t give a damn about your dreams” he says in his latest, greatest classic. I love it as usual but damn Bob, this was one dream I cared a lot about, just a gunshot and a funeral too late.
My mind rambles a lot these days, from one pointless thought to another. I need something that turns my crank again. I need for one of those pointless thoughts to mean something again. I have the big office, a six-figure income, an impressive home, and a new beemer. And none of it means anything to me. The girls and Grace have been great and I truly love them. But even they can’t lift this heaviness that hangs over me, weighs me down, and maybe some day soon will devour me.
I guess it’s time to call Jimmy and see if he still grows that great weed. I need something to keep me from going where it hurts so much. Maybe a poker game with the boys will help. We can drink beer, maybe smoke some pot, and get crazy. I love those guys but I don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach their inevitable pity. No reason to pity me, I’m the one who blew it with Chris. I’m the one who passed by his childhood like he would be waiting for me when I finally decided to be there for him. Dreams be damned. They don’t wait for us while we waste our time chasing the buck, and the career, and the toys that we value so much.
Maybe I should consider going back to work. But then I’d have to deal with all the well-meaning sympathy that does nothing for me except remind me of what I’m trying to forget. At least I could get lost in the endless details, the useless meetings that will hush when I walk in. The problem is I just don’t care about all that anymore. I wish I could leave my skin and deaden my feelings. Maybe a new dream to replace the one I messed up or just something else to be more pissed off about than I am about the kid who killed my son.
Regret gnaws at me
Eats away my being
Let me escape this torture
Let me not be
Why must I choose
Between despair and hate
Shall I kill to save me
Will it salvage my soul
Will it tame the beast
Or destroy my hope
I know not where to turn
I have lost sight of love
Erase my mind and feelings
Ease my suffering heart
Lord, come save me
Before I fall apart
Poker with the Boys
Here I am pounding beers and playing poker with some of the best guys in the world and even that is empty. And damn, they’re afraid of me. I can see it in their eyes. They’re afraid of where I’ve been and of where I am, afraid to get too close to it.
“Guys, we need to ratchet this party up a notch. Let’s crank up the music and get this shindig going. How about some Eagles or Dire Straits?” I call out, hoping to drown out the thoughts. Nervous laughter that just doesn’t fit these guys forces its way out. But they’re trying. They’re my friends and they want me to feel better.
Jimmy breaks open the baggie and loads the pipe. “Tom, turn up the music and give this man some rock and roll,” he yells across the room. “And let’s get the pizza going before the damn munchies set in.”
“Mike old buddy, what’s your pleasure, Dylan or the Eagles? Jimmy’s got all the good ones. He’s more of a Dylan and Eagles freak than you are,” Tom calls out as he rifles through Jimmy’s CD collection.
“Hotel California and crank it up, way up. If I going to lose all my hard-earned money to you jokers, at least you can serenade me while you’re doing it.” Real laughter comes this time. For just a minute, we all forgot.
“Who needs a beer?” Mark offers as he beelines to the fridge. “Let’s get this party going.” But the nervousness starts to seep back in . . .
Not a bad night, things could have gone worse. At least I didn’t lose it in front of the guys. With all the booze and pot we consumed, a lot could have gone wrong. Who would think a bunch of sports-loving, foul-mouthed, middle-aged guys could be so sensitive and selfless? It’s good to have friends, even if they can only distract you for a couple of hours on a Saturday night. Maybe I’m drunk and stoned enough that I’ll sleep tonight, maybe.
My brothers confirm me
Clumsily offering hope
Agreeing to be distracted
From insidious plague inside
Attempting to defer my temptation
To slit my hated throat
Offering
