phone, in my fright I would run out on the porch screaming for help. On one of these especially violent nights the police arrived to find me sobbing and huddled in the corner. One policeman turned to my father and said, “How can you do this to your daughter?” The memory of this stranger’s concern and his question to my father echoed in my mind for many years. It may even be that at that very moment, somewhere deep in my psyche, the seed to write this book was planted.
As I approached adolescence, my confused feelings towards my father congealed into hatred. No longer did I love him, or even pity him. Repulsed by his behavior, I hated him intensely. I lied about him to my teachers and friends, and it was impossible to invite anyone to my house. No one except our immediate neighbors knew my father was a drunk. And no one else, I pledged, would ever know—if I could help it. I disidentified with him completely, trying to become his opposite in every way I could conceive.
To protect myself, I led a double life. At school I was a hard-working, serious, straight-A student. Though I was the “teacher’s pet,” I also got along well with my fellow students by being pleasing and cheery, shy and adaptive. On the outside I was sweet and serious; but inside was the terrible confusion—the angry hatred of my father, the infinite shame that I was his daughter, and the fear that someone would find out who I really was. The only clues that something might be wrong were a nervous facial tic I developed at age fourteen and the fact that, unlike other girls, I didn’t date. But since I had skipped a year in school and was smaller and younger than the rest, this was accepted. At school my hard work and pleasing personality brought me some comfort and meaning. But at home, life was a waking nightmare. I never knew when I’d be awakened from a deep sleep by that crazy man who was my father. I always feared the night he might come home with a gun and shoot us all.
As I grew older, I determined to escape. To stay at home, I knew, would be my demise. To protect myself from the frightening chaos of my home—from the violent and parasitic dependency of my father, and from the emotional demands my mother made on me to fill that gap her husband couldn’t—I resorted to the worlds of intellect and logical thinking as a defense. This gave me the much needed distance from my mother as well, for I realized that to fulfill her desire to keep me with her in that situation would keep me forever in the prison of the past. I was trying to break my identity with both mother and father and, ultimately, from the realm of all that I could not control.
For many years, my retreat into a distant intellectual attitude served me well. I left home and worked as a newspaper reporter on a small daily newspaper in Colorado. Then I studied philosophy to develop my mind and to delve more deeply into the questions about the meaning of life. About this time I also married a man of the intellect, someone as different from my father as I could find. My husband encouraged me to continue my studies toward a Ph.D., and so my life became one of the intellect, too.
During this period my father’s drinking grew progressively worse. But for my twenty-first birthday he decided to give me an opal ring, my birthstone. Somehow, although he did not work and drank up every bit of money he could get, he managed to save twenty-five dollars for that ring. The first present he had given me in many years, the ring was beautiful, sparkling with magical lights as opals do. But I couldn’t wear it. The few times I came home to visit during the rest of my father’s lifetime, he always asked about the ring, and I gave evasive replies. Though I felt very guilty, I simply could not bear to put on that ring. Only many years later, after his death and about the time I started writing this book, could I wear the opal birth ring. And now I wear it constantly, hoping to bridge that terrible void between my father and myself.
During my marriage, my own repressed unconscious side broke out—mysteriously and uncontrollably in the form of anxiety attacks and depression. To understand these experiences, I turned to the existentialist philosophers, Heidegger and Kierkegaard, to novelists like Dostoyevsky, Hesse, Kafka, and Kazantzakis, to poets like Rilke and Hölderlin, and finally to the psychology of C.G. Jung. Still in my professional defense system, and under the guise of deciding to become a psychotherapist myself, I went to Zürich and began a Jungian analysis. Suddenly my repressed Dionysian side emerged. My initial dream, the first dream I had after beginning analysis, was a terrible nightmare that woke me up in the middle of the night. In it, Zorba the Greek was hanging by his neck from the rafter of a ship that was on land. But he was not dead! He shouted for me to get him down, and while I fumbled about, he freed himself with tremendous effort. Then he embraced me.
Though this dream was deeply disturbing, Zorba also symbolized for me a zest for life—a carefree and playful Dionysian relationship to the world. But his world was also associated with my father, and I had seen how destructive and degenerate the journey into the irrational had been for him. Since I had consciously denied this irrational side of myself by disassociating from my father, Zorba’s realm at first appeared to be chaotic, frightening, and primitive. Jung has described the way into the unconscious as a “night sea journey,” a voyage of death and dismemberment, a time of terror and trembling before the awesome unknown. And this was my experience. To enter my father’s world took courage, though I cannot take credit for this leap into the abyss. It forced itself on me as surely as though a silent figure had stepped behind me and pushed me over the edge of a precipice where I had been standing. There in the depths I was confronted with my own irrationality, with my own drunkenness and anger. I was just like my father after all! And many times I behaved just as he had. I became drunk at parties and a wild, seductive side of me emerged.
Face to face with the irrational realm, feeling torn to pieces like the mythical Dionysius, I began to live out my torturous dark side. My appearance changed, too, as I let my professional pixie short hair grow into a long-haired hippie style. On the walls of my apartment hung the colorful but grotesque and frightening pictures of the German expressionists. When I travelled, I sought out cheap hotel rooms in the dangerous quarters of foreign cities. Just as I had previously avoided my father’s world, now I plunged headlong into it. And now I also experienced the guilt and shame that before had seemed to belong only to my father. Crazy and compulsive as all this seemed, somehow I knew there was a treasure to be found in this behavior. At one point during this chaotic period I had the following dream:
The entry to my father’s house was a small shabby cellar door. Inside, I shivered as I saw the paper hang in greying clumps from the wall. Black shiny cockroaches scurried along the cracked floor and up the legs of a chipped brown table, the only piece of furniture in the bare room. The place was no bigger than a cubicle, and I wondered how anyone, even my father, could live here. Suddenly fear flooded my heart, and I sought desperately for an escape. But the door through which I had entered seemed to have disappeared in the dim light. Scarcely able to breathe, my eyes frantically roamed the room and finally caught sight of a narrow passageway, opposite to where I had entered. Eager to leave this distasteful and frightening room, I hurried through the dark passage. As I came to the end my eyes were at first blinded by the light. But then I entered into the most magnificent courtyard I had ever seen. Flowers, fountains, and marble statues of marvelous forms shone out before my eyes. Square in shape, the courtyard was really the center of an Oriental palatial temple, with four Tibetan turrets towering above each corner. Only then did I realize that all this belonged to my father too. In fear and trembling, awe and wonder, in bewilderment, I awoke from the dream.
There was indeed a passageway from the dirty, roach-infested cellar of my father’s house to the shining, magnificent Tibetan temple—if only I could find it.
Although many times during this crazy and compulsive period I fell into chaos, luckily I managed somehow to function in the everyday world. But, the awareness of another, more powerful, reality was gradually entering my consciousness. Along with the devastating times were some mystical and wonderful experiences of nature. The realms of art, music, poetry, and fairy tales, the world of imagination and creativity, gradually opened up for me. From shy intellectual introvert, I became more spontaneous and able to express more warmth and feeling. Gradually I became more assertive, too, not needing to hide who I really was.
In the midst of this time two traumatic events
