but not much knowing how. A workshop involves active participation, so that you walk away with new or enhanced skills or abilities. So, workshops involve both kinds of learning. You learn that but you also learn how.
Our workshop today is made up of modules. Most of them will be short. Each module is an individual unit that builds on the ones before it.
Onward.
Preview of Where We’re Going
[BOOK] Chapter 2
I want to give you an idea of what we’re going to address in the workshop. So, I’ll give you a quick preview. We’ll discuss the following:
• What communication is and what it isn’t.
• The nature of good and not-so-good marriages.
• Some basic characteristics (dimensions) of all relationships.
• The nature of divorce and what predicts it.
• Recognizing what you most appreciate about your spouse.
• Expressing appreciation to each other.
• Basic male and female differences.
• Modes of expressing love.
• Sharing beliefs and desires about these modes.
• Principles for constructive discussions (rules for fair arguing).
• Marriage as ongoing negotiation and what good negotiators do.
• Do’s and don’ts in the area of sexuality.
• Resentment as lethal to communication.
• Humor—when to use it and when not to.
• What every man and woman wants to hear.
• Developing a private marital compact.
• Subscribing to your personal compact.
• Some biblical principles for enjoying a blessed, happy, and fulfilling marriage.
What’s Going to Happen After Lunch
[TIP] If you are a man leading this workshop, recruit a woman, possibly your wife, to help with this. She should be wise and sensitive, and therefore willing to listen to whatever female participants share, without criticism or condemnation. And, if you’re a woman leading it, recruit a man with a good feel for facilitating a discussion. If the mood is right, women will sometimes share things they’d never verbalize with their husbands in the room, and only with other women. The same applies to men. This half hour to forty-five minutes is likely to be among the richest times in the workshop.
Exactly when to break for lunch will depend on where you are in the workshop agenda around noon, so I’m including this here, well beforehand.
One value of holding these all-male and all-female discussions immediately after lunch is that they are likely to be highly engaging. This will help offset any after-lunch sleepiness in participants.
I want to say a few words about what we’re going to do immediately after lunch. I’ll meet alone with the men, and (Name) will meet alone with the women. If you’re a man, there may be issues you only want to discuss in the company of other men. And, if you’re a woman, there may be issues you only want to discuss with other women.
Let’s talk briefly about something I’m going to emphasize again and again.
Importance of Writing Things Down and Saving Them
Have you ever forgotten something because you didn’t write it down? Or, thrown something away and later regretted that you had?
[TIP] Again, don’t rush in to fill any silence you may encounter. After a few people offer answers, move on.
It’s been proven many times that we remember what we write down far better than what we don’t. We recall what we’ve written far more than what we’ve only thought or heard.
And, written records allow us to go back and refresh our memories whenever we want.
What you hear today from your spouse is likely to be highly valuable, but the details may not be easy to remember.
I strongly urge you to write everything down in your Workbook and to save it.
[TIP] Remember to take a short break after forty to forty-five minutes, and roughly every two hours thereafter.
Let’s turn now to our first major topic, which is the nature of communication.
What Communication Is and Isn’t
[BOOK] Chapter 3
“Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:12, NIV). This is not optional. It was a direct order from Jesus, our Supreme Commander. Here’s how the ESV translates it: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have [already] loved you.” Please live this out, throughout the morning, with your “flawed” spouse.
[TIP] Pause just a moment to let this sink in, and also to signal that you’re about to make a transition.
What I’m about to tell you applies not only to your spouse, but also to everyone else you come in contact with.
What do you think communication is? How would you define it?
[TIP] Give them time to come up with a few answers, and try to affirm them if you can.
Here’s the version that makes the most sense to me. It’s covered in Chapter 3 of the book. Communication is connecting with your audience. If you don’t connect, you aren’t communicating.
[TIP] Try to give them an example from your own life of when you failed to connect and therefore to communicate.
The most important “audience” you’ll ever have is the person you’re married to. So, it’s very important to connect.
Communication involves both sending and receiving. If you just talk, you’re only sending, and if you just listen, you’re only receiving.
I want to explain the difference between digital and analogical communication, which is like the difference between digital and the old analog signals.
Digital communication is like computer code. It’s precise and explicit, so the message is clear. Analog communication is imprecise and implicit, so the message is often ambiguous. In marriage, digital is generally better.
Communication is the platform for all relationships. Without it, there is no relationship, or at least no true interpersonal relationship. Communication is the vehicle or medium for connecting with another person. It occurs verbally, through words, but it also occurs non-verbally, through posture, facial expression, tone of voice, and lots else.
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