I was at the window of my house, looking through the curtain, I saw some naive young men, and one in particular who lacked common sense. He was crossing the street near the house of an immoral woman, strolling down the path by her house. It was at twilight, in the evening, as deep darkness fell.”
The wisdom literature doesn’t blame some massive evil scheme for this guy’s sin. Its lesson for us? Do the hard work of not being naive. Do the hard work of getting some common sense. And don’t open your computer at night or visit the red-light district when you’re lonely and it’s dark.
You need a robust theology of heaven
You want to live and thrive abroad long-term? You’re going to have to have a pretty good grasp of heaven. I’m not talking about end-times theology, I’m talking about the reality of eternity, for the saved and the lost.
2. Living Well Abroad: Spiritually
There are two powerful words we need to understand deeply. Those words are “Yes” and “No,” and they are sacred words indeed.
Initially, when you move abroad, you don’t know anyone and you’re probably in language school, so you can say yes to everyone and pretty much everything. But watch out, because your ratio of yeses to nos will have to change. If you want to stay healthy, you will have to start saying no to more and more things. And if you don’t make that transition well, if you don’t learn to say no, you will end up saying yes to all the wrong things.
Recently, I heard a preacher boldly state: “Satan is always trying to get your yes.” Indeed, from the beginning, the Liar has been getting people to say yes to stuff that will make them say no to the Father. And it continues. Balancing our yeses and nos can get tricky, triggering our fear of missing out or our fear of being completely overwhelmed.
Learning when to say yes and when to say no requires both faith and wisdom. After all, it is possible to say yes to too much because of our faith, and it is possible to say no to too much because of our wisdom.
Again, this is precisely why we need to spend time connected to the Vine. We must remind ourselves often of this truth: the most fruitful thing I can do today is connect with the heart of Jesus.
May God give us the grace to serve with both faith and wisdom. Not as opposite ideas, fighting for domination, but as buffers and guardrails, keeping us from veering too far to one side or the other.
3. Living Well Abroad: Relationally
Life abroad can be bone-jarringly lonely, so connecting with friends is vitally important. Those friendships might surprise you; they might be with expats and nationals and folks you find to be strange at first. But whatever the case, deep connection with other human beings IRL (in real life) is crucial to whether or not you live well abroad.
Marriage
I’ve been living with my best friend for nearly seventeen years, and frankly, we’d like to stay friends. If you’re married, I’d like for you to stay friends with your spouse too. Here are some ideas that have helped us:
• Google “First date questions” and screen capture the results. Next time you’re out on a date or alone together, whip out your phone and get to know each other again.
• Be a tourist for a night. Pretend you don’t speak the language and go where the tourists go. (I realize this might not apply to everyone, but I know it’ll apply to some.)
• If you have kids, try to get away for twenty-four hours, because even twenty-four hours away can feel like forever. And when you’re away, don’t talk about work or the kids. (And if you don’t have anything to talk about besides work and the kids, take that as a sign that you need to get away more often!)
• Read a book about marriage. I’m continually amazed at how little effort we put into the one relationship that we want to be the deepest and longest and best.
• If a book is too much, check out The Gottman Institute on Facebook. Follow them and read an occasional article.
Dudes, remember this: your wife lives here too. If you’re doing great but she’s really struggling, you gotta push pause and figure it out. Are you both thriving? And when it comes to arguing, remember the age-old adage our marriage therapist said over and over and over: “If one person wins, the couple loses.”
Parenthood
We moved to Asia when our boys were six and seven and our girls were one and three. And the loss of how I used to parent nearly killed me. Really. Most Saturdays, I’d get depressed and overwhelmed by all the good we had left behind. Here’s a snapshot of what helped me:
• Be Creative. Early on in transition, creativity is very hard to come by. You’re exhausted and on the edge already, so ask around. Ask other parents, “What do you do for family time here? Where?” Just remember, what works for one family might not work for your family. That’s okay. Find the things that work for your family, and then do those things. Boldly. Remember, use other parents and their ideas, but don’t judge yourself by other parents and their ideas. Some ideas will work for others that will not work for you. Figure out what’ll work for your family, then do those things.
• Be Crazy. The Cambodians think we’re crazy, and maybe they’re right. We have a badminton court on our roof and a ping pong table in our garage. And we use our moto as a jet ski during rainy season. Maybe I am crazy, but I’m also not depressed.
• Spend Cash. If you need to spend some money to share a fun experience with your family, spend it. And don’t feel guilty about it. Now, if you feel like God doesn’t want you to spend it, then don’t. But if you’re afraid of spending money because of what your donors might think, that’s a pretty good reason to go ahead and spend it. Don’t let your kids grow up thinking that the most important question when discussing a family activity is, “What will our supporters think?” That question destroys kids.
4. Living Well Abroad: Psychologically
At various points in our overseas journey, Elizabeth and I have needed debriefing, coaching, and counseling. In fact, so many of the good things in our life and ministry have been directly influenced by specific psychological help.
One area that’s so simple (and important) to talk about is meta-emotions. Simply put, meta-emotions are what you feel about feelings. Don’t freak out on me just yet. I know this sounds like a Pixar movie. But honestly, a healthy question that we need to ask much more often is this: How do I feel about what I’m feeling?
For example, if you feel angry at your host country and then feel guilty for feeling angry, your feelings of guilt will actually block you from dealing with the root of your anger. Does your anger make you feel like a bad person? A bad Christian? Like you’re a failure because you don’t even like the people you came to serve?
You see, how you feel about your feelings will make a huge difference with how you handle them. Do you keep talking to God about your feelings? If you’re ashamed of your feelings or believe that you shouldn’t have them, chances are your praying will cease forthwith. And that’s not cool.
An illuminating question in all of this is, “How were emotions handled in my family of origin? Did I grow up in an emotion-coaching home, where emotions were safe and expression was easy? Was I taught how to feel and name and share my feelings?” If so, that’s awesome. It’s also pretty rare.
Did you grow up in an emotion-dismissing home? Were emotions anything
