normal state, and, of course, because it is required for my recovery. Sometimes I have to get my hands dirty, so to speak, in order to maintain my sense of normalcy, but it is always worth the effort.
After making amends to all those on my Step Nine list, I discovered, through Step Ten, that I had made an error in judgment and inadvertently wronged someone. I did not even know the person I had wronged very well, but I became very nervous around the person whenever we happened to be in the same room or area. When I knew he was near, I was a nervous wreck. The gaffe was entirely my fault, and I was pretty sure he would not forgive me. Still, I knew I had to rid myself of the guilt in order to continue in my own recovery. I also knew, from working my way through Step Nine, that this experience is really all about cleaning my side of the street—I am not to concern myself with being forgiven. I make amends in order to find freedom.
Cleaning away the debris of my mistakes gives me freedom to grow. By swallowing my pride, then doing what I have learned to be right, proper, and normal, I free myself from the bondage of my errors. So I made my amends with the person I had wronged. Surprisingly—at least to me—he forgave me. Even if he had not, I knew I had done my best to correct the situation, I was truly sorry, and I would do everything in my power to make sure I do not make the same mistake again. When I see this person today, I do not get nervous. We speak politely, we debate issues, and we get along. I am free to grow and he knows that I know I was wrong and that I will do my best not to let it happen again. When I make amends to others, everybody wins.
Even though making amends can be difficult, the results bring me back—or, sometimes, move me forward—to a state of normalcy. I feel more at ease and better equipped to live my life without worry over things that might happen because I did not clean up my messes.
One of the wonderful lessons I have learned from doing my ninth step is to be more careful about how I behave, so I do not have to make more amends than necessary. Thanks to this step, I have not only freed myself from the baggage of my past, but I have learned valuable lessons about how to conduct myself in the present.
One of the best ways I make my amends these days is to discontinue engaging in my addiction. This is an ongoing amend, and a change I have committed to. Through following this path of ongoing amends I live a more normal life—a life that is becoming more normal to me all the time.
STEP TEN. THE PRINCIPLE: PERSEVERANCE
When I continued to take personal inventory and promptly admitted my wrongdoings (when I realized I had committed them), my life came into greater order. When I persevere in practicing the tenth step, I look at what I have done to ensure I am acting properly—or normally.
Since I discovered the advantages of this step, I have been putting it to use in an ever-more-expedient manner all the time. This step has allowed me, on many occasions, to avoid making mistakes. I am learning to keep my mouth shut when it could do more harm than good to open it. I am learning to consider other people’s feelings before taking any action, and I am learning how my actions might affect others in general.
After practicing the tenth step for a short time, I began to see how it was helping me act more normally. I was causing less turmoil in my life and in the lives of those around me.
STEP ELEVEN. THE PRINCIPLE: PATIENCE
When I first sought to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understood God, patience was near the bottom of my list of assets. I wanted tomorrow’s results yesterday, and sometimes that was not fast enough. Seeking to improve my conscious contact with God has helped me greatly in this area, because, as I have learned, God does things in His time, not mine. Since He is the One responsible for the results, I had to wait, whether I liked it or not. This was a new concept to me. Acceptance helped me with this new concept, but it still was not easy in the beginning. I began to pray every day, morning and night, from my very first day of recovery. Some days I had to be patient with myself because I could not slow my mind down enough even to pray. I had to take time to really focus in order to get the job done. Learning to be patient with myself helped me be more patient with others. Prayer reminds me of who is really in charge of the results. It is not me; it is not any other person, either. It is God.
When I remember who is in charge, I can slow down, and I can be more patient with myself and others. I can let God do His part. Through this process, I can be more calm, relaxed, and serene. This, in turn, helps me to act more normally. After all, when I am calm and relaxed I can think straight. When I am angry and all keyed up, I do not think very well, if at all, before I act. When I think first, I act more properly and more normally.
Daily prayer keeps me focused on what is important.
Prayer keeps me closer to God as I understand Him today, so when He guides me I can move on with full faith that I will be growing better and faster than before, that I will “bear more fruit,” so to speak, instead of feeling a need to know “why me?” in cases where “bad” things happen. If I can apply some patience—allow God to care for me—I will always find a benefit; I will always find growth, which, again, is normal.
STEP TWELVE. THE PRINCIPLES: CHARITY AND LOVE
As the spiritual awakening promised in this step took hold, and I did as the step suggests, I began to carry the recovery message to others, and began to practice the principles of all the steps in everything I did.
It’s hard to decide whether this is the most difficult step or the easiest. I know now that a spiritual awakening will happen of its own accord, if I work the steps. My job is to work the steps, and let God do His job, providing a spiritual awakening for me. Therefore, the first part of this step happens normally as I practice the program.
I learn valuable lessons about life. This is especially true when considering charity and love. I learn that through giving I receive. I had to learn this, because I once thought I received through taking. This is a valuable lesson—this lesson of giving. It teaches me to love whether I want to or not, because I almost never get to choose the people I help; they seem to choose me. The people I have sponsored over the years have always asked me to help them—they did the choosing—my part was simply to be of service. I learned to love them, every one of them, and some of the people I have sponsored I most certainly would not have chosen. God provides the people and the love. All I have to do is do my best to do my part.
Once I had tasted charity and love—and saw what they can do—my desire to continue along this path was heightened, and I discovered I wanted more. There is one final purpose to the twelfth step. I have heard it said that practicing the principles of the program in everything we do is the key to the whole program.
If I could put all of the principles into action, I would be a very busy man. Fortunately, the step says I can practice them, and practice implies that I will make mistakes along the way. In fact, the mistakes themselves help me practice the principles. I must become honest enough to admit the mistakes, while perseverance helps me move forward with the rest of what needs doing. Acceptance keeps me from beating myself up too badly about making a mistake, while patience keeps me from trying to just patch things over if they need a total rebuild. Faith helps me know things will work out if I surrender the outcome to God and trust that He will take care of things. When I find humility, I become willing to forgive wherever necessary, including forgiving myself, and then I summon the courage to make amends, which provides the freedom to move back to charity and love. Of course, it does not always happen in this order, or with this kind of ease. However, as I practice I become more proficient, and as I become more proficient the practice becomes more second-nature, until one day I realize that practicing the principles is a normal part of the way I conduct myself. I am “becoming normal.”
THIS
