a mountainside.
Before I got clean and started going to my twelve-step recovery fellowship, I was convinced I would die by a fatal overdose. I often fantasized about my funeral. Who would show up, what wonderful words would be spoken about me, how sad all my friends would be because I was no longer with them, and the freedom from misery my death would bring me. I would really get into the “drama” of it and most times ended up sobbing because I had died. Today when I look back at those times I shake my head, marveling at the explicitness and magnitude of all the details I created. It also is a vivid reminder of how desperately I wanted to escape the reality I lived in during my active addiction.
Now that I’m in recovery I don’t fantasize about dying or dread the thought of living. I wake up each day grateful for another twenty-four hours clean and look toward the unfolding day with anticipation. Granted, I don’t think or act like a “Polly Anna” every day, jumping around singing and smiling; however, I have learned to accept where I am today and not engage in self-destructive behavior. Being clean for twenty-six years and the many experiences I’ve had, in conjunction with the experience, strength, and hope shared by many others, I am acutely aware that there are no external solutions to internal problems. The more I can remain in conscious contact with the spiritual principles I’ve learned in my recovery fellowship, the better able I am to accept the full range of feelings I experience.
Recovery plants the seed of hope in all who choose to stay and grow. It is the sapling that struggles to touch the sun each day. Recovery has taught me how to be a mother, a daughter, a grandmother, a friend, a lover and partner, a gentle pet parent, a sponsor, a sponsee, and an employee. It has taught me how to love me exactly as I am. Being in recovery is the most important thing in my life, because without it, I have nothing.
For me, recovery has been a personal journey of education and growth as I’ve learned to mend my spirit, which was ravaged by my addiction. While remaining abstinent from mind- or mood-altering drugs (including alcohol) is certainly a core component of recovery, it is not only about abstinence. Being in recovery is about becoming consciously aware of self-destructive and self-defeating thoughts and behaviors and replacing those behaviors with healthy, growth-enhancing ways of relating to oneself, others, and to the world. As a result, recovery takes strength and courage to pursue and to maintain on a daily basis.
While recovery is simple, it is sometimes hard to understand because it is filled with paradoxes. I must surrender in order to win. I live “just for today” so I may enjoy tomorrow. I admit powerlessness to become empowered. I give so I may receive.
In thousands of meeting rooms of countless twelve-step programs, one can find a tiny microcosm of society. Sitting in chairs set up in circles or at conference tables are creative art directors, students, nurses, carpenters, CEOs, loan advisors, fast-food restaurant servers, musicians, ballet dancers, writers, unemployed real estate agents, millionaires, ex-convicts, customer service representatives, husbands, partners, wives, children, grandchildren, and pretty much anyone else you can think of. They all share the hope recovery brings. Just as no one is exempt from the enormous power of addiction, recovery can be an omnipotent answer to its devastation for nearly everyone.
For years, Derrick was the director of a successful treatment program. He was blessed with a beautiful job, a beautiful family, a beautiful wife, and a beautiful home. He had it all—including an addiction that told him he was a loser and a fraud and didn’t deserve anything beautiful. Filled with self-hatred and an appetite for destruction, Derrick clung to his addiction like it was a high-priced call girl who answered his every desire. After getting clean and into recovery, Derrick learned a valuable lesson about self-acceptance from his wise teacher, Sunny, a “passionate purveyor of positive regard and present-centeredness!” Here is the story in his own words.
SUNNY
Like so many recovering addicts, I’ve found my first eighteen months clean have been rather eventful. It has been a time filled with significant losses and unexpected gifts. Recovery has given me the opportunity to rediscover interests and activities that were an important part of my life until my active addiction hijacked my priorities and my world became smaller and smaller. Returning to pursuits such as writing and playing sports have been healing and joyful, though certain activities require continual self-reminders that I’m no longer twenty-five, thirty-five, or even forty.
Active addiction left considerable wreckage in its wake and I’ve faced some serious challenges. I’ve struggled to find work in my chosen field and my wife of more than twenty years and I divorced, a move that turned the worlds of our teenage daughters upside down and focused their anger squarely at me. My path of recovery is not just about learning how to live without drugs, but includes repairing the damage caused by my addiction. In the process, I hope to unearth my true self and fulfill the potential with which I’ve been graced.
My recovery involves working a twelve-step program built on a foundation of spiritual principles. These principles include being present-centered, or staying in the moment, and maintaining an unwavering attitude of affirmative regard for myself and others. The most compelling model I have of these spiritual principles is my dog, Sunny. Actually, Sunny (a five-year-old chow chow mix) is my youngest daughter’s. The dog lives with her and my ex-wife. You could say she’s my “ex-dog”; however, I still see her regularly.
Sunny is always happy to see me although my ex-wife is not always thrilled, and my daughter is often ambivalent. Nevertheless, Sunny is always excited when I’m around. She sprints to press against me and wags her tail at high velocity, yipping and yelping joyfully all the while. Sunny’s interactions with me were unfailingly uplifting, supportive, and validating. No therapist could have provided a more healing environment. She provided much, and asked for little. In other words, when I felt worthless and even contemptible, her never-ending love and affection told me I was okay in her eyes.
Prior to my active addiction, my life was marked by experiences of feeling inadequate and not good or worthy enough. Getting high changed my feelings, at least briefly, and helped me feel whole temporarily. This was a short cut that ultimately led to my dead end thirty-five years later when the consequences of my addiction reached a point where I knew I had to seek help and find a different way to live.
During most of my active addiction, I was a very responsible member of society with a loving family. In spite of the trappings of social acceptability and professional success over many years, the chronic “dis-ease” I felt vise-gripped me by the throat, threw me to the floor, and put me in a sleeper hold. It seemed the harder I struggled against the disease, the deeper I sank into the quicksand of discontent and false selfhood. Paradoxically, as my addiction progressed, I sought solace in the substances of my own destruction. At some point, using drugs for me became a vicious circle of cause and effect. I used drugs to dull the pain; yet using drugs created only more pain and drove me to use even more. The further I got from the truth of my addiction, the more distant I became from those I loved most dearly—my wife and children, who needed and deserved so much more than I gave them during that time.
HEALTH BENEFITS OF PETS
In recent years, science has uncovered that pets benefit us in more ways than just the love and companionship they offer; pets are also good for our health. Several studies have confirmed that companion animals help reduce psychological stress, anxiety, fear, and nervous disorders.
A 2001 study by the US National Institutes of Health found that people who have pets make fewer doctor visits and also are more likely to be alive one year after being treated for a coronary condition. Research continues to confirm significant health benefits pets provide, such as lowering blood pressure, reducing depression, and protection
