to take something to relieve the pain, but I didn’t because I was terrified of relapsing.
For at least a year I waited for each medical appointment and test, hoping there would be answers and a solution to my pain. The first doctor I went to said I pulled a muscle. The next doctor said it was probably my sciatic nerve, and stretched me on a machine that to me looked similar to torture racks used in medieval times. After several MRIs, X-rays, and injection of dyes into my back, the final diagnosis was three severely ruptured discs. I had minor surgery followed by months of rehabilitation, but the problem only got worse.
The decision to undergo major surgery had been a difficult process, but I could not go on living in pain every day. The surgery involved the insertion of six-inch pins and plates in my back. After that, I was given morphine while in the hospital. This was as traumatic for me as the surgery. I had so much fear that once I used, I would relapse. This was despite the fact that my sponsor, the doctor, and my support group told me it wasn’t using; it was what I needed to heal. I prayed every night in the hospital, and my friends brought twelve-step meetings to me every day. I stopped taking morphine two days before I was released. Then the doctor told me I needed pain medication when I went home. Thanks to the advice of someone with a lot of clean time and experience, I filled only one prescription and never took more than I was supposed to. I called him every day to let him know how I was feeling and what I was taking. I was very aware of my addiction during this period because I was constantly focused on what time it was and when I needed to take the next pill. I wrote a list of pros and cons, did medication research, and ended up using only ibuprofen and a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug when needed.
This experience taught me just how strong my addiction is, and that without the recovery support and experience, I would never have stayed clean. The support of my sponsor and friends kept me focused and helped me stay in the recovery process because I was, and always will be, an addict, whether I am in pain or not.
Is It Really about Choice?
Many view addicts’ use of substances and related behaviors as a choice. People who have addiction may have made a decision at one time to use a drug, but they never made a decision to become addicted. The addict’s brain was different before the first use of a drug, and scientific evidence has shown many of the significant ways the brain changes in response to chronic exposure to mood-altering drugs. According to Alan I. Leshner, Ph.D., former director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), “the evidence suggests that those long-lasting brain changes are responsible for the distortions of cognitive and emotional functioning that characterize addicts, particularly the compulsion to use drugs that is the essence of addiction.”
Even if you never used a substance in the past and only started taking medication for your chronic pain, you may develop addiction. Just as an addict who uses for the first time is not choosing to become addicted, an individual with chronic pain who takes his or her first prescription would never choose and never intend to become addicted.
For those of you who are resistant to exploring the possibility that you are addicted, the issue may be getting past the stigma of addiction and letting go of the need to be better than an addict. Addiction is a no-fault illness, just like chronic pain.
At this point we don’t want you to get stuck on whether or not you have addiction, but rather to focus on solutions to your problems. If you spend your energy trying to prove you are not an addict, you will limit the benefits you may receive from this book. We are not interested in labeling you. We are committed to helping you. You will decide for yourself in the long run.
If you are unsure at this point, we suggest you try a perspective such as “I am not sure if I am an addict or not, but I will have a clearer picture if I do the exercises and complete this book, ” or “Even if I decide I am not an addict, the solutions to addiction and chronic pain are so similar that I will benefit from this process and from applying what I learn to my life, ” or even “I think this is crazy, but I admit my way hasn’t worked so far, so what do I have to lose?” For right now, try to suspend judgments and do the work. The closer you get to balance, the clearer things will become.
There is no more shame in being an addict than there is in having chronic pain.
Arguments against Being an Addict
We realize at this point your head might still be saying, “But I’m not an addict. What are they talking about? I only used drugs as prescribed by my doctor.” Frankly, it doesn’t really matter. Or you may think, “I would never have developed problems with the drugs if I didn’t have the pain.” Again, it doesn’t matter. As we have said, we aren’t concerned with labels, and we also aren’t concerned with your motivation or specific circumstances. We only care about what is happening in your life as a result of drug use and what you want to do about your situation. How you identify yourself—as addicted, drug-dependent, having problematic drug use, or simply a victim of circumstances—only matters if it prevents you from getting better.
The purpose of this book is to help you discover solutions that work no matter which label you most identify with. To say “I am an addict” is a personal decision that only you can make. However, to effectively determine the truth will require work on your part. Denying that you are an addict without examining the possibility that you are will prevent you from growing and finding balance. The following exercise deals with some of the ways people deny the possibility that they have addiction.
{ exercise 3.2 }
I’m Not an Addict Because… _______________
____ I have a problem with medications but I have to take them for my chronic pain.
____ I use prescribed medication and not illegal drugs.
____ I don’t lie, cheat, steal, or live on skid row.
____ I’ve never snorted, smoked, or injected my pain medication.
________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
PAIN IN RECOVERY SUPPORT GROUP (PIRSG)
The Pain in Recovery Support Group (PIRSG) was created to provide those already in a twelve-step fellowship with a safe place to discuss their chronic pain issues in a mutually-supportive environment. For those not already in a twelve-step fellowship and who are seeking an opioid-free solution to their pain, PIRSG provides a place to practice the principles of pain recovery. PIRSG also offers information on various twelve-step fellowships so people can decide which one best fits their needs.
For more information about the PIRSG, please email [email protected] or visit www.paininrecovery.org.
Below you will find a self-test provided by the Pain in Recovery Support Group (PIRSG). The purpose of this exercise is to assess your use of medication and the possibility of addiction. We suggest you tear it off and make copies, and after you complete the self-test, ask family or friends to complete it also, with regard to your use. Getting input from others can expand your view
