{exercise}
2.3
Identifying Codependency in You and _______________ ___________
This exercise will help you to identify codependent traits in yourself and in _______________. Read the following list of characteristics and indicate which apply to you, to _______________, or to both of you (check both boxes).
| Self | Other Person | Characteristic |
| Problems trusting others (anticipating betrayal), making true intimacy very difficult. | ||
| “People-pleasing,” an excessive need or desire to do what other people want, often at the expense of one’s own needs. | ||
| Covering or making excuses for behavior so as to avoid having to deal with the consequences, e.g., telling family that someone is “sick” or “tired” when he or she has taken too much pain medication or is drunk. | ||
| A need to be in control of self. | ||
| A need to be in control of others. | ||
| Always depending on another for guidance. | ||
| Discounting or doubting one’s own judgment. | ||
| Always being worried about making the wrong decision. | ||
| Ending up in relationships with people who need to be taken care of. | ||
| Ending up in relationships with people who initially need help, but later take advantage or become abusive in some way. | ||
| Fear of feeling angry (i.e., losing control), to the point of avoiding confrontation or conflict and/or denying that you are angry. | ||
| Lying, omitting information, or exaggerating, even when it would be easier to tell the truth. | ||
| Fearing abandonment. | ||
| Fear of being alone. | ||
| Tolerating hurtful behaviors. | ||
| Guilt about not being able to take away the pain. | ||
| Guilt for being angry. |
THE SOLICITOUS SPOUSE
Research has shown that in the presence of a “solicitous spouse” (one who genuinely cares and expresses concern), pain and disability increase. Studies on chronic pain sufferers found that when their spouses focused more attention on the pain problem and engaged in overlyprotective, solicitous behaviors, their reported pain and degree of disability increased. Solicitous behaviors can include asking repeatedly if the person is in pain, suggesting that he or she lie down, or asking if the person has taken his or her pain medication. When the spouse paid less attention to the pain problem or actively tried to get the chronic pain sufferer to focus on other things, his or her reported pain and degree of disability decreased. Though this research focused on the spouse, what it illustrates is that if you reinforce pain (through codependent and enabling behaviors), the pain is maintained.
Mary’s tendency was to stroke Jim’s brow when he complained of pain. She’d coddle him and even use baby talk at times in an attempt to soothe his discomfort. This reinforcing behavior actually caused him to report and to feel more pain than when Mary was at work and he had to do for himself. He developed a lack of the ability to self-soothe. Sometimes, without realizing it, he groaned and complained to evoke a response from her. Imagine what would happen when she failed to respond the first time, being distracted, exhausted, or just annoyed. This became a source of great friction for them.
THE COMPASSIONATE BRAIN
We also know that our brains are wired to react empathetically when someone else is in pain. A study was conducted where people were shown videos of a person experiencing pain. Brain scans revealed that the same areas of the brain “light up” in the person who is watching someone in pain as in the person who is experiencing the pain. Literally, we feel another’s pain. And this empathetic reaction is much stronger when the person in pain is a family member. So it is only natural to develop enabling behaviors when a loved one is in pain. It is our innate response to feel another’s pain and to want to do something to help, but it is just those solicitous or enabling behaviors that make the pain worse.
Reinforcing pain causes more pain; reinforcing function enhances function.
When Amy cried with her pain, it would break Chris’s heart. He didn’t think he could stand it. He often gave her medication before it was due (he had confiscated her medications in an attempt to control her drug use), even though she appeared to be “loaded.” He simply couldn’t tolerate the feelings that came up when he witnessed her suffering. What would happen if he didn’t give her the meds? He didn’t want to find out.
{exercise} 2.4
Enabling Responses ___________________________________________
You may be unknowingly responding to _____________’s pain in ways that make the pain worse. This exercise will help you identify ways in which this may be occurring.
Please complete the following sentences with the first response that comes to mind.
1. I can tell when _______________ is in more pain because
2. When I know his or her pain is getting worse, I usually
3. When it’s time for _______________ to take more pain medication, I usually
4. If _______________ tells me he or she is hurting more, I tell him or her
5. If I want to go out to dinner or some other activity
