to do gymnastics and I wasn’t going to apologize for it to anyone.
Soon I began to believe my schoolmates’ view of me. Their whispers, jokes, and comments infiltrated my muscles and bones. I was outnumbered, and it became difficult for me not to believe them. But instead of quitting the sport, I went deeper into my body and practice, shutting down to the outside world. I couldn’t have stopped if I had wanted to: I was obsessed. After school, before gymnastics practice, the patch of grass that my brother mowed became my gymnasium. I would drag our old mattresses onto the lawn, lining up mattress after mattress, and tumbled on them. I learned new skills on my own to take to practice that night.
After gymnastics practice, I would set up the mattresses in the basement to work on what I had learned while my brother and father drank beer and played pool. I would practice until my body could no longer take it, until each movement was just right. I never had much in common with my brother and father, who were very much alike, but somehow through my practicing I communicated and bonded with them. Though my father seemed like he was concentrating on his game, I would occasionally see him give me a fatherly glance that said, “That’s my boy.” Together in that room, as they played pool, I practiced becoming a champion, and that space and time became precious for us all.
THE SMALL BONES OF THE FINGERS AND TOES ARE NAMED PHALANGES BECAUSE THEY RESEMBLE THE GREEK BATTLE FORMATION CALLED A phalanx. IN THE PHALANX FORMATION, SOLDIERS FORMED A TIGHT GROUP WITH OVERLAPPING SHIELDS AND SPEARS.
I won first place in the state and regional gymnastics championship, which allowed me to take a trip to the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs. I was twelve years old and invited to a camp at the training center with other select gymnasts from across the country. This would be the first time I was going to be away from my family, and the idea of leaving them was both thrilling and disturbing.
Dan’s coaching shone a light over my basic understanding of gymnastics, and I quickly absorbed his teachings. Our gymnastics team had grown in size to ten athletes, and the team dynamics had changed. Chris, the stronger teammate, was in a division higher than me because his skill level was more advanced. Even though he was better than me, I still kept him in the corner of my eye. Seth and I were in the same level, which was great because we were becoming good friends. I was sad Seth wasn’t going to the Olympic Training Center with me, but knew if I let my guard down once, he would be going instead of me.
I loved to train in gymnastics, but I hated competing. I could never sleep the night before a competition and would continuously go through my routines in my head. I would lie there for hours, covered in a blanket of sweat, religiously and compulsively going through them, making sure to occupy every memory, every physical movement to its perfection. My heart beat like a hollow drum, faster and faster, as I repeated those actions until sunrise. Those nights led to horrendous mornings without having slept a wink. My body and mind were braided into a miasma of fear: to be perfect or die.
The mornings of gymnastics competitions were just as difficult as the nights before. I obsessively checked everything over and over again, as if it were part of my routine and I was to be judged on whether I properly packed my uniform and grips, or how I executed my daily rituals. I thought that if I didn’t religiously follow that compulsion, I wouldn’t perform well. I would return to my gym bag three or four times to make sure my uniform was still there.
Early in the mornings my mom and I would get into her little gray Cougar and drive to the competition. She would be half asleep and exhausted, but happy; and I would be a nervous wreck, in my robotic mode, trying to control the uncontrollable. The drive always seemed endless, yet never long enough, and somehow, like clockwork, I would fall asleep in the backseat as the hard smell of Marlboro Reds and morning coffee washed over me. I cherish that memory and knew that just for a moment, for as long as the drive lasted, I was safe. I was with my mom, protected from my quest for perfection. In that car ride, I could just be her little boy. It didn’t matter where we were going. But those moments were never long enough.
I leapt from the car and rushed into the gym to greet my teammates and competitors on the blue sprung floor. That always felt awkward, because during competition we were no longer teammates or friends, and we all felt that division between us. Our playful camaraderie dissolved when we entered those battlefields, preparing to tear each other apart. We said hello to one another but had to fight the compassionate part of us that is human, holding on to our shields of armor like Titans. Quietly we stretched, warming up for the six events in men’s gymnastics. Structurally, the equipment we knew from daily practice remained the same, but the atmosphere was altered at the level of competition. We had come to know each apparatus as well as our own bodies, but on competition days the merciless equipment became unapproachable and unyielding.
The judges, coaches, and parents who watched from the backbreaking bleachers never saw the underlying levels of stress and rivalry. To them it looked like we were “playing” gymnastics, but to us athletes, our humanity came down to those fine moments, forcing us to ask ourselves, “What are we made of?” The gymnastics apparatus appeared to have its own agenda and demanded respect by throwing us off, causing injuries, and displaying how man was inferior to those solid structures. However, we came prepared with years of practice, numb from the self-made beatings, and we hung on, combating with all of our love and hate.
After our warm-up, we got dressed in our gymnastics uniforms, marched out to a familiar Olympic melody, and stood tall for the national anthem. The national anthem always startled me because it started the competition, like the gun fired for runners. During the anthem, I prayed for the ability to do my best and to remain injury-free. I prayed for perfection. Once the song ended, it was time to be judged and scrutinized for what I loved to do. “O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.” BANG! Would we ever be the same after that song?
Competition was serious, and we had six rotations in Olympic order: floor exercise, pommel horse, still rings, vault, parallel bars, and high bar. While the athlete before me performed, I engaged in yet another ritual of preparation—I spat on the white palms of my hands to allow the chalk to be absorbed and then kicked the floor, pushing my socks between my big toes, like Japanese “tabi.” I dreaded the moment when the athlete ahead of me came close to finishing. My mouth got dry, the warm color in my face receded, and the gym’s atmosphere became a dizzying carnival of madness and illusion. Fear paralyzed my system even though I appeared to be prepared, as a most unusual condition occurred: the dead bells. I heard this deafening buzzing in my ears until I could hear nothing else. If that was my body’s way of coping with fear, then it was useless. It actually felt like I was having a silent seizure. This phantom sound resembled the noise one hears the day after a loud rock concert. I would think to myself, I can’t go out there and compete; I can barely stand up straight right now; get me out of here. My stomach knotted and my breath collapsed in my throat. Somehow, within seconds, I would have to salute the judges and begin my routine.
The first skill that broke the stillness was the most difficult. I chalked my hands as I obsessed about the details, and raised my arms for the moment that should magically transform trepidation into self-assurance, suggesting to the judges, “I’m ready to do this. Watch me!”
We trained daily to condition ourselves to unconsciously perform the first skill under pressure. Once I engaged with the movements, my surroundings faded away. I had rehearsed my routine in practice hundreds of times, but during competition the sensation of the skills became Herculean. Floating in the sky, I was an imperfect cloud judged by God, filled to capacity but unable to rain. I couldn’t hear anything, not my heartbeat
