or our anger. We might recall and start to romanticize the ways that wine, marijuana, donuts, or the attention of a new man made us feel better in the past. And yet, we also need to know when professional medical attention and even prescription medications are the right next step.
WHICH BRINGS US TO SEX
For many women it was something in the sexual sphere that got us into recovery. It was either too much or too little, and often it was with the wrong people. Better sex and better attitudes toward sex may be a marker of how far we’ve come. Pre-recovery, we may have had sex with too many people or the wrong person, or sex was bad because we were numbed out or we didn’t have enough sense of self to ask for what we needed.
Even in early recovery we may still have done it with the wrong people—that cute newcomer in our home group or the married guy who was thirteenth-stepping us. But the good news is that as we get better in recovery, our sex life can get better too.
When I was twenty years old I knew so little about sex. When I was twenty-five I thought I knew some things but I still didn’t know enough. At thirty I was learning how to give pleasure, but it took almost ten more years to learn how to receive it. And surprisingly, sex does get better with age.
Yes, I always knew that “older” people had sex. When I was thirty-three years old, my seventy-year-old mother, who had been widowed many years, was newly remarried. She told me that she and her second husband, Don, had sex almost every day. I thought, Good for her, but I also secretly thought, How good could sex really be at their ages? Now I know. And I’m sorry I laughed at the people who told me that sex gets better as you age. I didn’t know. But now I do.
At fifty-nine, my sex life is better than I ever imagined. Yes, I wish my skin was smoother and I wish I was firmer, but I now know more about how to give and receive pleasure. Having confidence is part of it—that comes with recovery too—as is learning what works, and being fearless about trying things, and then trying them again.
This is a gift of recovery we don’t talk about much in meetings, not even in women-only meetings. But I have learned about my sexual needs and how to meet them. And even that has been a process over years of recovery.
In my pre-recovery and early recovery years all of my character defects applied to my sexual behavior and my sexual sensibility, just as they did to my workplace and social behaviors: I was a people-pleaser, not always honest with others and rarely honest with myself. I didn’t know myself well enough to be honest.
In those days before recovery, I managed my fear or anxiety with alcohol or other drugs or food, and I was alternately obsessed with my body or wildly out of touch with it—so truly experiencing the sensual didn’t have much of a chance.
But I was always an athlete—runner, gymnast, swimmer—so I knew something of the body’s mechanics; hence, I learned sex mechanically too, and as a codependent I read every article about how to please men. I knew how to seduce without ever feeling seductive. Yeah, I faked frequently.
In those days before recovery, I managed my fear or anxiety with alcohol or other drugs or food, and I was alternately obsessed with my body or wildly out of touch with it—so truly experiencing the sensual didn’t have much of a chance.
But my saving grace was twelve-step recovery, a sponsor who was a nurse, and oddly, Helen Gurley Brown—the longtime editor of Cosmopolitan magazine and the author of many books including Sex and the Single Girl, which, despite the title, was all about work and careers, not libido. (Helen was married to the movie producer David Brown, who knew the importance of an impressive title.)
Helen’s later books were about relationships and aging and sex. In her book The Late Show, which she wrote in her sixties, Helen made the point that women over fifty have to decide that they want an orgasm—and then go for it. She got my attention. When I first read that statement I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant, but I have since come to understand.
I AM RESPONSIBLE
It turns out that “going for it” is about self-esteem, self-care, assertiveness, and the best kind of seduction. I can’t tell you how glad I am to give up faking it, and in that process I’ve learned valuable information about my own erotic sensibility. (By erotic sensibility I mean what it takes to get in the mood, which fantasies work for me, and exactly what needs to happen in the, um, athletic sphere.) A woman does need to take responsibility for her orgasm. It may sound a tad “transactional” but it’s true. I mean, this too is about being happy, joyous, and free.
Taking responsibility means getting in the mood, using fantasies, erotica, maybe even toys, and it means speaking up. There are countless good books about sexual communication, and with the growing baby boomer demographic, there are many good books on how to keep sex energetic and spirited in a long-term relationship. Women in recovery are passing those books to their friends and they—the books and the friends—are worth it.
AWKWARD OR UNCOMFORTABLE SEX
Sometimes, and it can happen in new relationships or in longstanding ones, sex gets uncomfortable or awkward. What does a recovering woman do then? Maybe something doesn’t work; maybe you can’t “perform” or he can’t. Or one of you wants something that the other person can’t or won’t do. Or you both want to try something new and it bombs.
This is, I think, the critical moment when you know whether you are a couple or not. How do you handle sex that doesn’t work? Do you laugh? Yes, with each other. Do you cry? Maybe that, too. And then, hopefully you also talk. To each other.
“This is us,” I have said. “This is our sex life, not anybody else’s; we get to make the rules.”
“Yep, this is us,” he says.
And then we hold each other.
SURROUNDED BY HELP
All of this means that we need to take care of our bodies. Most of us will need some outside help. It might be from our doctor, gynecologist, therapist, nutritionist, and maybe a massage therapist, coach, or personal trainer.
Our bodies are the vehicles that carry around our minds and our spirits. So as recovery progresses, we need to keep investing in learning about and caring for our physical well-being.
AN IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: KEGEL EXERCISES
This is information I wish I’d had years ago: Kegel exercises will make your sex life better, with or without a partner. When I learned about Kegels, I swore I’d spread the word to other women, so here goes: To have orgasms and better orgasms you have to have strong pelvic floor muscles. I’m not a doctor, so I won’t do an anatomy lesson here but you can look it up. You can Google “Kegel” or ask your doctor or a good friend or your sponsor.
Then do your Kegel exercises. You’ll be glad. I promise.
TWIGS FOR CHAPTER TWO:
Physical: Bring the Body
• What new thing are you doing for your healthy body? A new food? Exercise technique? What did you love as a kid—swimming, dancing, hiking, biking? Could you try that
