hiding their use, at least at first. The sooner parents identify and respond to a problem-in-the-making with them, the greater the possibility these young women will have a chance to regain healthy lives.
Checklist of Warning Signs of a Possible Substance Use Problem
An eighteen-year-old high school senior, who was taking a variety of painkillers—whatever she could get from friends who mostly cadged them from family medicine cabinets or bought illegally obtained painkillers—describes herself then: “I grew thin and listless, stopped showering, and began sleeping at all hours.” She adds that her parents didn’t suspect drug use until she ended up in the emergency room after an overdose.
The following checklist can help you decide if your daughter may be either at risk for addiction or already addicted. No one can predict which kids will go down the road of addiction. Early intervention saves lives. For young people whose brains are still developing in the teen years and until about the age of twenty-five, some of these warning signs may seem to be the “normal” moodiness of a young person navigating the rocky passage to adulthood. However, if you recognize more than a few of them in your daughter there is cause for concern.
Physical signs
• Smoking (Does this surprise you? It did me. But, research consistently links smoking to depression—and depressed young people are more likely to turn to alcohol or other drugs.)
• Red, watery eyes, heavy use of eye drops
• Shaking hands, feet, or head, lack of coordination, clumsiness, stumbling, lack of balance
• Puffy face
• Paleness
• Vomiting
• Nausea
• Hacking cough
• Runny nose (not from a cold or allergies)
• Frequent nosebleeds
• Dilated pupils
• Alcohol on the breath, smoke on the breath, bad breath
• Rapid heartbeat
• Sores that don’t heal
• Spots around the mouth
• Needle or track marks
• Excessive talking (motor mouth), hyperactivity, clenched teeth, slurred speech
• Marked increase or decrease in appetite, sudden loss or weight gain
• Burns or soot on fingers or lips
• Messy, careless appearance
• Avoidance of family dinners
• Sleep problems (too little or too much)
• Passing out, seizures
Behavioral signs
• Lower grades, skipping classes, lack of participation, loss of interest in extracurricular activities, hobbies, sports; complaints from teachers
• Many (or more) arguments with family or friends
• Emotional meltdowns: irrational and inexplicable mood swings—such as being friendly, then angry, sometimes violently so—ADHD, rebelliousness, inability to control impulses, paranoid thoughts, panic attacks
• Depression, anxiety, conduct disorders
• Stealing money; unexplained need for money; disappearance of valuables
• Lying, including asking others to cover for her
• Sudden use of air fresheners, incense
• Car accidents
• Marked withdrawal from family and friends
• Different friends—usually older; avoids introducing them to you
• Paraphernalia such as pipes, razor blades, vials, baggies, straws, rolling papers, rolled-up money, pill or alcohol bottles hidden in her room, purse, or car
• Overheard conversations that raise suspicions
• General lack of responsibility—failure to do schoolwork or chores, flimsy excuses for missed curfews or obligations
• Chronic defensiveness
• Trouble with the law for any reason
• Someone (siblings, neighbors, school officials) trying to tell you she is using drugs or drinking too much
• Thinking that drinking and/or using drugs isn’t that harmful
Effective Conversations with Your Daughter Early On
If nothing on this list resonates for you, you may still be concerned about preventing a problem before it starts. Or maybe you still have that lingering gut instinct that something is off. There may have been an “incident” or two that doesn’t sit right. Perhaps emotions have escalated between you and your daughter. No matter what the reason, parents can play a vital role in helping her make good decisions about using substances. Even if she’s not using now, you can’t assume
• she’s not interested in drinking or drugging—the majority of high school students will try something before they graduate, and binge drinking and drug taking is rife on college campuses;
• she’s already learned about it at school—with certain exceptions, schools aren’t effectively teaching about today’s reality;
• she won’t listen to you—parents are known to be the number one source kids turn to for important information.7
As a starting point, when and how you talk to your daughter can make a big difference. You’ll be more effective when you’re prepared and focused on avoiding a confrontation. Kids are much more approachable when they are not tired, such as at the end of a school day or after a sporting event. Choose a time when you both are more receptive. It may be going together somewhere in the car, at a coffee shop, or at home if that’s a comfortable place. Remember all kids are generally resistant to “the talk.” You need to be caring, respectful and, as my daughter’s kindergarten teacher used to say, “put on your listening ears.” How you talk to her can mean the difference between her shutting down or opening up. Showing concern and respect for her are bouquets.
Many experienced counselors suggest opening up the conversation by asking about other kids she knows. If you begin with general concern instead of zeroing in on her, it will probably be easier for her to open up, or at least not shut down, than if she feels she’s being scrutinized or judged. Is she worried about any of her friends? Ask her how so-and-so is doing. Let her know you understand some kids struggle with substance use, and that you are genuinely concerned for their welfare. If you do ask your daughter about her own use, you may not get a truthful answer, but you have set a tone and reminded her of your positive role. By doing so, you have opened up a new pathway that you can revisit.
