don’t permit flexible responses. Until the individual (or couple) can grasp how his or her relationship choices are shaped by childhood experience, he or she will remain stuck in a pattern that doesn’t support any possibility of trust or genuine love.
The Way Out
Most of us crave authentic, fulfilling relationships free of gratuitous tumult and pain. But to build these relationships requires more than desire; we need a map to help us understand the processes, experiences, and techniques that can free us from the way we’ve always done things and guide us toward recovery and transformative change. This book presents a clear and engaging examination, diagnosis, and prescription for recovery called the DREAM Sequence. Users of the DREAM Sequence become able to see that the problem is not so much choosing the wrong person over and over again but dancing the same dance over and over again with whomever is willing to be a partner. The DREAM Sequence helps us understand why we are invested in repeating the same routine and gives us techniques for learning how to make different choices.
The following questions address some of the basic concepts you’ll explore as you move through the book and represent an overview of the irrelationship-related issues tackled by the DREAM Sequence. These concepts are illustrated in depth with stories, techniques, and experiential processes to help you identify how you’re affected by irrelationship and build a solid foundation of awareness and knowledge for change and recovery.
• What does my song-and-dance routine look like and do for me?
• Am I the Performer or the Audience in my routine?
• Why did I originally create this song-and-dance routine, and what benefits did I get from it?
• How did my childhood song-and-dance routine set me up for unsatisfying adult relationships?
• What would be the risks and benefits of abandoning my song-and-dance routine?
The DREAM Sequence helps you grow beyond your contrived song-and-dance routine into free, loving relationships. You’ll uncover your irrelationship storyline and the role you play in your song-and-dance routine. This will help you understand:
• why being with you partner feels like a struggle;
• why you often feel as if you’re on the outside looking in; and
• why this seems to happen every time you get involved with someone.
Another discovery you’ll make is that irrelationship distances you not only from anxiety but also from all of your feelings, which makes you unable to enjoy most of the good things relationships have to offer. But the DREAM Sequence will show you that what you’ve always done doesn’t have to be the last word.
Using This Book Using This Book
As you may have already noticed, the words “Performer” and “Audience” have been capitalized throughout the text. This has been done purposely to maintain clarity in analyzing the irrelationship dynamic.
The book has five sections that build on one another, so they should be read in order to prevent confusion.
• Part One: Irrelationship on Stage—Your Song-and-Dance Routine introduces the basic anatomy of irrelationship and helps you build acceptance and patience with yourself as you explore the ways you undermine your chances at love and intimacy.
• Part Two: Getting to Know You—Spotlight on the Performer and the Audience profiles the key players of irrelationship. It explores how anxiety drives the players into their song-and-dance routine and reveals the isolation and frustration of trying to maintain safety inside a dysfunctional system.
• Part Three: Backstage—The Inner Workings of Irrelationship delves into the core reasons irrelationship developed in the first place and discusses familiar pitfalls that result from staying stuck in the irrelationship pattern for long periods.
• Part Four: Raising the Curtain on Recovery—From Irrelationship to Real Relationship introduces the DREAM Sequence of recovery, outlining the five-step process of recognizing and escaping irrelationship.
• Part Five: Encore—Cracked Open for Love offers guidance and support for staying on track in recovery.
Each chapter is followed by a series of exercises called Toward Positive Change. These exercises include reflection on your own experience and questions designed to help you apply the ideas in the chapter.
Use a blank journal for writing your reflections and answering the questions. Taking quiet, unhurried time for the work is vital for using the material effectively. Your written answers and reflections are useful for tracking changes in your thinking and behavior.
Create a list of the parts of the book, citing the page number, that resonate with your experience and irrelationship storyline. You’ll find validation, relief, and even laughter as you identify with the people and stories presented. Identification of this type is a powerful mechanism for healing, so savor and reflect on it. Whenever you have doubts about the value and direction of your work, revisit earlier parts of your journal to reorient yourself about where you’ve been and where you’re going.
Welcome to recovery! Get ready for a leap into a process of learning how to live a life of fulfillment and true connection with others.
Irrelationship on Stage Irrelationship on Stage
Your Song-and-Dance Routine Your Song-and-Dance Routine
Anatomy of Irrelationship Anatomy of Irrelationship
Consider the following relationship descriptors. Do any of them resonate with you?
• Do you think you can save, fix, or rescue the person you are drawn to?
• Do you hope that person can fix, save, or rescue you?
• Is your idea of love mostly about taking care of your partner?
• Is your idea of love mostly about your partner taking care of you?
